I’m so viciously angry and upset right now that it’s terrifying me.
Well, I’m scared for three reasons:
1. I just finished my piano lesson. I hate piano so, so much – the learning of it, I mean. My teacher doesn’t know how to handle me at all and I always feel disgusting and like a failure and then I rip at my hands where she can’t see and I’m fucking fucking stupid. I hate it, but I have to finish my grade 3 before I quit even if right now I literally want to punch myself because I hate it so much. I’m not exaggerating – it’s not like I think “UGH piano”, I think “no no god no fuck it fucking disgusting stupid retard”. I NEVER call myself a retard. Ever. It’s awful.
2. I’ve lost Ash as a friend and it’s only just sunk in and I feel sick to my core. I need him back because he helps me and God, I’m so pathetic.
3. I think I’m losing one of my best friends. We never talk and my friend Wren talked to me about it today and said ‘maybe you two are just drifting apart’ and I WANTED to react violently because no, no god no. It’s a part of life but I’ve lost 3 of my really good friends in a year and a half and it hurts so much that I can’t think. I don’t want to lose her and I DON’T CARE if people say it’s a natural part of life. I PHYSICALLY CAN’T bear to lose her. Pathetic, huh? Yeah, thought so.
I won’t do anything to hurt myself. I can’t because people will see because I can’t hide it. So I’m just going to keep it all inside apart from talking about it on this because really nobody gives a shit because they don’t understand me.
“But for every friend you’ve lost, you gained one! When Ash went, you found a friend in Red!” Oh my God what the fuck NO! NO! LITERALLY NO!
Dear god I don’t know what I’m doing.
I’ve turned into a horrible person and I hate it! This is a complete mess of a post but I’m too stupid to delete it.
Sorry. Oh god sorry. And I was so happy, yesterday. I’m sorry.