I CAN deal with this. I know I can, but it’s difficult, and it’ll take time, and… Right, I’m not making any sense.
I’ve got a few things to talk about, so bare with me. Like I said yesterday, this is the start of a new year and my posts won’t be as great and I’m sorry.
I went back to school today, and god it was boring. Seeing my friends, like Pine and Odd and Red and Wren, was amazing, but we stayed in our form room all day.
The things that screwed me over were the timetables – when we received them, I mean – and the assembly that we had at 12 o’clock.
Alright. I’m going to talk about Birch first. It’s easier.
I got my timetable and looked through the days. Immediately, I felt ill, because on Tuesday, my lessons are as follows:
AKA: Birch, Ash, Ash, Birch, and then in sociology I sit near a girl who knows what happened with him and I don’t like her.
History. Right. Birch. I doubt I’ll sit next to him – the thought of that literally made me feel physically sick when I was thinking about it in assembly. Just thinking about him talking to someone else like he talked to me makes me so, so sad – I have no feelings towards him any more, but the point is, I miss the friendship.
And if we don’t sit near each other, I’m going to have trouble coping. I’m going to feel absolutely god-awful because of the opportunities I’ll have missed.
And French. Double fucking French.
We don’t have the same teacher this year so for all I know, I could sit near Ash. I can’t deal with that. Thinking about talking to him in a class setting makes me want to punch something because it hurts.
I imagined the things that would be said and my wrists felt weak and you know when you feel freezing all over? I guess I felt powerless.
Now, let’s talk about that damn assembly.
I was doing okay at the start. The timetable dilemma was still smashing through my head and I couldn’t concentrate on what the teacher was saying, but my thoughts weren’t getting miserable. They were just mildly irritated.
But then, the teacher said something. I honestly can’t remember what it was because of what happened after – something trivial and small. Even when I look back, I can’t remember.
It triggered the worst set of Ash reminders I’ve had in a very long time. I felt so ill that I just couldn’t do anything.
I can’t even bring back what they were. I thought about his birthday and the fact that he said he was going to get me something for my next one, but that won’t happen. I thought about everything he’s said to me and I just wanted to cry – I nearly did, which is VERY embarrassing.
I’m not in love with Ash any more, but I was, and even if I don’t regret it, it damn well hurts.
After school, I also realised I hadn’t spoken to Willow all day or that I hadn’t spoken to her properly in at least 2 weeks and that made my mood fuck up even more. I don’t think she reads my blog any more but I don’t care.
It’s not all bad: I have my friends, and this blog – speaking of, I’m struggling to read blogs recently. It’s horrible but I just can’t do it, unless people request me to and I happily will.
Sorry, guys. On Tuesday, you’re going to get a REALLY bad post through your reader. It’s sort of inevitable because I’m terrified.
Thanks for being so supportive, and I’m really sorry about this. If this gets bad, I’m going to see someone.
From Elm 🙂
PS: Dear God, I feel so damn guilty or pathetic for posting this!