So yesterday and today, something was happening with one of the members of the Blog Squad (a group chat on Twitter). I won’t go into details, but if you follow me on Twitter then you can probably see my tweets.
Anyway. We all came together to support her – can I just say, that was honestly so amazing. I’m so proud of everyone for it.
Today, we were all discussing how open we were on our blogs, and I said I was very honest. I’m going to explain why.
I think being somewhat “annonymous” helps. It means I don’t have to mind my words. Even if my trusted friends know about this, I still don’t have to mind my words.
If I wasn’t honest, bad things would happen. I would snap, more than I already do. I would shut myself down and call myself selfish literally WHENEVER I thought about myself, because I wouldn’t have an outlet for these thoughts.
Perhaps I’m being selfish, on this blog, because recently I’ve barely been reading any posts and only writing my own. Perhaps that’s bad. But to be honest, I have so much going on and I hope you don’t mind me venting. If you do, read no further; you’ve got the gist of the post anyway.
VENT STARTS NOW (it’s messy)
Today, I felt so shitty. It’s kind of a return to yesterday, because I STILL had left over emotion. I think it was a culmination of the stress and fear from yesterday, the fact that I was actually recoiling from people touching me (why?) and also because I felt horrible about the S situation. S is a guy who I’ve been friends with 3 years, if you don’t know – lives in Yorkshire, came round to my house two weeks ago and I kissed him. ANYWAY. It’s a long story and I’m exhausted.
I think I feel so terrible because I feel powerless. I have so much to do, and so many people that I feel like I NEED to help.
So, what’s on my mind right now? Little bullet points for ya. Not bullet points. Urgh.
Flashbacks of Ash (previous best friend I was in love with and who abandoned me with no notice)
Panicking over having to possibly sort out a revision timetable for all my holidays
Stressing over the amount of subjects I have
Worrying over my music composition and whether it’s good or not
Feeling awful over the S situation and how I wasn’t talkative yesterday with him because of my headache
Feeling like I HAVE to help people otherwise I’m useless
Screaming in my head that I can’t help anyone and that I’m trapped
Getting horrible memories from 4 years ago which I can’t talk about because I’m not sure if my dad still reads this (if you do, can I talk about this? It’s fucking me up)
Being terrified over the future
Being worried about jobs, college and sixth form choices etc
Angry at myself over the fact that I freaked out at form (20 minutes after lunch and before 5th lesson) and the teacher was in a meeting and came back but I had no idea what to do and I felt so dizzy that I nearly fell over, and spent the rest of the time in the medical room because I felt too emotionally awful to do shit
Panicking over how many people I need to talk to because I feel guilty otherwise
Bloody hell, that was a long list. Sorry.
THIS is why I’m honest. There are many people who aren’t open on their blog, and that’s okay. Whatever way you express your feelings is fine; we all have our different methods.
This isn’t a post where I’m at a point where I start breaking and being scared of myself. It’s a way to organise my thoughts.
I have too much homework to do and too much stuff to organise and I’m too exhausted to do any of it.
From Elm 🙂