TRIGGER FRICKING WARNING: Okay, don’t read this post if you’re affected by mentions of self-harm. Seriously. I won’t be in the least bit offended; I’d prefer it if you DIDN’T read it than if you felt awful afterwards.
Now is the time where I think I either need to call Childline or to get help because GODDAMN, I’m not giving up and I won’t let myself waste away.
I actually have no words to describe how horrendous today was.
After yesterday and the weird pleasantness of it, I wasn’t even EXPECTING today to be as awful as it was, but there you go.
I think there were several factors to it. Yesterday, I did something stupid: I looked back on the conversations I used to have with my ex-best friend Ash. I don’t know what was worse: the arguments or the lovely messages. But it made me feel freezing all over and so miserable that I could barely think. Luckily, I was talking to Aspen at the time, and he managed (just by being there) to stop my mind from truly messing up.
And today in biology, I didn’t understand the entirety of the work, which is ridiculous because I SHOULD have, but my mind hit a total roadblock. I couldn’t do anything. I just felt this pressure building in every part of me, and then a cloud of “FUCK THIS!” descended.
Stop reading now if you’re affected by self-harm.
And well, the mounting frustration and the pain I felt over Ash yesterday caused me to scratch at my wrists. Kind of badly. In the end it became almost hypnotic and I couldn’t stop, but I drew no blood. I was horrified then, and pulled my jumper down to hide it.
In English, I was so panicked and so scared of myself. My friend Holly had done something – told one of our friends that another of our friends liked them – and I thought she was going to tell other people she did that and so I snapped at her, and she freaked and I felt awful and she was angry at me (because I think that I was butting into other people’s business). I felt so awful that I had to show Wren my wrists, because to be honest, I only trust her with that part of me. She’s seen it before and I needed someone to tell me how bad it was.
Yeah. It was worse than I thought. They don’t hurt anymore but apparently I made a cut, and I explained to Wren, between working, a little bit of what happened. I felt so fragile and so horrified that I was just staring at nothing (I think) and my english teacher asked if I was okay, because he’s the only one out of the teachers who actually gives a proper shit about mental health.
I don’t want to be like this. I’m worried and angry and scared of myself. The only thing that cheered me up today was two of my friends (I didn’t even consider one of them a friend until today) randomly walked up to me at lunch and talked to me, when they often play football then. Kind of reminded me that I’m not a damn social outcast.
I need to do something. If not for myself then for you guys, because I know you don’t want me to be hurting. It’s the only thing motivating me to get this sorted. I CAN’T do this on my own, because climbing the wall to recovery sometimes takes more than one person, and I’m trying to be strong enough to admit that I’ll need the help.
It’s not serious. I WON’T pretend it is, because that’s bloody disrespectful. I’m just one person with a tiny problem, but I’ll have to fix that problem. I’m just worried I’ll snap worse before I do, but the thing is, I’m willing to try and make my mind okay again.
I had a serious conversation with Red at lunch, as well, about Ash. It didn’t contribute to the pain on my wrists because that damage had already been done, but I’m glad I spoke to him. I needed to get it out from yesterday.
Don’t worry, okay? I promise I’ll be fine at some point soon. You know me – something will happen to make me feel happy. It’s what I live for, after all. I just have my days and even though they’re getting more frequent (which scares me), I’m NEVER willing to give up the hope that I’ll be okay.
I’m not willing to lie down and scream for my life to end. I’m not willing to run round looking for attention as I would have done a year ago. I’m not willing to offload my problems onto ONE person like I’ve done before. I’m not willing to think I’m alone.
Because I’m not alone.
If you’re hurting, now, don’t lock it inside. Tell me, or post about it, or talk to friends. You’re just one person in a sea, and sometimes, you need someone to help you make the raft that will keep you afloat.
From Elm 🙂