(This is a long as arse post; I’m sorry).
Before I jump into this “EYYY I need your advice again HELP me because I am a puny mortal!” I just need to say this.
Guys guys guys! Thank you for all those awards! Unfortunately I won’t be able to post many of them until… A long time. But thank you SO MUCH! I apreciate it a lot. I have the Freestyle Writing Challenge, Creative Blogger Award and Blog Tour to do. I’m just a little out of sorts today.
Ha. I’m trying not to laugh.
I sit next to him in History – OI! Stop laughing at these cliches! I KNOW, I KNOW!
I can’t quite describe how I feel about him. He makes me laugh so much. We talk, usually in lessons but we can talk over the internet, too. There’s a balance. It’s not like Ash – I’m not close with Birch. But it’s not like Cedar – I don’t have to watch myself around him.
I realised when we had a conversation, over the fucking internet, a few days ago. I just need to say this – I help Birch with his homework. A lot. Whenever I get a message from him, I just know it’s “Can you help me?” And that makes me upset sometimes, because I get the impression I’m being used. It’s fucked up – remind me why I “fancy” him again? HAH!
But I wasn’t being used this time. This time we had a proper conversation. Of course we’d had proper conversations before – I gave him girlfriend advice once (they’re not going out though and I don’t know what’s going on with that). And I told him some of the things about Ash, and in return he told me about his previous almost-girlfriend who’s a right bitch.
But that day, we just had a conversation. It made me think – “If he were using me, then why did he contact me just to say hi?” He’s away for a few lessons of History (it’s the only time I can see him because I have no other classes with him) – he’s got exams.
I was scared, any second, he was going to ask about homework. But he didn’t.
I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I think this has been building up for a while, honestly. The boy who sits next to us accuses us of flirting all the time. I DON’T FLIRT! It’s not me, at all. I just laugh a lot because he’s funny and for FUCK’s SAKE!!!! (Calm, Elm, calm)
I’m just so confused. I don’t want to fancy him because he’s a… Very typical teenaged boy. He’s a moron – I KNOW that. I’m sort of scared of… What he’s done? Nah, that’s not right – I DON’T KNOW! He goes to parties and all that – and if you know me, then you know I never go to parties because I’m too scared and just… He isn’t serious, either. I want serious, sometimes.
He’s back in history on the 16th. I’m scared of how I’ll react, now I’ve realised how I could possibly feel about him. He said it was going to be a right laugh and that I should mark the day down on my calendar.
Oh god. What am I even doing?!
He can’t replace Ash. Nobody can. Ash will always be a part of me. But…
AHA! AHAHAHAHA, HAHA, HA! Sorry… Couldn’t resist that. Just read over that last paragraph – READ IT! It’s so cliche oh god what is this
Dear god! I’m so hung up over some conversation that meant NOTHING! We haven’t talked much since and I’m scared he just thinks I’m weird. I’ve just been thinking… And thinking… It’s not like Ash where I understand him. I don’t understand Birch.
(Sneer. Birch is such a stupid name. I’m such a stereotype I can’t even. I mean honestly reading over this shitty post is actually making me cringe)
What should I do?
I haven’t explained this fully, but I don’t know how.