TRIGGER WARNING: this post contains a lot of mentions of self-harm and death. Apologies. If you’re affected by this, don’t read it.
Look, I don’t give a fuck any more.
It’s funny because this keeps on happening. All the time. I should come to expect it, but NO: I just wend on my merry way when something good happens and FORGET ABOUT ANYONE ELSE BECAUSE I AM SELFISH.
Let me explain.
There is one blind camp I enjoy, and that’s VICTA: a weekend you go to with your parents (in this case my mum) and other families. One of my best friends goes there – the one who went to France with me – and we always (most always) have a good time.
But I can’t go this year.
At France, mum had a shit time. It was for me. THE HOLIDAY WAS FOR ME and I didn’t think about her. On the blind camp, I didn’t reply to any of her texts because I didn’t think.
So last night she sent me a text saying we weren’t going and that I should think about her for once. This morning, I read it, and I flipped out completely.
On the camp, I had a complete breakdown in front of two of the staff on Wednesday night because on the Tuesday, I’d helped too many people and it drained me. I said things like “I don’t deserve any help because people have more serious problems than me”, “I feel selfish whenever I think about myself”, “I forget to look after myself and sometimes I just don’t care”. These are thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis, along with “I need to think about everyone”, “I’m not important” and “I don’t deserve anything.”
But I forgot. I forgot about her.
I deserve this. I don’t want to do anything. Right now, and I’m serious about this, I want something to just come along and kill me. Not myself, but something. It’s the coward’s way out BUT I DON’T FUCKING CARE!
SHE’s the one in pain. SHE’s the one upset. Not me. I shouldn’t be upset. This isn’t about me and I’m selfish, see?! How can you not deny I’m selfish? Look, even THAT was about me. It’s about her, and the fact SHE feels like shit.
I won’t do this, but I deserve the pain I’d get if I hurt myself. I deserve every single bad thing that happens to me and more, because I am horrible, and I NEVER NEVER NEVER THINK!
You know what? I was so wrapped up in the good things that happened with Palm, and then alternately awful Ash memories that caused my breakdown on camp that I forgot, I forgot, I forgot, I forgot.
You deserve not to have a good time on VICTA, Elm. You should mend this relationship with your mother, like your father said, but can you be bothered? NO, because you’re lazy; NO, because you can’t move; NO, because your mum doesn’t understand what you’ve been through because YOU HAVEN’T TOLD HER.
She doesn’t know you want to disappear right now. She doesn’t know that if you had the willpower, you’d fucking take a knife to your throat and you can’t think like that because that’s awful, that’s awful, your family’s had enough pain you can’t, can’t, you can’t, see what I mean you only think about yourself. Get a fucking life and stop whining; your friends will see this and think you’re a crazed lunatic and if Palm ever finds out – well, seeing this side of me would just convince him I’m a complete bitch. Or that I’m unstable.
Think about others for once. Think about everyone. It’s so difficult, but you’ve done it before, so fucking do it again you inconsiderate bitch.
I give the fuck up. I feel so ill and angry and voletile and I’m so, so scared I’ll do something stupid. I cried in front of my dad like I never have before and he basically said it was partly my fault and he’s right and I need to accept that. I want them to know how this is affecting me because I need help, I need HELP but I don’t deserve it because other people have it worse than me and all I’m doing is attention-seeking and whining about my FUCKING INSIGNIFICANT PROBLEMS!
“Aww, she’s not going to blind camp? Shame! HOW TRAGIC!” It doesn’t matter that I was looking forward to it. It doesn’t matter that I think I’m a horrible person.
I can’t think of all the things I’m missing, because I. DESERVE. THIS.
I’m fucked up but there’s no point in doing anything about it because – well, the crux of the matter is:
I don’t deserve the good, but I deserve the bad.
I’m sorry for making you read that. I’m posting it anyway, because right now I’m unhinged and I think I need the support or something. I’m sorry; it’s awful.