HA! Cursed with the curse of the Cedar – damnit!
I can’t explain the situation with Ash at all. I’m sorry. Seriously, I am. I’m breaking about 20 promises if I do. If I’m close to you, I may tell you, but… I don’t know. I’m sorry.
I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do.
I tried to ignore Ash in French – I felt so furious that I couldn’t even think. It scared me. And so, the ‘Let’s talk to him to sort this out!’ thought went right out the window. Like I said to my friend Red, I could NEVER speak to him unless I calmed completely down.
This isn’t about Ash, though. Not primarily.
It’s about Cedar – remember him? ARGH!
We were doing revision today, in one of the computer rooms. The seating order went: Odd, me, some random person (no idea who), Red, Cedar’s friend Rowan (tree name because he’s somewhat important) and Cedar himself.
Fuck’s sake. I couldn’t concentrate. It was bullshit. I kept hearing his voice and silently freaking out with a mix of confusion, anger and… Fear? Nah, that’s not right – not fear, just slight alarm I suppose.
At the end of EVERY science lesson – well, nearly every one – we all have a sort of… Routine. I stand up. Odd takes my cane. Cedar comes up, with Rowan and Red (usually). Laughing, I usually find myself next to him, or very near him. Sometimes he ends up taking my cane – it’s not malicious, don’t worry. It’s hilarious. And sometimes we have a tug of war, or I try to get his hands off the damn thing. By grabbing his hands. That seems to happen a hell of a lot, but that’s just my pathetic way of trying to touch him.
Today, we were talking, I don’t remember what about. He was jokingly waving his hand in front of my eyes because I mentioned I had a blind spot (my right eye just for reference). I don’t get offended – god no! Don’t give a shit, to be honest.
All I remember was somebody – Red, perhaps? – insulting Cedar. And I defended him.
And then Rowan, bless his thrice-damned soul, turned to me. “Well done, Elm, defending your lover!”
I shrieked. Apparently it’s an ongoing joke that Cedar has relationships with everyone. There was this one time he pretended to have a relationship with me, then dumped me (jokingly) and Rowan was our relationship “councellor”. That was… Funny, and it was also before I “fancied” him.
It hurt like the damn hells. Literally I felt sick. I laughed it off, though. I always do.
At lunch, I talked to Red. I often do, now – not sure why. He knows everything, and I mean everything. Cedar came up to us at one point. Nearly pissed myself I was so scared. Then, my “friend” Holly joined us.
Holly’s, er, loud. And she makes me act irrationally and like a moron.
“I’m gonna go,” said Cedar a few minutes later. We hadn’t talked much. I wondered why the fuck he came over to us.
“Red, see what I mean?” I muttered. He did, of course.
It makes me upset. Cedar and I barely have anything in common but it’s easy with him. I’m trying to get over Ash, I suppose, but rebounding onto someone else isn’t the answer. It ALWAYS happens, though.
Damn it, Cedar! He drives me round the bloody bend. It’s like mixed signals, but he’s not even giving me that.
I am so immature.