I’ll put it out there: I haven’t had a good day.
In one of my recent posts, I mentioned how today I would have lessons with Birch and Ash. And now, I’ll talk about them.
Just to explain: last year, I sat next to Birch in History. I developed a… Crush on him, after everything went to hell with Ash. On the last day of school, I told him how I felt and he said he didn’t want to get into a relationship with anyone. And so, for the whole summer, I’ve been terrified of this year and the prospect of being near him.
I felt physically sick before history – I have that with Birch – and, when we sat down, I originally thought he wouldn’t be sitting next to me because Kyle, apparently, would sit next to me instead.
And the thought of that made me feel so damn upset that I could barely breathe.
It turns out that it was another girl, with the same name as me, that Kyle would sit next to – I only knew this because the teacher said, “Hi, Birch! Okay, you sit next to Elm!”
“Oh, just like last year!” my friend Oak said, and then I realised and felt absolutely horrified – yet sort of relieved.
Because now, I have the whole year (until study leave) to examine my feelings and to realise what will happen with me. I know Birch, as opposed to having to adjust to someone else sitting where my mind thinks HE should be, on a fundamental level; it’s strange. I think it’s better, this way, now I look back on it – to be honest, if he HADN’T sat next to me, I don’t know what I would have done.
I have two french lessons in between the two history lessons, but I’ll talk about it as a collective thing. It’s not the same, of course: I guess the conversations were “awkward”, but his humour is still the same.
I didn’t feel anything. Perhaps that’s because it was the first day and I was in shock, or maybe my feelings really ARE gone. I don’t know. I look at it closely and I wonder what he thinks about me, because the sort of spark I felt for him isn’t there any more.
Right. Ash. Shit.
The good news is, I don’t sit next to him. He sits three rows behind me, but I was actually petrified to the point of not moving when I considered that he was in the same classroom as me. Even now, I feel cold all over because I used to trust him.
TO NEW READERS: Ash used to be my best friend until he basically stopped talking to me; he knows so much about me and I know so much about him that it’s just horrible thinking about him. It’s a very long story but the basics are that I fell in love with him (those feelings are more or less gone now).
I sat next to my friend Fern, which was a massive comfort because she knows everything that happened with him – or near enough. I think I needed it: even if it WAS chance that we sat next to each other, she could distract me.
But the whole thing: history, french, french, history – took it’s toll on me. At break and lunch, I was okay and I managed to suppress the feelings. But by the end of sociology, the last lesson of the day, my head was pounding, my vision had gone blurry and I was shaking as I got out, because I just couldn’t deal with it. It had all caught up to me.
I just felt like doing nothing. I couldn’t even damn well work, and in the taxi I actually forced myself to think about Ash. Stupid idea: I remembered more or less everything.
Whenever I heard his name or his voice, in French, I just felt empty. I felt freezing as anything.
I think it’s emptiness that I feel right now. I had a horrible realisation in the taxi that I knew something about Ash – what it is, I can’t say because it’s the one promise I’ll keep for him – and it all hit me. I knew that about him. It had happened to him. TO HIM. I had almost forgotten, in the rush of pain I got whenever he was mentioned, but does he remember that he told me?
I think I’ll stop now. I honestly can’t really do anything and my wrists feel weak. I don’t feel so well, and I won’t bore you with this.
There’s one more thing that I have to explain, though.
A lot of you said, on my post where I freaked out about today, that if I thought positively about it it wouldn’t be so bad. I’m not saying you’re wrong, but I have to explain now why it doesn’t work for me, except I don’t know how.
I knew today would be bad. That’s because… So, I knew that either way, I’d have thoughts about Birch AND Ash. In the same day, and straight after each other, which has never happened before. I knew that, even if nothing happened, I’d still have those thoughts.
That’s the crux of it: I have those thoughts, which drag me down so badly because I THINK them, and I physically can’t stop myself from thinking them. I can’t distract myself. I can’t stop the thoughts from coming whenever anyone mentions their names. If I could think positively, I would because it would make it better, but you have to understand that for me, I just can’t.
It’s just a thing that is. I can’t control it, because I’ve tried. Like I said: it’s not the things that happen, it’s the thought of it.
I almost wish more things had happened so I’d feel like my thoughts are justified. But that’s stupid.
Thanks for reading. I haven’t read ANY of your stuff and I feel terrible for it; I’m so sorry. I hope you can understand my thought processes, and a little of why I get so scared about these things.
From Elm 🙂