I told him.
Yes. I told Birch I had feelings for him. After my last post, I decided that I had enough.
So I told him. I messaged him, saying, “Can I tell you something?” Took me a lot of convincing to let myself send that message. And then, once he’d said yes, I told him.
In summary, he said that it wasn’t awkward and that it was completely fine. Then he said that he wasn’t into getting into a relationship with anyone for that matter.
He never outright said he DIDN’T like me like that, but I’m going with the assumption that he meant it in that way. It’s safer, and I can’t get my hopes up any more. I feel a LITTLE crushed, but to be honest, the fact that he TOLD me is a step up from what happened last time. I have to commend him for that.
Yeah. It’s only just hit me what I’ve done and now I feel a bit sick. It’s a VERY long time since I’ve been brave enough to admit how I felt about someone to them – in fact, I’ve NEVER said it outright to anyone before.
I gave myself a speech before pressing that ‘send’ button. In the middle of it, I pressed it to shut myself up, then freaked. I could feel my heart thumping and straight after I Skyped Red and just had a ‘What DID I JUST DO I CAN’T SPEAK’ moment.
I was terrified, but I’m glad I did it. I’ve never felt so sick and scared in my life, besides when telling Ash certain things about myself, but this time it was different. There wasn’t PAIN when Birch said no. Not much, anyway, but it was just a resigned sort of feeling.
Yes, I’m upset. Yes, I just want something to go right. But at the same time, I’m so glad I told him.
In other news, I just had the longest and most distressing conversation with my father I’ve had in a very long time. It involved me bawling my eyes out over the fact that my mother always makes me feel shit about myself. I think he must have been worried, because I rarely ever show that side of myself to him. About my mother – long story – I’ll explain, some other time.
I’m drained. My eyes feel heavy and I feel somewhat miserable. I got back from the concert and, after my mother left to go back there, I flipped out completely. Like I never have before. It was fucking terrifying. I’m SO glad I cried, though, because it was an outlet of emotion from the Birch thing, and from the concert thing, and I needed it.
I think I need sleep. This is just an update post, really; I’m not TOO sad. I just needed the closure.
Thanks so much for reading, and thank you also to every single one of you who supported me and commented on my last post. You are all fantastic.
From Elm 🙂