I’m in my English lesson.
And I got a B plus in my homework. It was a past exam question, and I didn’t try hard enough. It makes me angry.
I’m HAPPY with the result. The result is great – if you GET that result in your homework, that’s brilliant.
Here we go with the arrogant spiel. Usually, I get A stars.
I’m not angry that I got a B plus. Well, I AM, but not because it’s a B plus. I’m angry because my grades are slipping.
I used to be able to think deeply and critically, and to UNDERSTAND what I was talking about.
If I usually got a B, I would be so upset if I got a D. If it was an A, I’d be upset if I got a C. It’s not the grade – it’s the difference.
This is happening in all my subjects. Music, which I used to enjoy so much? No. No motivation. History? I feel like I’m being stifled. Right now, every single lesson isn’t like the way it used to be, where I used to love learning.
And English? I LOVE English. And why, in this lesson, do I feel like there’s a cloud over me, like I can’t do anything?
It’s not the grades. Well, it IS – what’s more important to me is my lack of effort and motivation. I just… Don’t care, and that’s bad. That’s not how it should be, because I really want to do well in my GCSEs. That affects my grades. That affects my job, my career, my life.
I need to get my act together. But I can’t. Revision? God, HOW??!! How do I get the motivation to revise everything I know, for exams I can’t stand, for mocks I hate, for things that are USELESS? Why? Why can’t I just have motivation, and not sit here doing fuck all, listening to people around me talking intelligently?
I AM intelligent. I can deal with thinking that. But I’m just so worried, because it’s going to come to the mocks and I will have done fuck all revision unless I do something NOW, but what? Nothing works for me. Nothing I’ve done so far has picked my attitude up; that all disappeared last year. Why? Was it Ash, or everything – I don’t understand because now, I’m happy.
I want to do well. I can’t be talk and no action; I’ve got to do something. I’m worried. I don’t ever want to live on benefits or be in the percentage of disabled people who are unemployed. I CAN’T – I have to make my own money.
I’m so scared. I’m going to do something though; I HAVE to, because otherwise, everything will go downhill.
Whatever you do, do something to pick yourself up, okay? Don’t let yourself fall.
What do you think? I’m concerned, and all the anxiety and downright fear I have about the future is surfacing again, like it used to, like it hasn’t in a few months. I’m at the point of curling up and shivering in a ball, because I just don’t want to end up pathetic. I want to live.
From Elm 🙂
PS: The Announcement is coming up later today.