You Don’t Even Care, You Never Have, EVER EVER EVER

Ash.

Ash.

Ash.

Ash.

23 June. 15 days. That’s the longest I’ve done, I think, since this whole thing started. Can you get withdrawal symptoms from a person? Probably.

How long ago was it – 1 hour? An hour. No. HALF an hour. I don’t know. I don’t CARE.

He didn’t reply anyway, which is expected now, but still.

I don’t even want to remember what I wrote. Just asking if we were friends and how he was doing. Pathetic, for me; usually, I write more fluently. I guess I’ve just slipped out of habit because it’s been so “long”.

I’m not doing well. When I sent that message, I literally felt something twinge. It’s like when the walls close in on you, or they FEEL like they’re getting smaller. My wrists feel weak, and I had pain in my chest and a freezing feeling ALL OVER.

I’m getting flashbacks. Memories. Really awful ones. Awful, because they’re nice. Nice conversations. His voice. Standing in front of him. I only had that memory two times, and I remember them so clearly and I NEED to hold onto that. Laughing, smiling, getting the solid feeling in my chest that felt like butterflies, which was reassurance. Every time I got knocked down, he helped me. Every time he needed advice, I gave it, because I knew he’d always do the same for me. Every time we talked, I knew I loved him; every time we shared another part of our lives, we helped each other. Until we didn’t.

It’s like a fairy tale, but with no happy ending. There isn’t even a rebound to turn to because I might have talked to Birch once about this, but would he listen now?

I feel sick. I feel SO sick. I’ve moved on, I think, but I feel miserable and voletile, and I NEED someone. I love Ash. I think I will for a very long time, because I know too much about him to NOT understand him (I don’t understand him NOW, but I did). The only way I can get rid of that is to smash that emotion onto someone else and I CAN’T do that, because that’s unfair.

I’m more coherent than usual. I don’t feel like destroying everything. Right now, it’s not THAT kind of pain or sadness. I can usually tell.

Not that he cares, but I’d like him to. Not that he’s spoken to me properly in a long time, but I’d like him to. I just want to talk to him, you know? Find out if he’s okay. And that is the most clichΓ© phrase I’ve ever heard, but who cares? I honestly don’t really mind about myself, but him? He’s one of the most loyal friends, when he IS your friend. He’s caring, when he’s your friend.

Whoops, looks like he’s not my friend. News fucking flash.

His name keeps on creeping up. His personality. Him. Phrases he said. That solid feeling of reassurance he let me feel.

I just miss him, I suppose. I’m not meaning to be depressive, but I can’t help it.

I think I need help. Proper help. I can’t tell my parents because they know nothing of what’s going on. I don’t want them to worry. I don’t want my other friends to worry.

I just feel really hollow, I suppose. It’s like the feeling where you HOPE for something but no matter what, it never comes. You get the leaping fear in your chest but you’re too scared, and you phrased it wrong.

I’m sorry. I need to be happier. Perhaps I should message or talk to Birch, but he’d never reply anyway. I don’t really see the point, to be honest.

I’m not VERY miserable. Just resigned. It’s not fair of me to say that, though. I SHOULDN’T be resigned. This isn’t a big deal, is it? It SHOULDN’T be.

Friends come, and friends go, and friends change, and PEOPLE change and I should just get over it. I tell myself that, but it hurts so much. He was only my friend for a year, but in that year we learned so much and grew so much and I loved so deeply and now it HURTS.

I can’t hate him. I can’t think of him as some bastard who broke my heart. He IS, but that’s not the point. I just CAN’T hate him.

I’m sorry. I wish I didn’t have to write this, but I need to remind myself of how I feel.

I need to do more to help you guys. Read more, comment more, give advice more, do ANYTHING but this. Anything but beating myself up. No matter what, though, I always think it’s my fault. If I’d been different, he would have trusted me NOW. We wouldn’t have suddenly just stopped talking.

Did the friendship mean something to him? Did those late night messages impact him, in any way? Did he ever feel like I did, staying up and reading them and just breathing, breathing, or was he talking to other people besides me and I didn’t matter? I HAVE to had mattered. That’s the one thing I ask.

I want my best friend back.

