I NEED to talk about love, right now, because I have nowhere else to say it.
It’s Birch‘s birthday today. If you don’t know who he is – long story short: sit next to him in history, had a rather large and irritating crush on him, told him two days before I went to France, got rejected in a way.
I don’t pretend to know much about love. I was, and would be if he talked to me again, genuinely in love with Ash. I don’t deny it; actually, I’m glad it happened.
It let me feel something. It showed me I COULD feel something. It caused me pain, but at least I had what I had with him.
But this one, with Birch, is hurting me.
There are occasions where I just want to let go. Like in France, I just… I didn’t act like myself in reference to “crushes”. I would have been disgusted with myself, but I’m not, because I WANTED to be like that for a week and a half, at least. I don’t WANT to take anything seriously after everything that’s happened because I WAS hurt by that rejection on the 17th, and the one the year and a half before, and every single thing that happened with Ash sends reminders to my brain and makes me feel miserable. Next year’s going to be so difficult.
But it’s Birch’s birthday. I miss the conversations we had, you know? I miss him, and sitting next to him because next year, we’ll most likely change seating plans and I will NOT get my hopes up.
I don’t know. I’m just sad, I suppose, with all the reminders coming in.
Occasionally, I also wish that somebody could see me for who I actually am – who I actually am, I won’t say. It’s almost like I want to have a serious relationship, but I really DON’T – not now, when everything’s so fresh; I just want something else and I don’t know.
Skyping bloggers yesterday and the day before helped so much, because it was nice, and hilarious, and I was talking with my actual voice and I forgot about everything for a few hours.
Why am I even sad? I don’t have a clue. It makes no sense, because I shouldn’t be sad. It’s just all built up, I think.
Sorry about this 😦 I’ve tried to stay happy these past weeks and it’s worked, apart from now.
Thank you SO much for reading. It means a lot.
From Elm 🙂