Well. That’s very Disappointing

The one thing I didn’t even CONSIDER going wrong, did go wrong.

Before you read this post, read my previous one, because I honestly can’t explain the situation again.

Let’s recount EXACTLY what happened.

History is the second lesson – we had an assembly first thing. So I’m walking up the stairs, thinking: “Please don’t let something go wrong, please please PLEASE!”

I hear his voice coming from the classroom, and start to hope. “Okay,” I think. “This will be good.”

I walk to my chair, and am about to sit down.

When I realise: somebody is in my chair. I sit in the one next to it.

Yes. Of course Birch didn’t want to sit next to me. I thought that we would, but NO! He wants to sit next to Tom, a boy I didn’t KNOW he was friends with, and completely blank me throughout the lesson.

We were doing a quiz, and the quiz ITSELF was fun. But all through the lesson, I was listening to him talking to Tom and feeling ill and angry and jealous – not because he might “like” Tom because he’s not into boys, but because I wanted to be the one sitting next to him.

I’ve more or less given up. He gave me one-word responses on Facebook yesterday, so I’ve obviously done something. I just don’t see the point any more.

Maybe something will happen next year. Maybe I’ll tell him now to get it out of the way with. That’s probably what I’ll do, because I’m SICK of feeling like shit all the time and of everything not going to plan.

I WANTED today to be filled with happiness for me, because it’s the last day before the summer holidays start.

I also sit next to my friend Oak in History. He got it. I kept on having that pressure behind your eyes where you NEARLY start crying. Luckily, I didn’t, but I just felt so so angry and kept on muttering “fuck this!”

I waited for my friend Willow outside her sociology class, and basically had a breakdown minus the crying. I faced the wall and talked to Oak but I could barely speak and I could hear Birch’s voice down the corridor. I’m almost positive Ash saw me as he walked out of the classroom, because WHO wouldn’t see me? I was quite obvious.

I just feel rather hollow and disappointed. It doesn’t help that later, I have to go to a concert which I have no interest in, and which I KNOW will be terrible. This is NOT how I wanted to end my week. Or my year.

I’m so done. In the playground, Wren knew something was wrong and she hugged me and I clung on for dear life, because I was shaking.

And, well. Don’t read this next bit if you’re affected by mentions of self-harm.

I scratched my arms a little in history and then at break because I thought it was my fault. I just had enough.

Okay, sorry for mentioning that. I now feel guilty and awful for doing that.

To be honest, I just want to have a massive cry. I don’t know.

It’s not like when the Ypres trip was cancelled. I don’t want to utterly destroy myself.

But in a way, it’s similar. I HOPED, and I hoped so much that I fell further. I blame myself for that, really, because I should KNOW by now.

To you, this may all seem so whiny. “Why’s she so upset about this? It’s only a little thing!” Perhaps you’re right. To me, it’s a big thing inside my mind.

Yes, I might be misreading this, but I’m just so disappointed in myself and everything.

Sorry. It’s not anger I feel now; I’m just VERY upset. My English lesson was wonderful, and has helped a little, but I still feel utterly awful because…

Please tell me the truth – is the selfish to want someone? I’m getting desperate and that is NOT good. I can’t rebound; I won’t let myself because that hurts so, so much.

After History, I said to Oak: “Oh fuck it. I’ll just move on again.” It’s true. It’s all I do, you know? Rebound rebound rebound. He said I shouldn’t TOTALLY give up. I don’t know.

Is it selfish to want something to go right? I ALWAYS think it is.

Thank you so much for reading that.

From Elm πŸ™‚

38 thoughts on “Well. That’s very Disappointing

  1. Hey, I’m really sorry to hear that you had such a rubbish last day at school/college!
    Boys are so annoying like that, one minute talking to you all the time then the next, one word answers and you’re lucky to get one conversation out of them?!
    I know exactly how you feel and it’s so frustrating. Please don’t blame yourself though, it’s not your fault! Boys are weird like that sometimes.
    P.S it’s never selfish to want someone:)

    From someone who knows exactly how you feel x

    • Thank you so so much. This comment means the world – I honestly think you’re right. It’s difficult to gauge WHEN people will talk to you, when they won’t. I’ve started to accept that it might not be my fault, but I like to blame myself for everything 😦 It’s really great to know that you know how I feel, because I can tell you understand this.

