I’d guess you could say I’m not in a good place right now.
I shouldn’t even be posting this. All logic tells me not to because my wrists feel the weakest they’ve felt in two months and my heart is thumping horribly in my chest and I feel kind of dead. And hopeless. And like every single little bit of life has been sucked out of me.
I haven’t done anything. That’s not the point of this post so please don’t be scared. I just have thoughts and I will never do anything about those thoughts, as horrible as they might be, for various reasons – not least because I love you guys too much.
I don’t want to talk about what happened today. I don’t think I can. There are only two people, right now, who know the full extent of what happened. Wel, only really one. Because I told them.
It’s complicated. It’s NOT complicated. It’s just my fucked up brain being stupid and my fucked up emotions going haywire and my fucked up everything doing summersaults.
This is one of the times where I can’t be honest. It’s not because something terrible has happened; it’s because I’m too fragile and too stupid and too weak – stop stop stop no
Okay. Okay. I’m okay! I need to stop being so fucking attention-seeking. I need to STOP. I need to stop jabbering in half formed sentences and worrying everyone.
You know when you want something so desperately and it never comes and you’re left with a viciously empty feeling that screams that you should do stupid things and I won’t explain because that would trigger me and everyone else.
You know when you miss something so badly that it chokes you and makes you want to hit something and when you can’t you go haywire? No? I don’t know. I have no idea what I’m doing.
I’m lost. I’m so damn lost and attention-seeking and hopeless; I’m HOPELESS and I have no valid reason to feel any of this. I’m probably making it all up and I’ve convinced myself of it because deep down I bet I WANT to be fucked up.
That’s ridiculous, Elm! That’s ridiculous.
This is the kind of path my thoughts run across. I can’t help it. I’ve just had – I haven’t even HAD a fallback! I don’t know! It’s scaring me and I want to do something and I want to make everything right with everyone and I don’t want people to hate me and I don’t want to be me, sometimes.
I just need to stop. I need to STOP and whatever that is, I don’t care. I need time out. I wish I trusted like I did before, but that’s ALSO ridiculous.
What’s making it worse is the fact that my mother is commenting on my face and trying to get rid of the shit on it and it’s making me hate myself so, so much which is so stupid that I just can’t. I’ve built a tower these past two weeks and it’s finally falling and I’m damn glad of it, but I feel so numb and dead and I just shouted at my mother and whenever I do that awful things happen like I dig a hole for myself and hate it and I’m making no sense.
Don’t worry, alright? 🙂 I’ll be okay. I just need to write all this down. I will be fine, I promise.
I still feel half dead and like a whirlpool is chipping away at me, but that’s the expected reaction.
I’m sorry for this. Thank you so much for reading.
From Elm 🙂