I’m REALLY pissed off with myself at the moment.
Because I feel like shite. AGAIN. And WOW, I was trying to hold onto that happy feeling. Sigh. I’m a mess.
Have a listen to this song. It describes my feelings quite well – the first verse and chorus, really.
It’s stupid, why I’m sad. It’s because – well, remember that History trip to Ypres I talked about a lot?
It might be cancelled. Because of the strikes in the eurotunnel, and the heat, and…
And I can’t deal with it.
It’s the one thing I’ve been looking forward to all year. It’s the one chance I had to actually have something with me and Birch.
I never had a chance anyway. I never do, and I… I need to face that.
I don’t know why this is upsetting me so much. But as the song says: “I’ve been denying this feeling of hopelessness in me.”
And it’s true.
Ash memories are coming back. Good ones – happy ones – and sad ones. Funny ones and angry ones. It SHOULDN’T. I’m trying to forget about him.
But Birch would never like me. I’m unlikeable, like that. I just am. And plus I’m not like other girls like I’m not as pretty as them and shit, and THAT SHOULDN’T EVEN BOTHER ME! I’m being so superficial. It’s horrible.
And the summer’s coming, and people’s feelings fade over the summer, it’s happened before and I don’t Want it to, I CAN’T have that, I CAN’T! I want something to go right, I am getting worked up, I can’t do this what the hell I’m blowing things out of proportion
Fucking hell, Elm, breathe.
I just feel small and shit and angry and sad and upset and confused and panicked. And I HATE these memories, and I hate the fact that I’m miserable at the history trip being canceled, and the fact that Birch would never like me, and the fact that I’m superficial, and the fact that I feel like I need someone.
I give the fuck up. I’ll probably be happy tomorrow but I feel so, so awful, and I don’t want it to be canceled because when we go to Belgium I’ll be free and I can act myself and I won’t be tied down by everything and I would be happy. I want that. I just literally feel like crying because it’s all got too much and I want happy memories so badly, I NEED them.
I don’t have words for this.
I’m sorry. I hate making people read this.
It’s weird because I hate writing this, too. I’ve got into the mentality AGAIN that no one cares and every single person is sick of reading this, and I don’t blame you.
I’m done with posting this. I’m done with myself. I’m done with my stupid mind and EVERYTHING.
I’m not going to do anything. Too scared. People notice and that’s what stops me.
One more thing. If ONE more thing goes wrong, I swear to god I will snap.