“Do you think you’re in love, Elm?”
“I… Yes. Again, yes.”
“What about the feelings you had for Ash – are the ones with Aspen stronger?”
“I’m not sure – they’re VERY different, but they’re the same strength if you think about it like that. If not stronger.”
“Yeah, but I think THIS one is better, because you had a LOT of self-hatred last time.”
“Yup. I won’t lie to you – I was in love with Ash; I’m not denying it. I mean he’s a dick and he made me feel awful but…”
“He unintentionally messed you up really badly and hurt you. I mean, Elm, you were at rock bottom and now you seem so much happier.”
“Yeah, I am. Don’t want to ever go back to that.”
That was a paraphrased conversation I had with Wren this lunch when we were queuing to get food. Before that, we’d discussed some topics that were bloody mature, which of course lead onto the topic of love. More was said, but I can’t really remember it – that was the gist.
I shouldn’t really be writing now because it’s late and I’m more or less incoherent and I hit self-loathing mode earlier, but I’m managing. I want to talk about something that makes me HAPPY.
I don’t think you can ever compare two feelings of love, or the feelings you get for two people. So, I won’t. I’ll just lay out the facts.
Ash let me experience the most wonderful friendship I’ve ever had. He trusted me. He was a lovely person and made me feel okay about myself when I wanted to just crawl away and never come back. I’ll always thank him for that.
But he hurt me. He hurt me so badly and I’m still recovering. I thought I’d be permanently screwed up and that I’d never be able to feel for someone like I did Ash. I was WRONG, and right, but mostly wrong.
Because, um, Aspen happened. Here we go with the sentimentality. Sorry about this, but this is what you get when I write at quarter to eleven.
Sometimes you get feelings that just overpower you in the best way, and you want to hold them forever. I don’t know how to explain this.
Aspen has shown me, indirectly, that I’m not totally screwed up. I CAN feel love again. I’m worth something – err yeah, I’m slowly getting convinced.
Every single damn time I have a breakdown and feel so sick I can’t actually do a thing, he’s there for me, which makes me feel RATHER guilty but there you go. He reminds me of all my good qualities and even some I didn’t know existed within me. Every time we talk, there’s a mix of humour and talking about “deep shit” – I don’t know how to say it, but I’m still surprised whenever he says “I love you”.
I wish I could talk about this better. He means more to me than I could ever have imagined and part of me doesn’t understand how I got this lucky, after the MONTHS and MONTHS of freakouts and breakdowns over Ash where I felt like my whole world had flipped over. Aspen knows about it and he can tell how bad it gets sometimes, which I thank him for. I thank him for a LOT of things.
It probably seems odd that I CONSTANTLY talk about Ash, but he was a huge part of my life and I can’t change that. He still affects me, but less so, because I have someone who can help me get through the worst of the pain. Me, thinking I was SO mature, thought I knew what love felt like when I fell in love with Ash, but that was only the surface of it. My feelings for Ash are as valid as the ones for Aspen, but they’re so different and Aspen doesn’t and HASN’T caused me confusion and pain and hasn’t broken my heart. Ash has done all of those, which is why the feelings were so different.
I won’t say either are BETTER feelings, but I’m so much more happy now than I was. I can honestly say that YEAH, I’m in love for the second time and I’m not scared of it like I was before. I CAN feel these things and it’s okay and I’m not betraying my memory of Ash. I never went out with Ash, but it still stands.
Where did this post go? I’m not sure. I’m rambling about my feelings, but I’m happy about it.
Don’t ever think you can’t feel something again, because you CAN. I’ll be here to convince you of that, along with your friends and anyone else who will listen. You’re not alone and it might hurt right now, but trust me, you WILL get through it. It’s patronising of me to say, but it’s true. Don’t give up on yourself.
I literally thought my world had crumbled when I realised I wasn’t in love with Ash any more. It was the worst feeling – or close to it – I have experienced in a very long time. But it taught me something, as everything with Aspen is teaching me something: it might look shitty now, but if I don’t get through it, I might never know what I could have missed.
I feel like this post could have been better. Soon, I’ll expand on my feelings MORE, because I didn’t really do a very good job here.
Hope this wasn’t too sentimental. for you, OR for me. I’ll probably look back on this and cringe.
From Elm 🙂