This is just a quick little post, because I physically can’t write any more than that.

Tomorrow is 13 October. On 13 October 2014, Ash – my previous best friend who never talks to me any more – trusted me with something and not shortly after, I realised I was in love with him. The thing he trusted me with was so personal and private that I promised NEVER to tell anyone, and I never have and never will. That’s the one promise I’m willing to keep – and who knows, it might be public knowledge by now.

The point is, this date is and was VERY significant to me. If you’ve read my blog in the past, you’ll be able to tell how screwed up I was – and sometimes still am – from the Ash situation, and how I think everything is my fault – it’s too complicated to summarise in one post. Fact is, a year ago tomorrow was when everything started: it was when our friendship became true and deep and real, and when we trusted each other for the first time, and when I felt something that I’m pretty sure was genuine love. If not then, then days later.

It was when I first felt truly appreciated by someone in the best way possible – in friendship, in trust, and it marked a MASSIVE turning point in my life. It’s difficult to describe just HOW significant that day is and was, but hopefully I’m doing a relatively good job. Before, I would look back on that day with a feeling of friendship and love and hope, but when everything went wrong – like now – I look back on it with sadness and a longing for what I had before. Does that make sense?

So, I won’t do well tomorrow. It’s not something I can prevent: I can’t stop the feelings if I think positively about it; if I could, I would. I would think happy thoughts and the bad ones would go, but I just can’t.

I guess I’m warning you guys, because whatever post there will be tomorrow won’t be happy. I have my history coursework, AND french lessons (Ash is in my class for that) and I don’t know how I’ll cope. I’m scared. I want to do well in my history – and like I said to Red, I think I’ll just blank my mind of him for those two hours, which is all I can manage.

Perhaps I’ll surprise myself – maybe a great thing will happen that will bring me out of my dark mood, but I don’t know; I’ve been dreading this for a very long time.

One year. And in that year, things went to shit. I regret none of it, but I miss the early days from about October to December. Can’t go back though, eh.

Thanks for sticking with me, and I’m sorry in advance for anything I post tomorrow because I doubt it’ll be pretty. Ash has affected me too much – hopefully, tomorrow, I WON’T be affected and I’ll just feel normal, but that’s the BEST case scenario. Hope for the best and plan for the worst.

From Elm 🙂