I’m a bit selfish/whatever for posting this, but meh, I don’t hate myself for it – so DAMN, that’s an improvement.
Today, in maths and chemistry, I was so frustrated and angry with myself that I kind of wanted to break my own hand?
… Yup. I didn’t do anything; I bent my fingers back a bit but just enough so that it was a warning to myself. I won’t lie to any of you – it got kind of bad with the THOUGHTS, but I didn’t do anything much. I’m getting better. Thank god.
Well, my THOUGHTS were awful. I kind of considered actually breaking my own fingers, and then asked myself what was the point in NOT doing that, but it’s okay now. Still a bit shaky, but I’m okay.
I just… Ugh god.
I don’t know what I’m doing any more. And by that, I mean, I don’t understand my work.
In maths, I sat there the whole lesson, and I swear I only managed about 3 questions. I couldn’t visualise it and the teacher who always sits beside me didn’t understand, and said I should have a basic way to orientate myself around a CUBOID FOR GOD’s SAKE, and I just flipped out and I couldn’t do any work whatsoever. It’s difficult, because I SHOULD know all this by now, but my mind hit a roadblock and my wrists felt so weak, and by the end I had enough.
Chemistry was balancing equations, and like in maths, a haze descended where I couldn’t concentrate and everything was a blur of ‘I can’t do anything,’ ‘I’m going to fail everything.’
I need to just… Get better. Be better. Have more motivation.
I’m constantly terrified now; it’s a continuous stab of fear deep within me that I can’t throw away. I have so little motivation now that I want to crawl into a hole sometimes and wait for something to come along and destroy me, but that’s RIDICULOUS because I have so much to live for.
I don’t want to live on benefits. I want a job. I get told all the time that disabled people have a higher chance of living in poverty and I’m scared, GOD I’M SCARED, because I want to have a future and I don’t want to feel pathetic.
Maths and chemistry are two things, JUST TWO THINGS, but this is happening throughout my lessons. I just can’t. Part of me has given up on myself and ever achieving anything, but I NEED to achieve. I need to. I need to make my own fucking money but if I can’t even get the energy to revise for exams because I’m lazy as fuck, what does that tell me about my life?
I’m so scared. The job factor plays into it because I’m SO unindependent and I would do something about it but I’m too scared. I’m literally scared of not passing my GCSEs, A-levels, not getting into uni, failing at a job interview, living on benefits, living in poverty, death when I’ve achieved nothing. It’s something I can’t quell, and it’s impacting on my lessons and it’s like a horrible cycle that NEVER achieves it’s purpose.
I want to be better. I want to have that spark of learning and I want to understand and I want to be normal and not have to worry SO MUCH about jobs when I’m 15, but I can’t help it. It’s an ongoing fear and it shouldn’t be, and I should just concentrate on PASSING MY EXAMS and not wanting to actually die in the process.
It’s not serious. It’s not serious. It’s not serious. I bet I’m making this up. I’m going to fail. I’m GOING TO FAIL. I have too much negativity in my life and I wish I wasn’t like this and I wish I was like my friends where they HAVE THE MOTIVATION to do things, because I don’t.
I’m scared. I just want to be different and I want to get off my arse and stop being so, so lazy and disgusting.
The world made me terrified beyond all reasoning.
Sorry. I didn’t mean for this to turn out so terribly. I’m trying to be positive but I’m just so scared because I don’t understand my lessons and I’m gripped at random points throughout the day with this awful, awful fear that I never do anything about because I’m too “tired” which is just an excuse for laziness.
Are you guys all okay? I don’t mean to ruin your day; I hope I haven’t. My thoughts aren’t even going anywhere and there’s not much anyone can do, but I know you’ll support me. Thank you.
From Elm 🙂