You SAY you do things, but you Don’t

Here we are again, on one of my messed-up posts. I’m going to try and make this as painless and non-attention-seeking as possible, because no one wants to read that, but it might get messy.

There are a LOT of things I hate about myself, and with many of them, my ex-best friend Ash helped to feel less awful. But a lot of them are coming back, or they never left, so that’s fucking GREAT.

What the hell is the use of a blog when I don’t care about my studies? Or rather, I DO care, but I just can’t be bothered to do anything. That’s the first one: laziness. I’m even too lazy to do anything about it. Well done, Elm! You’re so gonna fuck up your future. Have fun living without a job. Have fun not trying your best. Have fun when you’re getting your results and you wonder why you did so shit.

I hate my personality. I hate it. I’m in COMPLETE self-loathing mode and I had a near-psychotic breakdown earlier, and I’m in the process of having one again. I’m violent, aggressive and I never do a thing about it. Hahaha, SENSIBLE! Oh my god. I feel on the verge of breaking.

I hate how I feel selfish. It’s never usually this bad, but I have an acute sense of “YOU CAN’T TALK ABOUT YOURSELF FOCUS ON OTHER PEOPLE!” feeling. Yup. Before, it was VERY bad to the point where I couldn’t talk about myself without wanting to lock myself away in a room forever, and it’s not THAT bad now, but I still find it tricky when those feelings come.

I hate how I’m clingy, and I always talk about my problems, and I think that my feelings come before my studies which causes me to slack, which makes me an idiot. It’s a fact. I can’t stand how I make up things in my head to make excuses for how shit and unmotivated I am, to the point where I start to BELIEVE I’ve got something wrong with me. When, um, I DON’T; I’m just unmotivated and stupid. I DON’T have a problem with my mental health and it’s so damn disrespectful if I SAY I do. Because soon, this whole thing will pass and I’ll be okay again. Again, if I could be BOTHERED to do something about it, I would. Pity I don’t have the energy. I MEAN, pity I’m lazy.

I have such bad feelings that I’m alone right now that it’s terrifying me. I used to have abandonment issues which made me clingy and the only thing – one of the only things – I thank Ash for is making that a bit better. There’s no logical conclusion as to why I feel like this NOW, but hey, I’m me.

I just don’t want to be. I want to run away and oh GOD this post is horrendous. I wish, sometimes, I could crawl out of my skin and just get a new personality because who I am right now is so so so awful. I thought I’d grown up and learned from everything and that NOW, I’d be bothered to do something about revising and passing my exams. But no. I’m sat here, by my damn self, whinging and whining about how shitty my life is when it isn’t. It ISN’T SHITTY AT ALL!

I need to lighten up and stop taking things so seriously because this is pathetic. I wish people didn’t see me like this, because I’m doing nothing to make myself feel better. I bet, in my mind, I secretly want to be screwed up or something – NO NO that’s ridiculous.

Bloody hell. I can’t. stand myself. At all.

God, why did I write this? I’m sorry, everyone. I just feel hopeless when I shouldn’t and I’m doing nothing. I say I’ll change, but I won’t. I say I’ll start revising properly, but I DON’T. I just don’t take a thing seriously and that’s disgusting and I hate myself.

Do I? Do I really hate myself? When I have people telling me I’m amazing and great. and loyal and an inspiration and I help them?

Yeah. Yeah, I do hate myself. Probably. Knowing me, it’s made up in my head. I can’t talk to my school about this, because I know this whole situation is my fault. There ARE things I can do, I KNOW, but I’m so stupid that I just don’t bother.

For FUCK’S SAKE, Elm! I’m sick of myself. The only thing that is keeping me from truly despising myself totally is the fact that you guys seem to think I’m an okay person. Thank you for that, honestly. You’re great.

This is so awful and I’m BLOODY SORRY for making you read it. I hope it’s not getting old, but I NEEDED to get this all out. I said I’d be honest, didn’t I? Honesty means the bad parts, too, even if those parts are purposefully messed up by my own self. ARGH, nope.

If you got to the end of this, thank you. You are wonderful and thank you SO much for putting up with this.

