I just emailed my english teacher.
I mean, it nearly reduced me to tears, but I needed to do it. I struggled over a homework that should have taken 20 minutes, and I couldn’t do it, when ordinarily I WOULD be able to.
I find it difficult to ask for help. I always have. It makes me feel selfish/worthless/useless – and I KNOW that’s ridiculous; I’m beginning to accept that it’s stupid. Whether it be help for homework, help with emotions, help on ANYTHING – I end up shaking and nearly crying and feeling weak, but it’s getting better.
The fear’s nearly choking me, but I’m getting better. I’ve GOT to ask for help. I can’t do this alone and damned if I’m letting myself waste away because of this. I’ve got so much to live for.
You know when you panic and feel so helpless that you feel hot and then cold all over? Yup.
I need to call Childline. I need to call them now.
Okay. I called. That actually helped so much. My voice shook so badly throughout, and I could barely think, but the woman was so nice and just talked shit through with me. About a minute before I called, I just thought that nobody actually cared etc etc, but now I’m realising they do. I’m nearly in tears but they’re half-good and half-bad tears and I’m okay. I’m getting BETTER.
Contacting my English teacher was a good idea. I get that now. And I talked EVERYTHING through with the Childline counsellor and I needed it. I still feel sick, but I needed that. And OH SHIT, I haven’t done my maths for tomorrow.
You know what, guys? Asking for help isn’t so bad. I’m panicking over my revision timetable and the fact that I haven’t prepared it, but I’m okay. I haven’t wanted to self-distruct for at least an hour and that’s such an improvement.
Help still scares me beyond thought. I need to accept that I need it, though. I’ve got to recover – and GOD, this isn’t even serious! Not at all! My problems are insignificant. Like, I’m so worried about my friend on top of my other worries, and I don’t think distracting myself with that worry is a good thing.
I’m okay. DAMNIT, I’m okay. I needed the childline call because otherwise, things would have got really bad. Aspen helped me so so much, but then shit got really bad after I stopped talking to him, and yeah. This post happened.
Thanks for reading, everyone. Thanks for always putting up with me.
From Elm 🙂