31 thoughts on “You Don’t Even Care, You Never Have, EVER EVER EVER

  1. Elm, I LOVE reading your blog. I mean it. I was looking for a personal blog where someone is honest about their feelings and thoughts and are not too scared to not share something like this. I feel like I know what to say, but then I don`t. I want to tell you I`ve been in the same situation, but that won`t help you much, will it? I know it hurts like hell and you desperately wish things were way better and you want things to be like they used to be. I don`t know if Ash has any feelings for you or not, or why he`s treating you this way, but I DO KNOW this is no way to treat a best friend. You should seriously just tell you how you feel. It`s about time you did. I know you fear rejection, but hey, look at your pain. You have no idea what`s up, you don`t know what he thinks of you of feels for you, so isn`t it better to know than to ache like this? You`re spinning like a tornado, going here and there and back again. I won`t tell you whether Ash deserves you or not. I just want the best for you. Haha, I feel like I`m so confusing, but I hope you got the point. πŸ™‚

  2. I know I don’t know you/you are wondering who the heck I am but I have been reading yoyr blog for a while and hope everything works out for you soon! Just remember that eventually – even if it feels like a long way away – everything will sort its self out and you will look back on this moment of your life and wish you had known about the AMAZING people you will meet and adventures you will have in the future! There will always be times where you wonder if you had done things differently, would the outcome be different but you have to trust in the choices you make and BELIEVE in yourself! πŸ™‚

      • I feel like I need to give you an advice, and that`s to always keep in mind that he could be lying. If he tells you he doesn`t love you, it might not be true. I know that`s some complicated shit, but sadly, that`s the truth. . I guess you just have to wait and see, Elm. πŸ™‚ If he cares, he`ll let you know one day. And if he doesn`t. Well, then he just doesn`t. I understand how you feel so damn well, but at the same time you can`t force someone to care about you. That`s sadly not how it works, honey. But no matter what happens, we`re all here for you. πŸ™‚

  3. Friends come and friends go and they all leave their footprints along the way. You will get over Ash. It’ll take time and it’ll hurt very much. You might even die a bit inside but then the feeling is gone. He’ll always be special to (probably) but you will be able to control the memories. I’ve been through this at least twice.
    If you’ve done everything you could then there is nothing more you can do. It’s his turn now and if he doesn’t do anything, well…it’s his decision. Don’t make it your fault because it is not. He’s stupid to let someone like you go. On the other hand, maybe he never deserved your friendship (I’m not judging him, just thinking). Don’t think it never meant anything to him. Don’t think you never meant anything to him. You and your friendship did mean something to him. Otherwise he wouldn’t have been your friend. But as you say, people change and we have to accept that even if it hurts. But there are a lot of memories you’ll one day be able to hold on to and look back on. Still, the hardest part of holding on is letting it go. It’s a line by P.O.D. and it’s very true.
    Try to respect the changes and you’ll learn to slowly accept it. It’s a tough process. Actually, it’s the process where a part of you may die. But you’ll feel better and parts can be exchanged. We don’t forget them, just store them somewhere else. Hope that makes sense.
    Anyway, if you ever need someone to talk to, you know where to find me.
    Cheer up!

    • Thank you very much. I wish I could formulate a response to that amazing and beautiful comment, but my brain is too scrambled for me to even do that. I’m sorry. But I need to thank you for understanding, and caring, and being here, and offering me advice because you know what it’s like. Thank you.

  4. You can’t make people like or love you. 😦 It could all be a misunderstanding or it could be he’s confused with/by his own feelings. I would just leave him alone now, you asked how he was and he didn’t reply, don’t keep after him. It will work out if he’s meant to be in your life. That seems so lame I know. Sorry you are having a hugely crappy life right now. It won’t always be like this. And maybe you should tell your parents… They worry about you whether you talk to them or not, and will love you anyway. We just want our children to be happy, healthy and safe dear Elm.

    • You are really great πŸ™‚ I think I may tell my dad. I’m just quite worried about myself right now. I’ve decided to leave him alone for now, like you said. Thank you so much for everything, and all your advice; it means the world πŸ™‚

  5. I think that the fact that you can sit down and honestly write about this shows that you are healing. You don’t need to worry about us, the reading and commenting, we understand. Those of us who actually read your blog fully understand that you are having a hard time.
    But like you said people come and go, people change. Sadly it’s a big part of life. Just remember you always have the rest of us to lean on.
    It’s inspiring that you can write to personally.

  6. Oh Elm. Do you want me to punch him? I’m joking of course but I just wish he would talk to you about everything, if you two were so close then surely he should want to fix it the same way that you do. Good luck Elm πŸ™‚

  7. Hi Elm!
    You and I are in a similar situation from what I have read… And I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. We all know you are struggling, and we are all reading your blog because we CARE. You have the support of all of us.

  8. I get what you mean with all the drama… Just that moment when the one person you want to talk to about something, can’t. It’s a horrible feeling I’ve felt all too often… Sorry… I hope he realizes what a mistake he’s made by turning from such an amazing person… πŸ™‚ May the force be with you.

What did you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s