Lots of swearing in this post. Sorry 😦
Crap, it’s time to talk about THIS again.
Yeah. Right. I’m blind. And I only say this because, today, I had one of my very rare “Life is unfair oh crap oh god fuck my eyes” days.
If you know me in real life or have followed my blog for a while, you should know that I don’t give a crap about my disability. It doesn’t often affect me. My eyes are bad – very bad – as in I can’t see for shit in one (as in, totally blind) and in the other, I might as well be. I make it sound worse than it is – sorry.
I had to do maths homework today, which is due in tomorrow. I should have done it earlier, but whatever; it’s too late now. I had to draw a graph. Two graphs. And interpret four more.
I draw graphs in a different way. It’s hard to explain. But it takes me about double the time that everyone in my class would take, even with help. God, that sounds so pathetic.
Usually, I do that kind of homework in school, but this time I did it at home. I worked out the values I had to plot fine (for reference, they were cubic graphs) but when it came to the plotting, I freaked. Completely.
It wasn’t necessarily the plotting of the graph. Theoretically, I knew how to do that, but this time I was doing it by myself when I never have before. It was just the thought of it, and when I thought about things leading up to it, and I just felt tears coming on and I screamed “WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO DO THIS?!” What’s the point, though? Why do I need this? The whole thing took me over an hour and I was panicking and my hands were shaking.
I don’t think I’ve described it very well. It was one of those days where I was in a mood and my dad realised and sat with me whilst I did the graph – I only finished one because I couldn’t deal with anything else – and afterwards I just cried for a little while because I was scared and angry and I hated everything about having a disability AT THAT POINT, when I never often do. It was a shock, because I haven’t had one of those days in a very, very long time, and it’s so rare that when it does hit, it’s horrible.
I hate showing this side of me. I don’t want pity. It makes me feel weak, because life goes on and I KNOW that. But sometimes, I just scream in my mind that life’s unfair and that I’m a freak. The first one is true, the second really, really isn’t. I feel like if I freak out about this disability, which shouldn’t even bother me, that I’m not normal. Stupid, I know, but I’m being honest.
Please, don’t get the impression I think like this all the time. That’s the farthest from the truth you can get. There are many people who feel shit about having a disability (it’s understandable) but I’m not one of them, except I am today.
Why? There’s no logical reason. Graphs always upset me to the point of tears, when they’re not even that difficult. I don’t even want to think about the future, like jobs, in this state because it will drag me down further and further and I am NOT having another stupid pity party.
Sorry. I just need to get this out. I’m at my mum’s house – was at my dad’s when doing the graph – and I know he’s worried, because I said that of all the days, today was not one where I wanted her to make me feel like shit because I feel like shit anyway. I said to him, after the graph making crap, that everything was going wrong and I just felt so hollow that it freaked me the fuck out.
Thanks so much, if you got to the end of this. This isn’t one of my best posts, but I’m trying to organise my thoughts. If the teacher yells at me tomorrow, I will actually either hit someone, cry or both. It scares me.
Thanks again, for sticking with me. It means the world.
From Elm 🙂