There are just some things in life, and some moments, where all you can do is grin, bare it and hang on for dear life because otherwise, you’ll fall and you’ll leave people behind. If you do those things, you’re as brave as you could ever be, and I know I want you to hold on for as long as you can – and not just hold on, but get up again and smile for real.
I wouldn’t say I’m grinning, but I’m baring it, and I’m holding on. It’s not all bad; I’ve got my friends on this blog and in real life that keep me together. I won’t pretend I’m all doom and gloom, because I have my days – like one recently – where I smiled for an hour and just felt so happy.
But then, I have my days where I just can’t. On Monday, in maths, I physically couldn’t work and I felt like there was a cloud smothering me and hanging around me; later on, I had an episode of “Oh shit I need to call Childline” which passed, and I didn’t call them in the end. I nearly did yesterday, but my mum came home.
The point is, I’m okay. I’m so sorry I haven’t posted in… Has it been a week? I feel terrible. I don’t know what to say – nothing so bad’s happened. I’ve just been feeling the lowest I’ve ever felt, and it’s terrifying.
My mum asked me this morning if I was happy. She wanted to know if I “had depression or anything?” I said of course I was happy, and no, I didn’t have depression. The second I’m positive I don’t have – the first, I’m not sure about. I’m not happy, but I’m not destructive.
“You need to tell me if you do, okay?”
I hate it when she’s like this in the mornings. Then again, I hate it when she’s like this whatsoever.
It sounds like, when I write it, she was being caring as any mother would. Perhaps she was. But I know, through her tone, that she’d either had a row with my sister or she was trying to be there for me. Fucking good luck with that, really. But nah, I won’t get into that unless you’re alright with reading it.
I’m going to try and blog more. If I can. If I’m up to it. I’ll do my best, but I can’t make any promises, even though I want to.
Thanks for sticking with me. If you ever want to talk, you can email me – firstname.lastname@example.org – add me on Kik – GemstoneEyes – or, if I know you, I can give you my skype. I’m always going to be here, no matter what; I’m not just a faceless figure behind a screen.
Thanks again, everyone! Bare with me whilst I drag myself back up again. There are days where I honestlyy think I’m really good, but then a day hits me where I’m not.
I need to just reiterate: I don’t have depression. That’s insulting to those that do, and I won’t ever say I’ve got something that’s not diagnosed.
From Elm 🙂