I was buying some books today (mostly romance) and it came to me that I want that kind of meaningful relationship you read about.
Ugh, wait, no. That’s not right; I can’t get my words to work. Give me a second.
I got a horrible ache in my chest when I was reading earlier, because I remember what it was like to feel what those characters felt for each other.
Whatever way you look at it, from whichever angle, viewpoint and perspective, I was in love with Ash from about October to June. I’m not ashamed of it. It’s part of who I am and it made me grow as a person.
But I miss the thumping in my chest and the feeling whilst we talked and the simple action of air moving in and out of my lungs whilst I thought about him, as if it had a weight to it. I miss walking whilst thinking about him and the simple, fundamental reassurance I felt.
Do you, or did you, ever get that? Just knowing what was up and what was down when it came to him; knowing he’d be there?
But you know what? I’m not sad, at all. I’m happy. I’m thoughtful, but happy.
I’ve lost that feeling. Like something’s missing from you, I suppose, and it goes numb but you can still kind of feel it. It’s like a fingerprint: it can NEVER feel the same, with anybody else. Ash had his own heartbeat in my mind and it will always stay that way. Does that make sense? It’s like a specific pattern, too complex to put down on a page or to talk about.
I can learn new patterns, though. Have them seared into my mind and my heart as much as Ash’s is. It’s not a bad thing.
I reflect on Ash now and it still hurts. I don’t think I can ever move on from what happened, from what we said and all the memories, but they’re in with his pattern. It’s part of what makes it him, to me. Remember, no regrets?
But I can find that feeling again. In a book, you always want a character to end up with a specific person. God knows I hate it when a character breaks up with someone in a book, and I hate love triangles.
Life doesn’t work like that. With life, you go through relationships. With life, you can have so many patterns embedded in your brain but you know them, or think you know them.
I miss Cassia, too; I know that if I’d spoken with her more, I would have loved her. France was something I’ll never forget.
When you’ve been in love, what they did and what you did will stay in your mind forever. You’ll feel there’s a hole that you just can’t close. You’ll feel like crying over reminders that make you unable to move and it’s a sad, dark truth that I’ve never avoided and I admit that.
But I know, one day, I will fall in love again. I know that sounds arrogant, but so be it; I won’t deny that I fall in love easily but I know that at least once more, I’ll have that deep, insurmountable feeling again. I miss that solid feeling, though. I almost WANT a meaningful relationship when I can love the person without fear, but I won’t push that idea onto someone.
Thank you so much for reading. I guess I’m just reflecting on things, like Ash. I never had anything with him, but I loved him, and it showed me that even though I’m fucked up from it and I’m still hurting, I have the capacity in MYSELF to fall in love.
From Elm 🙂