Alright, heads up: this is a horrible post. I need to warn you in advance because right now, I’m in such a bad place and I’m going to be totally honest on this blog, including the messy parts, because I’m truly terrified.
I have fucked up. Totally. And I need to confess something.
Last Tuesday, I contacted Ash for the first time in 2 months, asking if we could start afresh. He didn’t reply. This is why I’ve been feeling so horrific for the past week, and I didn’t want to say anything because I never wanted to face up to it. Honestly, I told nobody apart from two friends and please, please don’t ask me about it. Perhaps later, but not now.
I don’t blame him for not replying. My friend Holly found out, and spoke to him about it today (I didn’t want her to).
At break, she said that he asked her why the hell he should talk to me when I exposed his privacy before. He’s right. He’s so fucking right.
Holly and I have been through a lot. Mainly me being a bitch last year – she was in love with Ash too. Long story short, I found out rumours, spread them like a stupid bitch, fucked things up between them, he hates me, she probably does, blah blah blah.
Last year, he split friends with me because of privacy issues. As in, me exposing his privacy too many times. I just looked over the texts between Holly and I that happened last year and I’m truly horrified at myself.
I hate myself. I genuinely think I’m an awful person. I said I wouldn’t do that again – spread rumours – but I did. At the time I just didn’t take it seriously because I’m awful, I’m awful, and he should never want to talk to me again.
I freaked out at break. I said everything was my fault, that I blamed myself, that I was horrible. At one point, I screamed “I’VE GIVEN HIM THREE FUCKING MONTHS TO GET HIS SHIT TOGETHER!” and Holly said he needed time and then the self-loathing started.
He forgave her because they’d “been through a lot together” and they just had to be friends, and they were good friends before. FUCKING TICK, TICK, TICK with me. WOW.
I do not deserve to be forgiven. Holly said that after I said it and she’s damn right. I FUCKED HER LIFE UP, and she’s being so supportive to me. She said that I was retaliating to what he’d done, but I was the one that fucked everything up.
What did he do? I won’t blame him. It is my fault; end of.
Again, I hate myself. I have no right to be forgiven and now, I know, tonight I’m going to get some messages that could say any of these:
“So you’re going to get Holly to fight your battles for you?”
“I don’t see why I should talk to you.”
“I hope you know that you’re petty and childish.”
I can’t do this. I can’t. I’m just realising what I did and I want to crawl out of my skin and leave my heart behind. I want people to hate me because that’s all I deserve, and I don’t care what anyone says about this. I’m awful.
It’s not even enough that I feel guilty. I’ll never make up for what I’ve done. Ever. And I just have to deal with that and lie in the ashes of the fire I caused.
I don’t hate him. I can’t deal with it if he hates me, even if I’m screaming that I deserve it. I do.
Red and Holly saw me freak out. I nearly cried and I hate crying in front of loads of people.
I’m done. I’m tired, and I hope I get what I deserve one day.
Sorry. I’m so sorry.