It’s hypocritical of me to say this, but if you ever feel down, know that YOU are amazing. I’m going to try and get through this stupid lack of… Motivation, because I know that’s what I’d want YOU to do.

From Elm πŸ™‚

86 thoughts on “You SAY you do things, but you Don’t

    • Thank you so much πŸ™‚ I’ll try my best to be. I just get terrified that what I’m saying is getting old or is unimportant or. something, I’m guessing it’s an insecurity thing. I just don’t want people to think I’m ALWAYS like this or that I’m selfish or something? But seriously, Ritu, thank you for being here. You’re really inspiring to me πŸ™‚

      • If you can’t be honest here, among friends who follow you without judgement, where can you be?
        Seriously, if you feel the need to rant, just do it hun, after all, if someone doesn’t want to read, they’ll just scroll on, but at least its out of your system! ☺

  1. Aw this practically made me cry, it hurts me so much to know you feel this way. It’s so awful. Firstly you are NOT attention seeking or clingy or whatever else you said about yourself. To me, YOU ARE AMAZING. ABSOLUTELY BLOODY AMAZING. Be honest here. We don’t mind.

    • Em, thank you so so much πŸ™‚ Your words always brighten up my day. I TRY to be honest, but it’s so bloody difficult when I get scared people are going to get tired of my ramblings or whatever, but I KNOW that’s stupid because guys are wonderful.

  2. no no no no no no please don’t feel like this about yourself. I’ve known you for sooooo long and you are honestly one of the most amazing and genuine people I have been lucky enough to meet. If you ever did “crawl out of yourself” you would never find another personality that’s as real and unique as the one you’ve got.

    • I literally nearly cried at this; thank you so much. You are amazing. Your words mean the bloody world to me, especially because you’ve known me so long and you know what I’m like.

  3. I would be worried if you did’t notice that about yourself because there are people that don’t realize what kind of person they are and they never change what is “wrong”. You on the other hand, realize the things you don’t like and you are just like ‘hey, things need to change’ and they will with time. and I think that everyone has had this moment where everything that can possibly be despised about ones self, is. Atleast I have. Multiple times. xx

    • God, I’m so glad I’m not alone in this; THAT brings me comfort more than anything else. I just get so scared, you know? That all this self-hatred is made up and that I’m just a MASSIVE fraud, but I know that CAN’T be right because otherwise I wouldn’t be trying to convince myself that I DON’T hate myself. I mean it’s not working, but I’m managing; it will work in time.

  4. you need to stop apologising about this post. you can rant if you want, you can scream on here if you want. It’s your blog, DO WHAT YOU WANT! Seriously Elm, I read every word of this, and honestly, I wasn’t thinking all the way through reading it ‘wow, attention seeking bitch’. I was thinking ‘this girl is so damn honest, brave, and is just going through a tuff time’. Blogging is a way to release your feelings, and you should! About your personality, I feel like ranting about how you are beautiful, and I love your personality wouldn’t help (I do love your personality though, and you are equally beautiful), but I want to point something out to you.
    It’s okay to have mental breakdowns.
    Because it’s not easy keeping everything inside. It’s okay to hate yourself, because all you have to do is fight and get through it. And you WILL get through it. It will pass. These things don’t last forever, trust me.
    Don’t let the year 11 stress get to you. Take a few breathers, do something you enjoy, and try and be happy, try clearing your mind of any insecurities you have about yourself.

    This probably hasn’t helped, but remember, I am only a Skype away. And I am happy to listen πŸ™‚ xxx

    Sorry I typed too much ❀

    • CRYSTAL, it HAS helped. Your words always do. God, thank you so ucking much, you amazing girl. See what I mean – you’re SO mature and great and you are literally such a good friend.
      I think I DO need to take a breather, or a tiny break. Stress IS getting to me; you’re right. And I WILL get through it, or I’ll try my best. It’s tricky, though.