      • You’re so welcome:)
        We always try and blame someone for things happening like that, so blaming yourself is completely normal- I always do it too! But honestly it’s not your fault, it could be absolutely anything that’s on his mind that’s making him not want to talk, so don’t worry too much. Give it time and you never know what might happen:) x

  2. Oh my gosh, Elm…..I am SO sorry. *sends big hug* I am just now realizing how annoying and inconsistent boys can be. But I understand that this is probably just the icing on the cake for you, right? Ugh it’s just so unfair :/. I hate to say don’t self-harm, because I’ve never been in your shoes and I’m sure it’s hard to stop. But it makes me sad, and I hope so much for you that it gets better ❀
    And Elm–I will ALWAYS want someone. I wonder the same thing as you, so I can't give you an answer. Just know we're in this together πŸ™‚

    • You are so, so great and amazing πŸ™‚ You’re right. They are just so… Temperamental. But seriously, you’ve always been there for me so thank you immensely. And yes – We ARE in this together! πŸ™‚

  3. Ugh, I’m so sorry, this is horrible. I can’t really make you feel better because I’m so far away, but I send lots of hugs. Boys…I can’t figure them out for my life, and to quote Pat Benatar they’re, ‘heartbreaker, dream makers, love takers.’
    And it’s definitely not your fault. Because you’re amazing. πŸ™‚ ❀

    • And so are you. The fact that you’ve offered me SO much support, when we’ve only just found each other’s blogs, is just wonderful. Thank you. πŸ™‚

  4. I’m sorry to hear this Elm, but I hope you’re feeling better now! I wish I could give you a hug, but thankfully you have good friends to do that! And it’s not selfish to want someone, not at all! I really hope you’re feeling better, even if it’s just a little ❀

  5. Aw, man. I just read your two recent posts and I got SO happy for you, but then so disappointed. I wish you had bothered telling him, though, but what`s done, is done. Remember loving someone and wanting someone is just a part of our nature. You can`t do anything about your feelings, Elm. It`s done the wrong way if you for example keep clinging onto someone who`s already in a relationship, but you`re no way like that! Anyways, I just want you to know that just because it didn`t work out well today, doesn`t mean it`ll never work out. πŸ™‚ Give it time, give it some courage and TRY again. All the best! πŸ™‚

    • Thank you! πŸ™‚ Also… That “not telling him” bit? Ah… See my next (unwritten as of yet) post for more info on that.

  6. I’ve never been in this kind of situation before–liking someone a lot and then get disappointed–but I think more or less I understand how you feel. I like to build up my anticipation and imagining the wonderful outcome, but sometimes the higher my anticipation was the harder I fell (is that how you feel? If not just skip this paragraph, because this is just me being judgy and bossy : P) I’m not saying you shouldn’t want it to go right, it’s nature to feel this way and we all do. I mean perhaps, next time, prepare yourself for the blow beforehand, and think how you would react to not feel too upset. This sounds really pessimistic..but what I mean is, you want it to happen–a fact; it might not happen–a fact; try to stay neutral and be prepared, and maybe it won’t feel so bad if it doesn’t turn out well.

