Please don’t read this if you want to stay happy

Alright, heads up: this is a horrible post. I need to warn you in advance because right now, I’m in such a bad place and I’m going to be totally honest on this blog, including the messy parts, because I’m truly terrified.

I have fucked up. Totally. And I need to confess something.

Last Tuesday, I contacted Ash for the first time in 2 months, asking if we could start afresh. He didn’t reply. This is why I’ve been feeling so horrific for the past week, and I didn’t want to say anything because I never wanted to face up to it. Honestly, I told nobody apart from two friends and please, please don’t ask me about it. Perhaps later, but not now.

I don’t blame him for not replying. My friend Holly found out, and spoke to him about it today (I didn’t want her to).

At break, she said that he asked her why the hell he should talk to me when I exposed his privacy before. He’s right. He’s so fucking right.

Holly and I have been through a lot. Mainly me being a bitch last year – she was in love with Ash too. Long story short, I found out rumours, spread them like a stupid bitch, fucked things up between them, he hates me, she probably does, blah blah blah.

Last year, he split friends with me because of privacy issues. As in, me exposing his privacy too many times. I just looked over the texts between Holly and I that happened last year and I’m truly horrified at myself.

I hate myself. I genuinely think I’m an awful person. I said I wouldn’t do that again – spread rumours – but I did. At the time I just didn’t take it seriously because I’m awful, I’m awful, and he should never want to talk to me again.

I freaked out at break. I said everything was my fault, that I blamed myself, that I was horrible. At one point, I screamed “I’VE GIVEN HIM THREE FUCKING MONTHS TO GET HIS SHIT TOGETHER!” and Holly said he needed time and then the self-loathing started.

He forgave her because they’d “been through a lot together” and they just had to be friends, and they were good friends before. FUCKING TICK, TICK, TICK with me. WOW.

I do not deserve to be forgiven. Holly said that after I said it and she’s damn right. I FUCKED HER LIFE UP, and she’s being so supportive to me. She said that I was retaliating to what he’d done, but I was the one that fucked everything up.

Wasn’t I?

What did he do? I won’t blame him. It is my fault; end of.

Again, I hate myself. I have no right to be forgiven and now, I know, tonight I’m going to get some messages that could say any of these:

“So you’re going to get Holly to fight your battles for you?”

“I don’t see why I should talk to you.”

“I hope you know that you’re petty and childish.”

I can’t do this. I can’t. I’m just realising what I did and I want to crawl out of my skin and leave my heart behind. I want people to hate me because that’s all I deserve, and I don’t care what anyone says about this. I’m awful.

It’s not even enough that I feel guilty. I’ll never make up for what I’ve done. Ever. And I just have to deal with that and lie in the ashes of the fire I caused.

I don’t hate him. I can’t deal with it if he hates me, even if I’m screaming that I deserve it. I do.

Red and Holly saw me freak out. I nearly cried and I hate crying in front of loads of people.

I’m done. I’m tired, and I hope I get what I deserve one day.

Sorry. I’m so sorry.

From Elm

81 thoughts on “Please don’t read this if you want to stay happy

  1. Hey Elm, you’ve been calling Childline, right? Now might be a good time to do that just to talk to a human being about this.
    As someone who’s fucked up badly before, but also been a victim of other people’s fucking up- everyone deserves to be forgiven. And people will forgive you.
    You’re aware of what you did, and you’re feeling remorse for it. That means you’re a good person. The fact that you’ve realised you made a mistake makes you a better person than a lot of the people I know.
    You can’t change the past, but you can learn from this and use it to become a better person in the future. Ok?
    Once again: you don’t deserve terrible things to happen to you, just because you messed up.

    • Yeah. Fiona, you are wonderful. Your words helped me so much; I think I will call Childline.
      I’m still trying to come to terms with what I did. It’s horrible.

      • ❀ Something that helps me is remembering that no amount of hating yourself and beating yourself up can change what you did in the past. that just makes you sad, and puts you in a bad mental state where you might make mistakes like that again.
        still express remorse, and ask for forgiveness, but also try hard to learn from it. you can avoid making the same mistake in the future. And that makes you a better person. also i know if people see that you really understand what you did, and you know to never do it again, they'll be much more happy to forgive you πŸ™‚
        it's hard but i know you can get through this!