  5. Elm, you are one of the most lovely I know. You are brave, beautiful, and unique. Be you, and you will always be amazing! ❀

  6. You are a womderful, caring person. Theres no way you only care about yorself when I know you’be helped loads of people including me. I’m so sorry that its got to a point where you feel like this but its good that you’ve been able to let some of it out on your blog. I’m happy to read a million posts like this if it would help you.

  7. There are about a million people who’ve already said so many wonderful things, and I don’t think me paraphrasing and adding in a few fancy words as I love to do will really help you understand how amazing you are..
    So, I’m just going to ditto everything that all of these other awesome people have said.
    We all love you and your blogging. And personally I enjoy our fantastic, although often strange, comment banter.
    You’re so great, and to be honest I really admire you.

  8. You say you hate your personality? Then change it. Now I’m talking about all the little quirks, and the things you love or make you smile. But if you want to be someone that gas a specific quality, as long as that’s what would make you happy then be that person. If you want to better yourself, not be someone else, then that is STILL YOU. The you that wants to be better and rhe you that can be better.

  9. Elm, do you know how many times you’ve told me to never apologise for asking for help or getting my feelings out? A lot of times. And now I’m giving that advice back to you. Don’t apologise. And God your personality is beautiful. Even if you do have your bad days, we all do and we get through them together! You’re always first to encourage new bloggers, you write wonderful comments, and on your own blog you also seem like a fantabulous personality! You reflect and think about everything os much more than most people and I think that may be a small pat of why you might sometimes feel overwhelmed. We are here for you, everyone’s here for you. And if anyone was stupid enough to stop reading because you were feeling horrible then THEY’RE the one with issue, not you. THEY’RE the one with the loss. So please continue what you love.

    • I have no words for how encouraging you are, Luna. I’m starting to NOT hate myself so much. I’m not at the point where I’m okay with myself, but it’s getting better, I promise you that. You’re one of the ones who have helped me through everything.
      And I’ll try not to say sorry, but you know me – I can’t help it, haha!

      • Thank you so, so much, Elm. You know how much that means to me, right, to be able to help anyone, especially you. I’m happy to know I’ve helped in some way. πŸ™‚ It gets better slowly and sometimes you shuffle back a little, but like you said, it IS getting better, slowly but surely. πŸ™‚

      • And that’s REALLY thanks to you and everyone else. I want to repay you for what you’ve done for me, but I hope being here for you, ALWAYS, is enough.

  10. Awh Elm, sometimes it’s really difficult to keep yourself together and not breakdown and I think that’s what’s happening. I know that you’re very angry with yourself for not doing anything about everything but give yourself a break, you really can’t say that you hate your personality just because of not being committed to studying! Or because you’ve become aggressive because of the stress and pressure that you’re under. Remember that lovely post you once wrote about grades? How a C or even an A* does not define who you are? Just because you’re struggling with your studies doesn’t make you a terrible person nor does it mean that you’ve such a bad personality. You’re such a motivational and supportive person, so many people take you as an inspiration and they’ve got solid reasons! Don’t let your studies get in your way of enjoying life and being who you are, I’m sure that with just a bit of time managing and making studying schedules you’ll get control over things once again. Lots of love. πŸ’™

    • Bloody hell, I needed that. Zin, THANK YOU. You’re always the voice of reason in my head, and I admire you for that so much. I just think I need to calm down. Get things sorted out in my head. I still feel aggressive/scared when I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’ll try.
      Thanks you, AGAIN. YOU’RE the one who’s an inspiration.

      • You’re ALWAYS welcome, Elm! That’s how I feel whenever things get out of control for me, so I really do understand how it feels like. Just keep in mind that these things need to be sorted out so that you could feel peace, make treats for yourself! For example: Today I need to finish two chapters in this subject, I would then be able to have 2 hours of doing something that I love. I know this sounds funny and kiddish but trust me, sometimes we won’t follow the rules made by others but we’ll definitely follow the ones we make. I’m sure a lot of people have said the same but I really mean it when I say that you could always talk to me about anything that’s bothering you, I might not be the best when it comes to advising but I’ll be a listening ear and will respond for sure. Have a wonderful day, lovely. πŸ’™

      • I’ll take you up on that offer πŸ™‚ Thank you, Zin, and likewise – if you EVER need anything.
        I think I’m going to give myself a talking to, then set some personal rules.

