If you don’t like or aren’t in the mood for long, rambly, irritable posts, then don’t read this – this ticks all those boxes and even ticks boxes that don’t exist.
In this post, I’m going to mention several names that might not be familiar to new readers. If you’re confused, have a look at my Who’s who, Exactly? page. That should clear it up a bit, I hope.
I woke up too late today, but that was probably because I stayed up until 1, talking to S.
We talked about the situation that happened on Tuesday – where I’d kissed him – and I guess it helped. We said that we BOTH couldn’t deal with a year of not seeing each other, so hopefully we’ll meet up.
But then, over breakfast this morning, I just thought that I was so sick of everything.
I like S. I hate how I do. I don’t WANT to because it will hurt like hell, especially after Palm.
Yesterday, I said I was going to town with Odd. I had a brilliant time: we read summaries of books in bookshops (including 50 Shades of Grey, screw you Odd). In fact, she read me extracts. Oh god.
I went to her house and it was great, too, until she let me go on her iPod. (Sorry about this, Odd). Because I wanted to cause myself unnecessary pain, I went on to her messenger conversation with Ash and ONLY looked at the messages from 30 March, the day after we broke friends and Odd had talked about it to him. I know that’s a breach of privacy and I’m so so sorry, but I never looked at any of your other messages. That’s no excuse and I feel guilty as hell.
BANG. Hurt like hell. Hurt so badly that I just couldn’t do anything for a while. All the things he had said about me – that I’d never given him any privacy – were true, true, true. He said it in such a way that it fucking hurt and I understood EXACTLY why he didn’t want to be friends with me, because I didn’t want to be friends with me.
And this morning, it all came flooding back. What I’d done. What an idiot I’d been. Ash memories and EVERYTHING else, and memories of Palm and Birch and Cedar.
Speaking of Cedar, I’m going to call him today. We talked yesterday and we arranged it and I’m an idiot, because I don’t know how I feel.
This was a shit post. I suppose I’m just tired: I want something to go right without so much pain involved; I want to feel happiness for a prolonged period of time; I just want to not have to be on my guard and I want to think about Ash without misery.
I want to savour the Ash memories that were good, not flinch in pain every time I think them. I want to sit in history next year, either next to Birch or not, and not think about how stupid I’d been to tell him my feelings. I want to talk to Cedar normally, without fear of looking like an idiot or without fear of feelings growing that I don’t want. I want to think about S WITHOUT confusion, and without cursing the distance and time.
I really hope I’m not the only one feeling like this – in my mind, I know I’m not, but on the surface I guess I feel isolated. I’m scared about the situation with S, and nervous of Ash, and confused about more or less everything and everyone.
Sorry. I just need to get the thoughts out, so that I won’t think about them so much. Does that make sense? This was a terrible post, but hopefully I’ll write more cheerfully soon. That’s the Elm I am now.
I hope you don’t mind. Looking back, I suppose I always end up like this: posting miserable stuff, then getting happy again, then back to miserable stuff. It’s irritating.
I wanted to write more about this, but there’s nothing left to say. One day, if it’s okay with you, I think I’ll write out the whole Ash situation. From start to finish. It will hurt, but I think I need it.
That conversation with S last night though – I don’t know what to think. I was happy. We didn’t talk about US, as a couple – or not really. We kind of did. I’m just too confused because he lives FIVE HOURS away from me. I can’t deal with it. I don’t want to get hurt, you know?
Sorry again! I keep on apologising. I promise I’ll let you know about the Cedar conversation and I swear, the next post won’t be sad.
What’s up with everyone? How’s school going, or how’s your holiday depending on where you live, and is everything going okay? Let me know!
From Elm 🙂