And This Mood Hits at the Most Irritating Time

Lots of swearing in this post. Sorry 😦

Crap, it’s time to talk about THIS again.

Yeah. Right. I’m blind. And I only say this because, today, I had one of my very rare “Life is unfair oh crap oh god fuck my eyes” days.

If you know me in real life or have followed my blog for a while, you should know that I don’t give a crap about my disability. It doesn’t often affect me. My eyes are bad – very bad – as in I can’t see for shit in one (as in, totally blind) and in the other, I might as well be. I make it sound worse than it is – sorry.

I had to do maths homework today, which is due in tomorrow. I should have done it earlier, but whatever; it’s too late now. I had to draw a graph. Two graphs. And interpret four more.

I draw graphs in a different way. It’s hard to explain. But it takes me about double the time that everyone in my class would take, even with help. God, that sounds so pathetic.

Usually, I do that kind of homework in school, but this time I did it at home. I worked out the values I had to plot fine (for reference, they were cubic graphs) but when it came to the plotting, I freaked. Completely.

It wasn’t necessarily the plotting of the graph. Theoretically, I knew how to do that, but this time I was doing it by myself when I never have before. It was just the thought of it, and when I thought about things leading up to it, and I just felt tears coming on and I screamed “WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO DO THIS?!” What’s the point, though? Why do I need this? The whole thing took me over an hour and I was panicking and my hands were shaking.

I don’t think I’ve described it very well. It was one of those days where I was in a mood and my dad realised and sat with me whilst I did the graph – I only finished one because I couldn’t deal with anything else – and afterwards I just cried for a little while because I was scared and angry and I hated everything about having a disability AT THAT POINT, when I never often do. It was a shock, because I haven’t had one of those days in a very, very long time, and it’s so rare that when it does hit, it’s horrible.

I hate showing this side of me. I don’t want pity. It makes me feel weak, because life goes on and I KNOW that. But sometimes, I just scream in my mind that life’s unfair and that I’m a freak. The first one is true, the second really, really isn’t. I feel like if I freak out about this disability, which shouldn’t even bother me, that I’m not normal. Stupid, I know, but I’m being honest.

Please, don’t get the impression I think like this all the time. That’s the farthest from the truth you can get. There are many people who feel shit about having a disability (it’s understandable) but I’m not one of them, except I am today.

Why? There’s no logical reason. Graphs always upset me to the point of tears, when they’re not even that difficult. I don’t even want to think about the future, like jobs, in this state because it will drag me down further and further and I am NOT having another stupid pity party.

Sorry. I just need to get this out. I’m at my mum’s house – was at my dad’s when doing the graph – and I know he’s worried, because I said that of all the days, today was not one where I wanted her to make me feel like shit because I feel like shit anyway. I said to him, after the graph making crap, that everything was going wrong and I just felt so hollow that it freaked me the fuck out.

Thanks so much, if you got to the end of this. This isn’t one of my best posts, but I’m trying to organise my thoughts. If the teacher yells at me tomorrow, I will actually either hit someone, cry or both. It scares me.

Thanks again, for sticking with me. It means the world.

From Elm πŸ™‚

50 thoughts on “And This Mood Hits at the Most Irritating Time

  1. It’s ok that you’re having one bad day. We all have those…my brother has a disability that makes it hard to read and write. He never complains, he somehow makes it through, but some days he just throws up his hands.
    And I want to tell you a secret, I sort of look up to you and how amazing you are. Never complaining about your disability, blogging, and doing things that other people tend to stay away from if they’re impaired. You’re amazing Elm, don’t stop for one moment. I know you can do anything you set your mind to. πŸ™‚

    • You are such a brilliant person, Liv. Thank you so much; also, you admire me? God, that makes me feel so happy. I admire you too, for being such a great friend and for being honestly fantastic. Thank you. Thank you so much.

  2. Unfortunately bad days happen and I’m not going to give you some speech about everything being all right because that’s crap. Everything will never be right, but there is a difference on focusing on the bad or focusing on the good.
    But you can do it, and I’m pretty sure you don’t even need to be told that.
    You got this love πŸ™‚

  3. It is okay to have bad days sometimes I am just really glad you don’t feel like that all the time! You are an incredibly strong person to not let it get to you, and somethings will be harder, but if you know that you can do it then you will be able to! I am glad you were able to get them done, and hopefully your teacher doesn’t get mad tomorrow! Just know that I am here if you ever need me!

  4. Its okay I defiantly don’t know what it’s like to feel exactly the same ways as you but schools often expect far too much. I know its hard to just let it go but take a deep breath and breathe its a bad day not a bad life.

  5. It’s okay to have bad days, you know. I think you’re an unbelievably strong person anyway, the way you just cope with everything on your own. It’s okay to fall down (everyone does, anyway) but the great thing about you is that you always manage to get back up (and quite instantly, too!). You’re an awesome person, always remember that. πŸ™‚
    Who gives a crap about graphs anyway? πŸ˜‰

  6. Bad things happen and if everything gets overwhelming that’s cool, it happens to everyone. Don’t be mad at yourself for freaking out. Just let it be, I mean, it already happened and like you said, it doesn’t happen often. So yeah. Life can seem pretty crappy sometimes and there’ll always be stuff that’s bad but do you and look at the good stuff! πŸ™‚

  7. Mathi is terrible for me (forget I got an A as a final grade last year, please!!!!!) so I can relate a little bit.You say you don`t want pity, but I feel sorry for you because you can`t see what I see. And you have to realise that. . some days you`re going to be like “Damn, I can`t really do this like other human beings because of my disability.” I think it`s better to think that way than to run away from these thoughts and feelings, dear Elm:) You`re not a freak or any other stupid thing you call yourself – you`re just you.
    We cry, we laugh, we think, we feel, we smile, we tear up. We`re only humans. As long as you get up soon you`re fine πŸ˜€

    PS: Your teacher should understand. Really. If she/he doesn`t, I`ll slap her for you. πŸ˜‰

  8. We all have days like that, and it’s so okay to. You’re one of the strongest people I have ever seen, and the fact that in the long wrong, a day like this couldn’t stop you from inspiring hundreds of other bloggers is amazing. Today’s a new day, and I hope you’re feeling better, because you certainly deserve to πŸ™‚

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