Alright, so is it possible to get REALLY STRONG FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE YOU MET ABOUT A WEEK AGO ON THE INTERNET?!
*claps* Oh, Elm, well done! You’ve done it again! Sigh.
… Let me explain, and explain many things. I’m a moron, so I haven’t been posting or reading blogs, and I have NO EXCUSE except these fucked-up feelings have sent me on a whirlwind. I’ll be honest with you guys; you deserve it, but I think you might judge me for this. OKAY, who am I kidding? You didn’t judge me when this happened the last time, but last time, I went OUT WITH THE GUY and he dumped me after 2 weeks. Okay, no negativity.
Breathe, Elm, breathe. I’ve missed using that name, actually. ARGH! Alright, here we go.
There is this app. On this app, you can set up a profile, put your location in, and talk to people around your area of the same age. I KNOW, GUYS! Risky, dangerous, weird, stalkerish, and did I mention dangerous? And weird? And risky?
I think I started using it regularly a little over a week ago, and in that time I made a good friend (the most sarcastic and amazing person you’ll ever meet), had run-ins with complete creeps which I blocked, and have talked to a lot of people I don’t like. But then again, I ALSO met… Hey, let’s call him Aspen. It’s a tree.
How the hell do I describe Aspen without you wondering how on earth I got feelings for him so quickly?
The first time Aspen and I talked, we didn’t talk much. It was your casual “Hey!” “Hi.” “How’re you?” “I’m good, you?” “Yeah, good!” conversation. But then, somehow, it developed into more interesting conversations: religion, astronomy, space, philosophy, Feminism, happiness – I don’t even know how we ended up progressing into one topic from another.
We’ve skyped, for hours at a time. I wasn’t willing to admit my feelings for him until we did. But you know what? Skyping him is as good, if not better, than talking to him via a message. Our conversations flow, and he’s my age – and he sounds it. That, I’m not worried about.
Three days ago, he trusted me with something. It’s VERY similar to the Ash situation – not the thing he trusted me with, but the exchange of personal things. And like with Ash, I will NEVER tell anyone. I was terrified, then, that I’d have feelings for him like I did Ash.
But with Aspen, the possibility of meeting up is SO close, because we don’t live far away from each other. YES, I know it’s dangerous. Let me explain.
Next Saturday, he’s having a birthday celebration at our local theme park with a few of his friends. And he invited me along – this was the day before yesterday – not thinking I’d say yes; it was a COMPLETE long shot. Except I did say yes. I have to say now that the messages we’ve exchanged are nice ones – not your average conversation; every time we speak we speak for ages about any topic, really.
“Skype conversations are good and all, but-”
“They’re not the same. I know what you mean, but hey, once we meet it won’t just be an internet thing any more.”
“Yeah, true that, and I really really want to go.”
“Just because I’m with my friends, and just because it’s my birthday, doesn’t mean you can’t tell me if something makes you uncomfortable. Okay? You can always voice your opinion.”
“Yeah, I know, and thanks.”
That’s how some of our conversations go.
I have a huge problem. Odd was going to come, but because of personal reasons, they can’t make it. Wren’s in Birmingham, Raven’s in Paris, Willow’s out with her friends and I have no one else I can go with – except Red, but he’s going to the same theme park for his drama group.
I want to go. I’ve spoken to one of his other friends, who’s ALSO on the app – we spoke independently of knowing it and then Aspen told me they were friends (I know they actually are because his friend was arranging to come round to his house yesterday).
The point is, I really want to go, because I want to feel happy. I’m going to try and ignore these stupid fucking feelings and think of him as a friend, because that’s the only thing I can do. But he’s the type of guy I could fall in love with. He’s the type of person I could have seriously strong feelings for, and it’s scaring me.
You’re probably thinking, “WHY? Why has she got feelings for him when they haven’t known each other for long? He could be a perverted, creepy bastard!” I know. I know. But I want to take the chance for once, because I want to be happy and not feel like everything I do when it comes to love is useless and stupid and POINTLESS. I want to feel normal, as awful as that is. Fact is, I’m blind (he knows this) and so I can’t go there on my own – I WOULDN’T, anyway, even if I could see.
I think I might tell my dad. My dad was okay with my relationship or friendship with Palm – my previous boyfriend – but I don’t know if he’ll be okay with Aspen. I just don’t want to have to feel like I’m a freak because I have to get people to help me.
I lied to him, though. I said I was meeting Red at the theme park, which isn’t TECHNICALLY a lie, and now I feel so horrifically guilty.
Thanks for reading. I promise I’ll read some of your guys’ blogs soon; I owe it to you.
From Elm 🙂