(Horrible painful post coming up. You’ve been warned)
Look. I know that people are going to try and tell me I’m not all the things I’m about to say I am. I know but it’s got to the point now where I don’t even care about myself.
I don’t know where this has stemmed from, but… Here we go.
It’s hilarious how I fail at everything.
I fail at being a nice person. I fail at helping people. I fail at accepting when people leave me. I fail at reining in my personality and I fail at preventing myself from looking for attention.
Birch is using me for homework. He doesn’t care about me. And I can’t believe I thought anything would work out because I’m too different and too serious and too just too ANYTHING. Mixed signals make me feel sick.
Cedar is a bastard and he doesn’t understand me; it’s nice to get caught up in the moment but REALLY! Grow the fuck up
And Ash. Ash hurts like the fucking hells. Whatever.
I should hate him. I shouldn’t care. He’s done nothing but ignore me for ages and I CAN’T forgive him for that, but I’m scared I’m missing something. There is something wrong with my reaction to all this.
I need somebody I need SOMEONE. I don’t know! I hate this all sometimes, I’m an overdramatic mood-switching attention-whore grudge-holding bitch.
I have no energy left.
My friendship group has shifted so drastically and I can’t deal with it. I get flashbacks of how things used to be sometimes and it hurts. I never, ever make an effort to make new friends or get to know anyone and I’m so judgemental and this shouldn’t bother me but why does it bother me? I’ve turned into a superficial idiot.
I remember conversations I had with Ash and it hurts worse and I can’t talk to anyone about it because I’ve said it all before and there’s no point. I don’t even know what I’m saying any more. It’s so numb and I don’t know what to do.
I don’t want to say, “Why does this always happen?” because that’s not fair, and it’s not true. It doesn’t. I don’t want to be selfish, anyway.
IS it selfish to want someone? What am I even saying!
That was awful I’m so sorry I fuck up everyone’s day because I’m a moody twat. I just need to be cheerful, hey maybe that’s why no one I EVER fancy would like me back, because I’m too serious
I’m going to go and read blogs. I’m an idiot; this is the worst post I have ever written. I’m sorry.