  2. Elm. No one should ever hate you. You never ever deserve to be hated. We all, every single human being, have moments of weakness. We are all assholes, and that sucks. Your friend, Holly, is right in that Ash might need more time. We all deal with stuff differently. I know this sucks, but it takes awhile to build trust back up, and I guess Ash needs more time than others. I don’t know the extent of things, but if you haven’t, try apologizing to him in person. If he doesn’t want to, you need to tell him exactly how you feel, even if it’s over text. Let him know everything. Because you aren’t a bad person, and no matter how mad he is at you, he knows that, but he also deserves to know exactly how you feel and how sorry you are.
    Elm, you are absolutely amazing. You’re so kind and such a great person. You do not deserve to be hated. We all make mistakes, it is what it is.

    • I’m trying so hard to believe you, and I’m getting there. Thank you; those words were so encouraging. You’re a great person, too.
      I don’t think I could tell Ash everything, because I barely know him any more. He didn’t forgive me which is understandable, but I wish I didn’t deserve it so I could hate him. But I can’t.

      • I’m sorry that he didn’t forgive you today, but it’s not forever. If he really means a lot to you, or he did at one point, maybe what you need to do is start over. I’m sure it’s going to be hard as hell and he might be totally resistant at first, but if you say you don’t know him anymore, he might feel the same about you. Just start completely over. If he is still mad at you for whatever happened, then you breaking his trust was a big deal to him. On the flip side, that means he valued you and your trust a lot, so he obviously cared for you to some degree. He doesn’t hate you, Elm, he’s just mad. But he cared for you and that doesn’t go away.

      • No matter what you did, no matter what happened, you do not deserve to be hurt. Not at all. I love you to death, and it sucks to see you like this, but things will get so much better. It’s rough right now, but one huge step to Ash forgiving you is you forgiving yourself and trying not to focus on the pain. And maybe in the end, you guys won’t be friends, but that’s okay too. But whatever happened, neither of you deserve to be hurting.

      • I know you don’t believe it now, but the 600 something people following you know that you are the sweetest, kindest person in the world and you never ever deserve to feel down. We all make mistakes and we all deserve to have another chance.

  3. Well damn! I actually feel a little better after reading that haha. It’s good that you’re writing about your fuckups. I’m new to following you, and I don’t know what your end-game is for this blog, but I think it’s really awesome when someone can take a few minutes in the middle of an emotional shit-storm and type out a few thoughts about it. It’s raw, real, honest, and kind of beautiful in a way that it wouldn’t be even just outside of that moment.

    • You know what, that actually means the world to me. The fact that you’ve taken time out of your day to encourage me, when you’re new to following me, makes me so happy. Thank you, you amazing person.
      Haha, I have no idea what my end-game for this is either.

  4. Honestly? There isn’t a “perfect” solution to this because guilt isn’t easily erased. But you do deserve to be forgiven, everyone does.
    It just depends on other people’s abilities to see that.
    All I can offer right now is to be yourself and try to pick out a few good things every day.
    But Elm, you are a good person and I know that for a fact. Because you feel guilty, which shows that your intentions weren’t what they came out to be.

  5. Elm, you’re a good person. This is shown by how you have realised what you did was wrong, you should use this to look back on and you will learn from it. Don’t live in the past, we are in the present and you’re a good person. You should and will be forgiven. Xx

  6. Elm. Everybody deserves a chance at forgiveness. You’re a part of everybody, you know! I know the guilt will stick around for a while. And I know it’s taking a long time to build up trust with Ash. But you are getting there, even if it seems like this was a screwup. You tried. You let him know that you’re open to having another go, starting fresh and you let him know you’ll try to fix up your mistakes. It is kind of up to him to see the amazing person that you can be, and to forgive you and lend you a second chance, but I am so proud of you for trying. Sorry, that’s all I can say right now, but I hope it helps in some way. You’re a good person, Elm. How do I know? You feel guilty, you realise your mistakes, you try to fix them, you apoligse, and you never think highly enough of yourself. You’re pretty darn cool and amazing, but you (like everyone else) will make mistakes, and as long as you learn from them, they’re cool too. πŸ™‚

    • I bloody love you so much, Luna. Thank you. I just wish, sometimes, that it was easier – you know? I hate feeling like this.
      I’m trying to convince myself I’m a good person, and it’s working somewhat, but I still have a long way to go.

