Okay, so it’s time I took a tumble. Or rather, it’s time my thoughts towards MYSELF took a nose dive. It hasn’t happened in a long time, and I’m irritated that this has cropped up now, but I need to deal with these feelings before they go out of hand.
For Halloween, I’m dressing up as… A Witch, or something to that effect. And because my sister is a stupid mental fucking bitch (I’m sorry it’s not her fault I’ll explain later), I don’t have a Halloween costume. So, I’m dressing in all black with a hat. Great, right? Nothing could go wrong.
Except I put on the clothes, and wanted my dad to take a picture so I could send it to someone I trust to ask if it was acceptable because I neither trust him nor myself. THAT’s when things went seriously wrong.
BECAUSE I CAN’T STAND STRAIGHT. I look like a twat. Nothing I do is right, nowhere I stand is right. I keep leaning forward or I just can’t look right and when I try to correct it, it looks worse. No pose I’m in makes me look comfortable, I’m ugly, I’m stupid, I will get laughed at, my posture’s terrible, my hair is disgusting, my clothes look awful…
Those were all thoughts running through my head about 5 minutes ago. We DIDN’T keep any of the pictures, because I was so angry I was nearly shouting and I had enough. It makes me want to scream now. I was truly horrified at myself and my inability to stand normally and feel normal and LOOK normal, because god knows I trust no one to tell me I’m pretty because I can’t tell if they’re right.
And, ugh, here we come with the “I’M BLIND” argument. CRAP, this is so attention-seeking, but it’s the truth. I can’t see my damn face. I can’t see how horrific I look. I feel like crying right now because I’m so so hopeless. I don’t want pity, and I wish these feelings hadn’t happened.
I hate these insecurities so much because I can’t do anything about them. It feels like they’re choking me, and I don’t want to return to that pathetic idiot who tries to impress people. That’s not how I am. These will pass, I know, but for now I can’t do a thing. I want to go back to not caring about my appearance but I CAN’T, because I’ll get offhand comments and laughter today and I can’t deal with it. I want to look normal without having to rely on other people to help me not look like a stupid loser.
My dad doesn’t understand. He doesn’t get why my voice is so listless and why I’m so unresponsive, and he doesn’t understand that my wrists feel weak and I want to rip the skin off my face and that I HATE returning to this state. It’s awful. I thought I was over this stupid “I feel disgusting!” bullshit!
I’m so done. Tonight, I’m going to have fun and I’m going to enjoy myself, but there will always be the lingering “EVERY SINGLE PERSON PROBABLY LOOKS AMAZING AND I DON’T!” spiel pouring through my mind. I can’t stop it. I just feel horrendous and like I’m worth nothing. I’m a disaster, basically.
Sorry, everyone. I need to get out. I don’t feel SO awful now; my wrists still feel weak and I feel there’s a cloud hanging over me, but I’m managing.
Thanks for reading! To new readers, I’m sorry – this isn’t me usually. I USED to be like this a lot more, but I’m being honest on my blog, so I need to explain this side of me, too.
From Elm 🙂