I’m in shock. Complete shock. My heart’s still going at a million miles an hour and oh god, I’m a complete idiot.
So you know that yesterday, Palm broke up with me. Yesterday. Remember that, YESTERDAY.
And today, well, I-
For FUCK’s SAKE.
So my two friends came round to my house today – both blind and known them for years. There was K, who is 13 and… S, who’s my age. I’d use tree names but with K, I think he has a blog and S… I honestly can’t think of one that fits.
They stayed from 9:30 till 5 and to put it simply, we talked a lot. As the time progressed, I eventually held S’s hand a lot and got close with him and I’m cringing just writing this. There’s something wrong with me; I feel like a slut or some derogatory word like that.
There was a sort of buildup of emotion in me. K kept joking that S and I should get together and I was sort of wanting K to go to the loo for a few minutes by the end of it so I could see what happened, but then I didn’t because K is great and he shouldn’t need to feel he had to give us “alone time”.
Point is, a few minutes before we went to the train station, K DID go to the loo and, er, oh shit.
S and I kissed. I think. I don’t even know. I initiated it and fuck, WHY did I do that?! He didn’t object but I was horrified at myself and I don’t know HOW it happened.
Like I genuinely don’t know what I did, or how to describe it, or whether it was what people normally do and CRAP. I should have remembered it because for god’s sake, it was my first proper one – or was it? WAS IT?! I don’t know if I should count it.
He said he’d miss me before and AFTER it happened. Still can’t believe I did that, what the hell, I’m ELM, ELM, ELM! I’m not who you’d usually expect to have casual shit with people!
And then afterwards I felt so miserable when K and him left: K because K’s one of my good friends and I don’t get to see him that often, and S because of what had happened.
We talked about it just now and he said he was glad I did it but am I glad I did it? I think so.
Look, I don’t have strong feelings for him. I don’t WANT a relationship because I am still screwed up by the last one WHICH FUCKING ENDED YESTERDAY, what is wrong with me!
When people read this, they’ll probably say it shows I wasn’t committed to Palm but the thing is, I was, and that’s why I think I did it. I think S and I kissed for the sheer hell of it, or something, I don’t know, help me?
Oh god, I have no idea what to do. I REALLY don’t want a relationship. I often used to think that flings and “hook-ups” were awful, but ever since I went to France last year and this year (this year more) I realised it’s not TOO bad, but I thought I wouldn’t be the type of person to have one but I am. I am. I AM.
I shouldn’t have done it? Or is it okay? I feel like people should be disgusted with me, because I am a little with myself. Yesterday. And then today I just couldn’t stop myself at ALL. And I WANTED to do it, because I like him.
And now I feel guilty as hell because K is upset for some reason and I think he thought he shouldn’t have been in the way, which is bullshit because I’m so glad they were BOTH there.
Can someone please give me advice? I’m sorry to ask this of you all but I just don’t know what to do. I don’t really need advice on getting into a relationship with him, because I’ve already decided I don’t want to, but is that okay? Is what I did okay? Am I awful?!
Okay, breathe. BREATHE.
But if I saw him again I’d want to kiss him again or actually do that properly rather than the thing we did which, I don’t know what it was because I’VE NEVER DONE THIS PROPERLY BEFORE!
I need to calm down. I’m just scared I’m a terrible… Thing. Slut, slag, whore, user, fucker-around-with-emotions, whatever.