I was reading when I started to contemplate love, AGAIN, and that’s a rare thing for me, because I hardly ever sit myself down and truly THINK about it. Does that make ANY sense?
I’ve been in love once before, with Ash – my previous best friend who despises me now; it’s a long story. That feeling was the most terrifying and confusing emotion I have ever felt: it threw me into the waves, brought me high on a crest, spun me round and round and buffetted me until I was black and blue all over, and though it hurt it was the most exhillerating sensation. I KNEW when I was in love – and a year ago today, I was, and I can’t shake the feeling that’s ironic. Not IRONIC, but weird, and I’ll explain why.
You remember Aspen And if not, then just click on his name, and have a look at that post because I’m a lazy bastard – at least I have the motivation to do this post, damnit!
I am not in love with Aspen.
And that, guys, is what scares me – the “yet” part. Because these feelings have grown within TWO WEEKS of knowing him, not by my choice, and it’s NEVER a choice when I get feelings for someone, or how fast those feelings grow. I’m so scared that they’ll run away with me, sweep me along with them, and I can never do anything about them. Ignoring those feelings just makes me even more terrified.
He’s in Iceland until Monday on a geography trip, and our messages last night were lovely and made me realise how much I cared for this boy. I’m starting to think that he feels the same way about me, but this doubt is ALWAYS there, creeping into my mind, never letting me go.
All the clues point to it – Wren, Ashe, Red, EVERYONE has told me that – and I’m starting to believe it. I’m starting to think he DOES, and I can’t do that, because getting my hopes up just brings them crashing back down. I won’t think about that.
Wren said to me, in English, “It’s fucking obvious you think he’s into you!” And she’s right, actually. I DO, and I’m hoping, but is he “into me” because I’m a GIRL, or because I’m me?
I won’t dwell on it. I want to be happy, but I’m scared that I’ll get feelings too fast, or that he doesn’t feel like I do. I want things to go right, for BOTH of us, however that may be.
Thank you so much for reading. I guess I’m really happy right now, even if I have a mountain of homework to do.
From Elm 🙂