  7. Elm,
    You deserve forgiveness, because you have changed for the better and Ash should realize that. And if he doesn’t realize that, maybe he is the one that needs to change his heart. Everyone makes mistakes, we’re all human, no one is better than anyone else. You tried to fix your mistakes, now it’s his choice. Don’t let this make you feel guilty.
    As always, I’m praying for you and I love you. You’re beautiful, special, and absolutely wonderful. Don’t EVER let someone tell you you’re not.

  8. Aw, Elm!
    UGH. I just love you so dang much and it’s hard to see people treating you this way and you suffering. Everyone messes up. EVERYONE. Heck, I’ve messed up so bad lately with people and being selfish and just not giving a crap. A lot of people don’t realize it, but relationships take WORK. And a LOT of it.
    I know it’s cliche, but if he doesn’t want to continue a friendship with you, it’s his loss. You gave him a sufficient amount of time and did the right thing by reaching out to him. You’ve changed, and you should be proud of it, even if he’s not.
    I’m praying, wishing, hoping, and sending you the best of luck and love!
    xx, Sunny ❀

  9. Aww, please don’t blame yourself Elm. We all make mistakes. I know that myself, just because he isn’t ready to be friends again, doesn’t mean it will last forever. Obviously I don’t know the full story but I can tell you that he’s lost someone who truly regrets what they did and cares for him. His harsh words were wrong, you attempted to reach out and show him that you have changed, which anyone can see you have. Don’t worry too much about these rumours, we all get sucked in to talking about them and can sometimes even spread them without realising it. You’re strong and brave to have made yourself vulnerable to him like you did, asking to have a fresh start is difficult, especially when you’re still hurting and beating yourself up… Give him more time, he’ll come around in his own time

      • I know what you mean, but time heals everything, I’ve been in your position and I let the other person approach me but made it clear from day one it was all up to him. Just stay as strong as I know you are πŸ™‚

  10. Aw Elm I just want to give you a hug right now… I’m kind of new to your blog but I can kind of see where you’re coming from (seeing as you read my post about ex crush issues). It’s horrible to have situations like this and to screw up badly (I did and look at me today! Cringing and avoiding eye contact) but it will get better. There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. Even if that tunnel is extremely long. Jessie πŸ˜‰

  11. Elm. Stop. Look, I didn’t know who you were a year ago (or wordpress actually!) But I know you now. Well, I don’t know you but I feel like I do.. Do you get what I mean? And I know, that you would have never done anything to ruin anybody’s happiness on purpose. Holly is being so supportive, because she understands that you didn’t mean to make things bad – that you are sorry, and maybe a different person! I know that you are wonderful, and lovely, and so, so strong. And I’m sure that your friends will see that soon. As for Ash, well, heartbreak sucks, but if he doesn’t come around and realise who you really are then it’s his loss. You don’t deserve someone who can’t see the best in you. And if he does come around, then that’s a bonus! Keep going Elm. We’re all here for you! ❀

  12. You don’t deserve any of this okay, listen to us. Not everything’s meant to be perfect and sometimes things don’t go the way we want. Don’t blame yourself please you don’t need that pressure. I understand your hurting and you were so brave to try and engage with him but some things. I’m sorry this has had to happen to someone who’s so caring and wonderful as you but maybe one day things will come around. Stay strong and remain hopeful.

  13. Elm you don’t deserve anything bad to happen to you! Everyone in life makes mistaes, everyone regrest things that they have done, but at some point you are going to need to start accepting it and stop hating yourself, because you won’t get anywhere doing that. Obviously Ash isn’t ready to be friends yet, so you might need to give himm a little more space, no matter how hard it is. I know how hard it is to lose someone. Escpecially someone who meant so much to you, I have gone through it. What you need to realize though, is that everything hapens for a reason. Everything will work itself out in the end. And if he never comes back into your life, then obviously he wasn’t suposed to be in it in the first place. I know ti is hard right now. I know how much you wish you could take things back. i KN know how much you wish you could take things back and pretend like they never happened. It sucks. I know that. But, at some point you will get over it. You will stop being pained by him. And until that days comes, you are just going to have to accept the fact that you may have made some mistakes, but everyone does. You need to stop hating yourself, and start realizing what an incredible persn you are no matter if you said horrible thinns. It is hard, I know, but it is also just as hard for Ash as it is for you, so you need to know that some people get over things at different rates Me? I take a long time and Ash might too. So, you need to step back, and wait until he is ready. None of this means to sound harsh, i just wanted to give you my advice!