  11. Awh elm! I promise you, you are the most brilliant, and amazing and truely inspiring person. Your such a talented writer, you’ve never met me yet I consider you my friend, because that is how you act. You’ve helped me through lots and now I’m going to return the favour. You are not pathetic or a bad person or any of those things you’ve just said about yourself. In fact your the opposite! Your strong and a wonderful human being. Your going to go so far in life I swear, you can do and be anything that you want in this world. Don’t let anything stop you from achieving your goals because you can do it, I believe in you and so does everyone else, all you now need to do is believe in yourself, and if you achieve that then you can be unstoppable. So there’s my hypocritical bit of daily motivation for you my lovely friend πŸ’• I truely hope you feel better because it honestly hurts for me to see you so down when your such a great person who deserves all the happiness in this world. I’m free to talk or have a Skype chat anytime you need me, honestly. I mean it xxx

    • Hannah, oh God, you are wonderful πŸ™‚ You know, I’m SO glad we’re friends because I know we’re always going to be here for each other. Whatever you need, whenever, I’m here. Thank you for helping me to believe in myself just that little bit more.

  12. You are absolutely AMAZBALLS!!!!!!!!!! You are not attention seeking! You are just expressing yourself and getting all you feelings out and there is nothing wrong with that! ❀

  13. You’re great. That might sound empty, I don’t know, but I mean it. And I know what you mean about the selfish thing–you’re not by the way, evryone needs to let it and they have the right to–and the studies thing. I feel like I went way off track too. But hopefully its not too late–for me or for you.
    And let it out, you’re not being self-centred or narcissistic, this is YOUR blog, its for YOU.

  14. No Elm! You are fab-u-lous! I’m not gonna tell you to stop hating yourself because that’s not helpful at all, but what I will say, is that NO ONE HERE HATES YOU. And you seem like such a lovely person so I can bet that no one outside of the blogosphere hates you either. We love you xx

  15. Wow, your honesty is so encouraging. I imagine it must be so hard for you to admit those things about yourself even to strangers (well, I imagine some are friends, but I’m new here). Just keep looking for motivation and never forget that you chose how you face the world! You have the power to chose between getting up or just keeping your eyes on the ground. So maybe tomorrow, try to chose looking at the sky, and just smile! (it’s a bit poetic, but I mean it). Good luck, Sol.

  16. ELM! You’re bloody fabulous, okay? Honestly. Bloody fabulous. Your honesty on your blog has always been a huge inspiration to me, and at times has given me the confidence that it’s okay for me to talk about my feelings on my blog. So please don’t change, and don’t don’t feel like you’re being self-centered. Your words have helped me on many an occasion. And on the personality front, if your personality isn’t good enough, the rest of us have absolutely no chance! XX

  17. Hey elm, this is the first time i m reading your blog & i m glad i did , for its so raw & true .insecurities are annoying , it all works out in the end .as we realise , accept , its half the distance on the journey to know its baseless & you’re not the only one who feels this way.
    Music or novels help a ton.

    • Hi,
      Thank you so much for your advice! I’m listening to music right now, and it helps, because that and your words make me realise I’m NOT alone. πŸ™‚

  18. You shouldn’t think these things! Your amazing and your blogs always inspire me so much-I wish I could write like you! Your absolutely awesome-you don’t need to change anything! xx

  19. You don’t need to apologise for this post, Elm. You can do SHATEVER you want on this blog because it’s yours.
    Laziness, self-loathing, selfishness? Hmm..they all sound familiar to me. What you need to know I’d that you’re NOT AT ALL alone. Your moods are so much like mine. If it gives you any solace then let me just tell you, I am the WORST person when it comes to my aggression and temper. I have horrible anger issues and most of the time, they gate out of hand and during that time, I am SOO FULL of self-loathing. I hate myselffor being such a horrible person to my parents.
    You just don’t worry about it, okay? You Re FRICKIN AMAZING and honestly, just give yourself a round of applause for being this amazing human being you are.

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