I Should be Asleep

But instead, I’m sitting here thinking about… I don’t even know.

I read over some of my old posts today. Perhaps that wasn’t the smartest idea – but do you ever get that nostalgic feeling? Where you know something will hurt you, but you want to remember?

I want to remember things. EVERYTHING. The pain I felt over Ash, the shock over my breakup with Palm, the agony I felt over Birch. In the wake of a fantastic day, I got hit with about a million insecurities at once, but that’s over now. That’s not why I’m writing this post.

I never have regrets – I think I said that at some point in an old post. But what I do is think: I think about what could have been. I think about what I’ve missed, what I’m missing and what I WILL miss. It’s cripling and unsettling and I hate it, but it’s me.

I worry. I’ll be honest, I worry too much, but it’s just something that is. Work, friends, school, blogging, love, the fact that my mother thinks it’s normal for me to stay at hers – I even worry about worrying, sometimes.

Looking back over my old posts, I’m a little horrified. Just look in the category called Not Very Happy Posts, and you’ll find everything you need. Go about to the second page of posts, and you’ll see what I mean. It’s messy and unpleasant, but it’s me, and I won’t hide it. (Warnings in advance if you get triggered)

I think the point of this post was just to say that I’m in a brewding mood. I have a huge revellation to make tomorrow – I think it’s good; you decide. I won’t give too much away.

I haven’t been blogging long, but I’ve built a place for myself here. There’re my tears, my happiness, my pain, my cries for help – also of it.

I’m proud of it.

And also a little sad.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

34 thoughts on “I Should be Asleep

      • Phew! *lets out a long breath* I don’t know, reading your post suddenly had me feeling like you were gonna leave (gods forbid it) and were planning to tell us about it. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ *takes a deep breath* It’s just that I… well, my life always has people around me leaving all of a sudden, and… well, never mind. Just… don’t leave, okay Elm? And if you ever decide to leave (again, gods forbid it), try not to be too sudden about it. Give the people around you some time to adjust to the idea. I know I’m probably making zero sense in this comment right now, and I’m sorry about that, but I just… hate it when people leave.

        Yeah, I sound so mature. *shakes head*

      • Hey you, I’d never leave. I’d never do that to you, okay? Also, want to talk about it? I know how it feels to be left without warning; it’s terrible ๐Ÿ˜ฆ
        Seriously. I would never leave you.

      • I’m fine now, Elm. I guess. There’s just this person who loves shattering me with her words. Of course, it’d be a bit easier for me if this person wasn’t someone I care so much for…

        I’m gonna post something on my blog soon; it won’t be too direct about anything, but maybe it’ll give you a vague idea of what/who I’m talking about.

      • The present her is, well, a crushing experience to be with. But what breaks my heart is the fact that this was not who she used to be. She’s changed — completely, and for the absolute worst. And it’s too much to take.

      • I know how that feels. Sometimes, people change and there’s nothing you can do. It crushes you and I KNOW it hurts, but the best you can do is cherish what you once had, but realise she’s different now. And changed.

      • People are always telling me that I should forget about her totally, that she’s not worth my time, that I should pretend that she never existed. But the fact remains: I KNOW that I should forget about her, I KNOW that she’s not worth my time, but that doesn’t stop that small part of me from caring about her, from looking out for her like it always has, from hoping that she’s still in there somewhere. And every time she shatters me, it’s a slap in the face to that part.

      • I know how that feels. But you can’t help caring; nobody can. But as awful as that is, treat those two parts of her as separate aspects.

  1. Elm, remember, every choice we make, we decide to make for a reason. And those choices lead to where we are supposed to go. Worrying is normal. I think this blog shows just how human you are, because we all have our ups and downs, insecurities and imperfections… And I also think that is why you have so many followers. We can all relate to what you have to say. I hope you feel better.
    Keelin

  2. Oh my god, I worry about worrying too! We’re a little crazy, huh? ๐Ÿ˜‰ I’m like, oh no worrying isn’t good but wait now I’m worrying about worrying whaaat? Anyways, it’s cool that you’re proud of everything even if it’s not happy, because all of the pain and sadness helped create the wonderful you. ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. You’re not alone… I do that sort of thing a lot… But mainly with the Regina situation… Every now and then I’ll read over old messages of her trying to get at me and just feel like ‘How did I never notice that she doesn’t like me’ etc…. I ended up deleting the screenshots that Penny sent me of the instagram chat because I just kept going back to them and it wasn’t doing me any good… There’s no point in thinking about what you could have been (I can’t say much myself) when you should be thinking about who you are. ๐Ÿ™‚ I just try and think that one day, I’ll know why all of this has happened, and you too. We’ll know what good things it brought in the long run and where it got us ๐Ÿ™‚ Okay I’ll stop now before I crowd up your comments ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. Hey Elm! I`m just like you, I think of what could have been if I did that and this, I think of things as I maybe wished they would have been, I guess? We all do that, we all think upon life and the many wonders when it comes to exactly that. You`re not cray cray, you`re not weird. You`re only a human and you`re allowed to stay up at nights sometimes and think about everything and nothing.

    You`re never alone, lovely girl. (Haha, first I said lonely. Oh My God)

    Take care of yooourself. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • You are amazing; never forget that ๐Ÿ™‚ With every comment like this, you lift my spirits, you always have. Keep on doing that, okay? And take pride in the fact that you’re one of the people that can make someone else feel like they’re not alone. Like they’re never alone.

  5. ohh, elm just out of curiosity, you know, how the post was worded, i thought you would quit blogging. ppleeaase dont!! We will all miss you!!! Even though now I think I am being extremely ridiculous!! And you are like one of my best blogging friends, and my 3rd follower!! Hows everyhting? Did you do anything cool for halloween? Cant wait to hear from you soon!!
    bye friendie!!
    mahjabeen

    • I WOULD NEVER EVER QUIT BLOGGING, ya idiot! ๐Ÿ˜€ Halloween was great, yup; I went to a party and YAS it was amazing! How was yours?
      From your friend Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

      • ohh, thats good!! Ididn’t really do much for halloween, except get up to proper banter with my cousins!!! Glad you had fun:)
        your friend,
        mahjabeen

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