  14. Just breathe, everything will be okay. It may not be okay now, but think of all the best books and movies, during the middle the main character faces huge adversity, but they always get through it, and you will too. You are an awesome person πŸ™‚ writing about it all will definitely help you get out your emotions so that they don’t get pent up inside of you, but talking to people also does. Talk to someone close to you that you trust not to judge you, or call a helpline of some sort of you’d prefer someone you don’t know (whichever ones are around where you live) and talk it out with a professional πŸ™‚ but you WILL get through this okay? A tunnel always has two ends πŸ™‚ XO

  15. hey I know this is late, but I totally know what your going through and if you need to talk or anything, like I know you don’t know me or anything but still. Stay strong and remember there is a lot of people who care about you xx

  16. I’m going through the same hell, Elm. It’s a battle that has been waging in my mind, and I know that I am my own saviour. But, for f***ing things up, I don’t want to forgive myself and bring upon unhappiness unto me. It is difficult, but I think I am ready to forgive. If we can’t forgive ourselves, then who else would like to? Hope that helps, and that in time, you will forgive yourself, too. ❀
    PS: It is crazily creepy how our life events are so similar.

  17. I’m just reading this now, but everyone deserves to be forgiven. You weren’t dong anything on purpose (I assume), and so you didn’t know. There was no way you could have predicted what was going to happen, so to some extent you can’t blame yourself. Do you have a counselor or someone to physically talk to? That could definitely help. If not, we’re here for you and we won’t judge you. πŸ™‚

  18. after all this wonderful comments , I feel like mine would be irrelevant . I used to hate myself a lot too because I was horrible to my step mother after all she’s done for me . she always treated me like her own kid, bought me clothes and underwear and anthing I truly needed . And I wrote some horrible things about her when I was mad and that transformed my life forever . I appologized a lot but it didn’t matter because I fucked everything up like I always do . and I hated myself ever since I did that but It wasn’t doing anything for me . I finnaly had enought and decided to lay off myself a little . I’ve appologized and that’s all I could do and if she didn’t forgive me that’s all on her . I’m trying to learn to love myself again and forgive myself.
    I feel like yes , you shouldn’t have spread the rumors but you’re human and we all have a hard time breaking habits sometimes . It’s not something to stress too much about , you’re a really wonderful person and you could only choose to learn from your mistakes . You’re not a horrible person ! that’s insulting to me because you haven’t been anything but nice to me and that says a lot about your character . I been taking a liking in you so don’t hate yourself okay? you’re really great πŸ™‚
    I hope you fell better and I like how you choose to write this very personal post . not everything have to be sugar coated so this is brilliant πŸ™‚

  19. Dear Elm,

    This post was a little while ago so I don’t know how you’re feeling today. People are important, people make the universe and I know when you feel that you’ve hurt the ones you love it can tear you apar, but PLEASE everyone makes mistake Elm! Everyone says things when they’re angry, or upset, or confused. I have said some horrific things, but I don’t hate myself for it. You are a good person. In my life I have met so many people who thought they were horrible and worthless. I’ll talk about those people in a blog post one day… maybe. But do you know what? Those people were the best people I had ever met. Those people, just like you Elm, accepted their flaws and improved themselves. You are so kind. You put so many smiles on people’s faces everyday. I don’t know if you will read this, I hope so because I just want to tell you how much I care about you and everyone else does too. I don’t know everything about you but I know enough to tell you that you are being too hard on yourself. Talk to me if you feel sad Elm, I am always here for you.

    Lots of love,

    Alex

    • Alex,
      This made me feel unbelievably happy. The fact that you’d take the time to make me feel better makes my week. You are a wonderful person and I admire you and I consider you my friend, despite only knowing you a little while. Thank you for that.
      It’s tricky. That post, even if it was a while ago, applies to my feelings a little now. I STILL think about those things, which is bad, but I’m improving. I’m trying to get better, or a LITTLE better, so I can continue making more people happy, which means the world to me.
      Love from Elm πŸ™‚

      • See now I’m going to do the thing that you’ve just talked about in your last post when I’m like NO NO I’M A TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING DON’T LOOK AT ME I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO HELP YOU but no, I will say thank you so much because probably being called a nice person is the greatest compliment. I’m glad you’re starting to feel a little better, and I am glad I made you feel happy.

        love Alex x

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