There are some days that start off awfully, but then you realise: you know what? I’m alright.
As soon as I woke up today, I felt like everything was stifling me. There wasn’t any explanation – just a horrible, heavy feeling that wouldn’t bugger off until I got home from school. It got lighter during the day, but let’s just say the results weren’t pleasant.
I’ll admit something: I have horrible thoughts. They scare the shit out of me. The only thing that cheered me up today was having amazing conversations with Aspen, because he understands me on a level I can’t comprehend. Thank god for emotional ties to people.
It’s just… Today I was so scared. Sometimes, when I get like that, I write out my thoughts in long, rambling paragraphs, which end up becoming disjointed and terrifying. I do stupid things to myself (NOTHING SERIOUS please don’t worry) but the INTENTION is there, which isn’t good. I HAVE to do something about that, and soon, before things REALLY go to shit.
But I’m okay. That awful weight is gone – it might come back at some point soon, but I’m content with the fact that it’s gone NOW. I live for the moments of happiness and the moments where I can think clearly, without stressing or worrying.
You know what – if things get bad for you, make a list of what you live for. In fact, try doing that now, because I’m going to. It’s something that will tether me to the philosophy that people CAN love me, and that I’m not worthless and that there are still things worth left in this world that are worth it – this morning, I thought all of those were untrue and in English, I got to one of the lowest points of thought I’d ever got.
I live for:
The moments I can help my friends
When I laugh
When I feel happy
When I have days that just go perfectly
When I can make posts like these
You guys and your lovely words
When I have hope
My music and the satisfaction of writing things that mean something
You see? Originally, this was going to be a painful and horrible post, but I turned it around. It’s the best I can do in any situation, because I WANT to feel hope.
What do you live for? Maybe we’ve got things in common – it wouldn’t surprise me.
From Elm 🙂