    BUT it’s not your fault, Elm. It’s not your fault that Birch gave you one word replies and didn’t sit with you. You don’t have to blame yourself for that. It’s never selfish to want it to go right, or want someone. That’s what humans do.
    Hope you feel better. *sends hugs*

    • I think your way of looking at thbles is actually the BETTER way, despite the fact that it’s MORE pesimistic. I just hoped, I suppose. I’m really glad you think it’s not selfish – that’s the thing that’s been bothering me so much for the past day. Thank you for all your amazing advice; it means so much to me that you take the time to help me. πŸ™‚

  7. I feel obliged to comment, obliged to help in some way (even if my efforts are futile), but I just don’t know how. Empathy is stronger, wiser, kinder than sympathy. I’ve never been through this kind of thing. I’ve never wanted someone so badly. But I always blame myself for everything, so I can at least relate on one basis. But in this scenario, through your anecdote, I could tell it wasn’t completely your fault. Sometimes, your emotions just rip you apart until you can’t tell left from right. But don’t literally rip yourself apart just because your emotions command you to. It’s not your fault Elm. Life happens. Shit happens. It always will. But it won’t always be your fault. Sometimes you’ve done everything you can, most probably with a few mistakes along the way, and once you’ve reached that point, you just have to raise your hands in surrender and wait for life to do its thing. This lack of control has borderline driven me insane, but we all have to live with it. I’m nowhere near accepting this fact, but I know it’s true.

    • Crapping hell, thank you so much πŸ™‚ You know, for all your “I’ve never been through this” talk, you give WONDERFUL advice. I guess it’s just difficult reconcile with everything after everything today. But thank you. I wish I could respond to this comment with a better… Comment, but my mind is pretty scrambled right now.

  8. Oh no, that’s horrible. Can I send you a big, warm, comfy hug to make your day better? There, hope that helped. A tiny bit, at least? πŸ™‚
    I’m afraid I’ve had very little experience with boys, but if I’ve learnt one thing, it’s that they’re unpredictable. Like, VERY unpredictable. One moment they’re acting like they’ve been your BFF for years, and next moment they act like they don’t even recognise you. It’s SOO annoying when that happens, because you can’t figure out anything, and it’s very confusing! And irritating! :/
    Like you, I have a very bad habit of blaming myself for every little thing that happens. I know it hurts. Sometimes, it hurts a lot and you just want to take your frustration out. Trust me, I know. I just hope that you calm down and come to accept things the way they are, coz that’s really the first step.
    from someone you can consider a sis ❀

    • You’re honestly so, so great πŸ™‚ Thank you for EVERYTHING – for all the advice, for all the support. It IS so difficult, and painful. Some stuff happened after I posted that, which I’ll write about soon, that threw stuff even further off kilter. But you’re right – acceptance, for me, is the first step.

      • I’m glad I could say something at least a little bit worthwhile. πŸ™‚
        And remember Elm, this one was NOT your fault. If stupid guys make stupid decisions and decide to behave like crap, there’s nothing you can do about it. It isn’t wrong to hope for things to go right, as long as you’re not wishing anyone else’s harm with it. After all, all you’re doing is HOPING. None of us would be anywhere without hope, you know. Every person needs something to base their hopes on, otherwise what are we even living for? What’s important is to realise that if what you’re hoping for isn’t coming true for you, then maybe, heck, definitely, there’s something better in store for you, and you have to keep hoping for it to happen to you. Hope isn’t selfish, it’s a necessity. ❀

      • I think we all can agree to that, actually. I for one, would probably have given up on life itself, quite long ago… if I hadn’t kept hoping that things will get better. Hope’s a very powerful support to your mind. Agreed, it gets your expectations too high at times, and then you suffer a hard crash. But it is also what helps you get back up. At least, that’s how I make it work for me. πŸ™‚
        But I won’t bore you with my stupid professor-like lectures anymore πŸ˜›

      • They’re neither stupid nor boring! They’re what I NEED. Thank you! Yes, hope is such a powerful emotion, and such a powerful FEELING.

      • They’re not? I was beginning to think it’s about time πŸ˜›
        Yes, it definitely is πŸ™‚ It’s one of the most powerful things in the world.

  9. I’m so sorry your last day didn’t go too well. Boys can be annoying like that, talking to others and totally ignoring you. And Elm, you blame yourself too much. It wasn’t your fault and you aren’t selfish. Life happens and sometimes it might be your fault, but more often than not, it ISN’T. It’s just that stuff happens. Wanting something to go right is normal. Don’t be so hard on yourself! Hope things clear up soon πŸ™‚

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