The beginning of today was god-awful. The end was AMAZING.
Right now, I’m going to talk about the beginning. Briefly. In my next post, I’m going to talk about the end, which will make me MUCH happier. But I need to get these words down.
Today, I was lonely.
I don’t think that QUITE described it. I think I was scared?
I realised I NEVER make an effort to get to know people. I never get involved with social things. But I’m not talking about that because I’m just not. Ask me privately if you want, but I just can’t put it here.
Can I please just say, to any IRL people reading this, none of this was your fault. I didn’t make an effort to talk to anyone much so just don’t feel guilty or anything. I literally can’t deal with it because it wasn’t your fault.
It was at lunch. Willow had gone somewhere with an old friend of mine and I’ll get onto that some other time because just no I can’t. Not her fault at all no seriously. Odd was… Nearby, but I’ll get to that in a minute. Red was on prefecting duty.
It’s not like I didn’t have anyone. I spoke to my friend Fern a LOT, laughed so hard when people started trying to wax each other (they were going to do that for charity week but it got canceled I think). It was reasonably fun, though Cedar got REALLY angry because some twat put a strip on his arm and he had to rip it off. Although right now I’m supposed to be slightly irritated with him so…
But anyway. Onto the crap.
I was just scared. I have this acute fear of being abandoned – of being lonely, I think it is, and it stems back to primary school, then being dumped by my last boyfriend who then left the group completely, and the recent things that have happened with Ash. It got to the point where I felt myself shutting down and I had to curl up for a while and breathe. It wasn’t ALL bad, don’t get me wrong – I just felt weird and angry and terrified for NO reason whatsoever!
Sorry. I guess I’m just trying to reason with myself. I remember some of the good points about that lunch but I remember the violent feeling I got when I looked out in front of me and NOTHING was there. Just an empty expanse.
Then again, I didn’t even make an effort to socialise. I never do and it’s bothering me.
I’m not used to feeling like this. The last time I remember feeling this lonely for a LONG period of time – months I mean – was in primary school. It wasn’t like that now but it brings me back.
I just KNOW that I’m going to regret posting this. Red keeps up with my blog, which surprises me – if you’re reading this, hia! But yeah, I don’t mind him reading this. Or Odd. Or whatever.
Look out for the happy post. 🙂