I don’t really care how stupid and cliche this sounds but I’m actually crying my eyes out as I write this.
I’m single. Well that was the fucking shortest relationship ever. *claps* WELL DONE, ELM! YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO KEEP A BOYFRIEND!
Some of you already know this, but yesterday, I told my boyfriend about my history with self-harm and things like that – let me stress that said history is nothing serious at all and I refuse to pretend it is. And he was a bit weird with me after that and said he had to think on it. Me, being me, had a complete freakout on the kik chat and was convinced he was going to break up with me.
Sorry to all of you that had to witness that.
Anyway. I was right, but not for the reasons I thought. This morning, I messaged him and we had a short, polite conversation. I then apologised for saying what I’d said the night before, and he sent me this:
this isnt coz of what you told me, i’ve been mulling over this since wednesday. I was going to use what you said yesterday as an excuse but I thought the truth would be better. The fact of the matter is, I like you, I really do. you are cute, sweet, funny… But i just don’t feel a connection to you elm. You’re like… a really good friend but… i just dont feel it. I’m happy to talk to you over skype or the phone bt i wasnt sure of your reaction. So, yeah
I feel like complete, complete shit.
The only respite I can get from this is that he told me, and he told me the truth.
But the truth is that I’m hurt and I’m in so much pain. I liked this guy a lot and I hoped I could be happy, but that didn’t happen.
This year had been the worst of my life in terms of relationships. You guys remember Ash and all the rest of it. After that, I needed a break, and I got that for 2 weeks.
Part of me is trying to tell me that I deserve this, and that I’m disgusting and that I should never have trusted him. I hope I’ve learned enough to ignore that voice.
I CAN move on from this, because I wasn’t in love with him.
It’s just starting again that’s the problem. Picking myself up and having the energy to try not to rebound, but failing and getting hurt over and over again.
This isn’t my fault. This isn’t his fault. I don’t hate him at all but I’m still really hurt and I just want to scream. I’m at my mum’s house and she didn’t even know about the relationship so I can’t cry like I want to.
I’m sorry, guys. I’m not doing well at all. It’s just got too much and I know that I’m going to have reminders like with Ash and it’s going to be difficult.
To the bloggers on the kik chat, thank you so much for helping me. You were there directly after it happened, and you’ve always supported me. That means so much.
I did a post on regrets a little while ago but for this, the only thing I’ve got is pain. Maybe I’ll have something else to go along with it soon.
It still hurts. I’m going to have to throw myself back into the world, and I haven’t even thought about what will happen when I get back to school with Birch. I don’t even want to.
I’m not in a distructive mood. That’s stopped, I hope, but I still feel terrible as shit and I just want to give up. But I won’t. I promise you that.
Sorry again. I really hope you don’t mind me whinging on about this. I guess I just missed an opportunity. Oh well, whatever.
I’m not coping, but I will. I’m not happy, but I will be.
From Elm 🙂