The State of Being Okay

There are some days that start off awfully, but then you realise: you know what? I’m alright.

As soon as I woke up today, I felt like everything was stifling me. There wasn’t any explanation – just a horrible, heavy feeling that wouldn’t bugger off until I got home from school. It got lighter during the day, but let’s just say the results weren’t pleasant.

I’ll admit something: I have horrible thoughts. They scare the shit out of me. The only thing that cheered me up today was having amazing conversations with Aspen, because he understands me on a level I can’t comprehend. Thank god for emotional ties to people.

It’s just… Today I was so scared. Sometimes, when I get like that, I write out my thoughts in long, rambling paragraphs, which end up becoming disjointed and terrifying. I do stupid things to myself (NOTHING SERIOUS please don’t worry) but the INTENTION is there, which isn’t good. I HAVE to do something about that, and soon, before things REALLY go to shit.

But I’m okay. That awful weight is gone – it might come back at some point soon, but I’m content with the fact that it’s gone NOW. I live for the moments of happiness and the moments where I can think clearly, without stressing or worrying.

You know what – if things get bad for you, make a list of what you live for. In fact, try doing that now, because I’m going to. It’s something that will tether me to the philosophy that people CAN love me, and that I’m not worthless and that there are still things worth left in this world that are worth it – this morning, I thought all of those were untrue and in English, I got to one of the lowest points of thought I’d ever got.

I live for:
The moments I can help my friends
When I laugh
When I feel happy
When I have days that just go perfectly
When I can make posts like these
You guys and your lovely words
When I have hope
My music and the satisfaction of writing things that mean something

You see? Originally, this was going to be a painful and horrible post, but I turned it around. It’s the best I can do in any situation, because I WANT to feel hope.

What do you live for? Maybe we’ve got things in common – it wouldn’t surprise me.

From Elm πŸ™‚

46 thoughts on “The State of Being Okay

  1. I live for all of the above. πŸ˜‰ And I totally understand writing down your feelings in weird paragraphs that sound like gibberish and doing stupid things.

  2. Hope is the best feeling in the world because it’s what drives us to be able to succeed and be happy. My counsellor/therapist/doctor/whatever you want to call her always made me write down the things that made me sad, anxious and angry and then make a list of the things that give me hope, that make me happy and that I enjoy. If I was able to get that list longer, then I knew I was in a state of being okay.

    • That’s a really fantastic thing to do, because it gives you hope. Have you ever tried making a diary where you write down 5 good things that have happened to you that day or 5 good feelings you got?
      Hope is beautiful. It’s the thing that keeps you functioning when you feel horrendous – whether that be hope for the future, hope for someone else or hope that you’ll be okay.

  3. When something is keeping me up at night, I always write it down on a whiteboard so I don’t forget it and if I find that it is written more than once, I do something about it. To be honest, I don’t know what I live for – I’m still trying to find it.

  4. it’s a great that you can find it inyour heart to be grateful. I wish you happiness and may you always have this state of mind .
    And I forgot to tell you , congrats on your relationship . And I’m glad he understand you like no one πŸ™‚

  5. I live for reading, listening to amazing music, my best friends, my parents and finally I live for spreading niceness. I’m so happy that you’re feeling better. πŸ™‚

  6. Hey! I am so sorry you had a day like this! I like all the things you listed too! Just remember you can always email me if you ever need ANYTHING! πŸ™‚

  7. I get what you meanπŸ’ž My thoughts really terrify me, I think back to the things I’ve done to myself and it terrifies me.. But this helps πŸ™‹πŸΌ I’m glad to know I’m not the only one, I would like to Thankyou πŸ˜„

  8. I live for the moments of happiness I have known, the moments of positive thinking I know, and for the years of joy I see ahead. Live for the moment Elm, and remember that when you’re in that dark place, and you remember the happy times, know that a happier time – a moment happier than your wildest dreams – will come. Live for that moment, and the one after that, and the one after that, and the one after that.

  9. Sometimes, my thoughts scare me but I don’t tell anyone. No one should know what I think.
    I live for happiness. But I feel like the main reason I live, is to see if I can succeed. If I can make it in the big, bad world. If I can’t I honestly don’t know what I would live for.

  10. I remember when things were like this for me… But as long as you keep pushing through like you always do (wow I’m a poet), then I promise things will get better. I’m glad to see you’re staying positive. πŸ™‚ I hope tomorrow is a better day.
    Keelin

  11. I live for all those things and of course the moments I see others smile or feel better because of me πŸ™‚ But seriously, music. Without music I’d probably lose it!

  12. I know I say this every five seconds: ELM! I LOVE YOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every single person loves you. You’re so far from worthless. In every single one of your posts you either inspire us or remain us what it’s like to feel and be human with your touching words. We need you, Elm! You. Are. Essential.
    -Nikki

  13. I guess I live for all the beautiful moments of life. And life itself. ’cause life has SO much teach us. Good and bad lessons to learn. So I guess while we’re here for the ride, we might as well make the most of it:)

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