Willow misheard. Ash and Cameron were talking about his ex-girlfriend. Not the person he fancied.
If you have no idea what I’m talking about, read this post or you’ll be REALLY confused.
They had sociology second thing. All through first lesson, I was a nervous wreck; my friend sat in between Cedar and I so luckily I didn’t have THAT to contend with.
I met one of my friends outside the building, and walked to the playground with them, simaltaneously panicking and trying not to think about it. I had to wait about 10 minutes before Willow showed up.
I could tell something was wrong the minute she spoke to me. She pulled me aside and said, “I misunderstood the whole thing. They were talking about his ex, not who he liked.”
I honest to god felt something break. I stood there, feeling numb and then so sick I could barely think. “Get me out of here,” I remember choking. “Just get me the fuck out of here now.”
We went behind one of the buildings. And I cried, as per usual; my eyes felt heavy afterwards and I remember mumbling “Why why the fuck WHY I should have expected this!” and “All I asked for was ONE thing to work oh god, what the hell am I supposed to do now?”
I felt selfish. I FEEL selfish. But honestly?
For a year, I’ve spent so much of my time trying to figure out my feelings. I’ve spent so much time attempting to reconcile with myself that YES, I am in love with Ash.
To have some kind of hope felt amazing. I tried to think, “Is there a chance?” It scared me that yes, there was.
It hurts. It hurts so much that I haven’t felt it properly yet. That’s bad. That’s worse.
Is there something fucked up with me that makes me screw everything up, all the time?
If I had the choice, I would have got over him by now. I think. By ALL logic, I SHOULD be over him by now; I should have moved on.
Well, too bad I fucking can’t. I have too many memories with him, past and present and hopefully future (if he talks to me again) and he knows so, so much about me. We’re going to stay friends -how could we not? I just wish, for once, there could be someting more – that’s so fucking selfish, Elm, what the hell?
I know he knows. That’s out of the question. Thus, I’m royally fucked. But I’ve gone in too far now to simply pass it off as something I can get over in a month.
What am I supposed to do?