Trigger warning for this post. It mentions suicide and self harm. I’m sorry about this.
I have something to say.
Yesterday, at about 11 at night, I signed up to the ChildLine website.
At the time, things in my head weren’t bad. In fact, about two hours before, I’d had the happiest half hour of my life with my sister. I knew, though, that I’d need it the day after, or the day after that, or the day after that or any day.
It’s a complicated thing. At the time of creating it, I was terrified but I felt oddly relieved. My advice to you is that if you feel awful and you just can’t do anything anymore, sign up. I’m sure it will help, because my friends have said positive things about it.
This is so difficult to talk about, but I thought I’d let you know. It will be even more difficult with real life people reading this, but you guys deserve the truth – I wish I didn’t have to say it this way. It’s making me feel cold.
There’s a point where you have to realise you can’t do this alone. Your friends help so much, but sometimes, your thoughts get so terrifyingly bad and so painful that you are so scared you’ll do something. You want to try this new thing out, to see how much it will help, because you need it. You have to face up to the fact that you aren’t strong right now.
I think the website will help me. I can get advice there from counsellors, and other people, and maybe I’ll find someone to talk to. I don’t necessarily need it, because I have a blog and all of my friends on here are wonderful, but I’m scared.
Like, really scared. I’ll explain why, and this is the part where if you’re affected by mentions of suicide and self-harm, stop reading. I know what it feels like to be triggered, and you shouldn’t go through that.
Don’t be alarmed by this next bit, please? It’s okay. I’m okay, but I need to say it.
Yesterday, and on Wednesday, I wanted to die.
Fuck. This is horrible to write down, but I need to explain.
I still can’t face up to what happened on Tuesday, but it affected me badly. On Wednesday, in maths, I fucked my wrists up with my hands so badly that the next day, I could feel it. All through the day I was screaming inside my head. Yesterday was even worse because all I wanted was for an accident to come along and kill me. That’s the truth and I’m sorry.
And today, the thoughts got even worse, because I realised how unsocial I am and hated myself all through history. History is where I sit next to Birch – look on my Who’s who, exactly? page to find out who he is because I’m exhausted.
I felt hopeless. Couldn’t do any work. I haven’t done anything to myself since yesterday, but I feel so dead that it’s scaring me.
I’m so, so sorry about this. You shouldn’t have to read this but I can’t help it; I need to scream my thoughts onto a post because this is destroying me. This is why I set up the Childline account. I need the help, frankly, and I need to realise I do.
I won’t kill myself. That’s out of the question and I don’t think I CAN explain why, as much as I want to because it’s been hurting me for 4 years. I gave too much away then. Sorry.
I can’t help feeling awful and terrible, and every time anyone spoke to me today I either wanted to cry, hit them or hit myself. I think people noticed I was miserable, but I have no energy to pretend any more. I’m done.
All in all, I need to do something about my mental health, now. I was ready to scream at teachers today because they didn’t understand, but it’s time for me to make myself feel better, in any way I can.
This is going to fuck me up for a while. I knew that the minute I did what I did that caused all this. My thoughts are still screaming at me; I feel as numb as anything, and I know my friends will be worried once I post this. I’M worried. Just don’t panic, okay? I’m here and always will be.
Yesterday, I told myself that there was nothing left to live for. I felt the whole ‘Live your life!’ attitude slipping between my fingers, and then shouted at myself and chalked it up to bullshit. I don’t think that anymore.
I still think everything’s pointless and I feel horribly weak, but I’m okay. I’m taking little steps to make myself okay.
In history, I tried to cheer myself up by talking to Birch, but it failed. He was talking to other people about a party and, like I said, I realised how much of a closed-off awful person I am.
If any of you feel awful, you can always talk to me. Talk to your friends, your family, or sign up for Childline or a similar service in your country. You shouldn’t ever have to feel alone or like the world hates you, or that you have nothing left, like I did.
You’re only by yourself if you shut yourself away.
From Elm 🙂