The one thing I didn’t even CONSIDER going wrong, did go wrong.
Before you read this post, read my previous one, because I honestly can’t explain the situation again.
Let’s recount EXACTLY what happened.
History is the second lesson – we had an assembly first thing. So I’m walking up the stairs, thinking: “Please don’t let something go wrong, please please PLEASE!”
I hear his voice coming from the classroom, and start to hope. “Okay,” I think. “This will be good.”
I walk to my chair, and am about to sit down.
When I realise: somebody is in my chair. I sit in the one next to it.
Yes. Of course Birch didn’t want to sit next to me. I thought that we would, but NO! He wants to sit next to Tom, a boy I didn’t KNOW he was friends with, and completely blank me throughout the lesson.
We were doing a quiz, and the quiz ITSELF was fun. But all through the lesson, I was listening to him talking to Tom and feeling ill and angry and jealous – not because he might “like” Tom because he’s not into boys, but because I wanted to be the one sitting next to him.
I’ve more or less given up. He gave me one-word responses on Facebook yesterday, so I’ve obviously done something. I just don’t see the point any more.
Maybe something will happen next year. Maybe I’ll tell him now to get it out of the way with. That’s probably what I’ll do, because I’m SICK of feeling like shit all the time and of everything not going to plan.
I WANTED today to be filled with happiness for me, because it’s the last day before the summer holidays start.
I also sit next to my friend Oak in History. He got it. I kept on having that pressure behind your eyes where you NEARLY start crying. Luckily, I didn’t, but I just felt so so angry and kept on muttering “fuck this!”
I waited for my friend Willow outside her sociology class, and basically had a breakdown minus the crying. I faced the wall and talked to Oak but I could barely speak and I could hear Birch’s voice down the corridor. I’m almost positive Ash saw me as he walked out of the classroom, because WHO wouldn’t see me? I was quite obvious.
I just feel rather hollow and disappointed. It doesn’t help that later, I have to go to a concert which I have no interest in, and which I KNOW will be terrible. This is NOT how I wanted to end my week. Or my year.
I’m so done. In the playground, Wren knew something was wrong and she hugged me and I clung on for dear life, because I was shaking.
And, well. Don’t read this next bit if you’re affected by mentions of self-harm.
I scratched my arms a little in history and then at break because I thought it was my fault. I just had enough.
Okay, sorry for mentioning that. I now feel guilty and awful for doing that.
To be honest, I just want to have a massive cry. I don’t know.
It’s not like when the Ypres trip was cancelled. I don’t want to utterly destroy myself.
But in a way, it’s similar. I HOPED, and I hoped so much that I fell further. I blame myself for that, really, because I should KNOW by now.
To you, this may all seem so whiny. “Why’s she so upset about this? It’s only a little thing!” Perhaps you’re right. To me, it’s a big thing inside my mind.
Yes, I might be misreading this, but I’m just so disappointed in myself and everything.
Sorry. It’s not anger I feel now; I’m just VERY upset. My English lesson was wonderful, and has helped a little, but I still feel utterly awful because…
Please tell me the truth – is the selfish to want someone? I’m getting desperate and that is NOT good. I can’t rebound; I won’t let myself because that hurts so, so much.
After History, I said to Oak: “Oh fuck it. I’ll just move on again.” It’s true. It’s all I do, you know? Rebound rebound rebound. He said I shouldn’t TOTALLY give up. I don’t know.
Is it selfish to want something to go right? I ALWAYS think it is.
Thank you so much for reading that.
From Elm 🙂