I’m in year 11 and at the end of this year, we get a yearbook. In that yearbook, we’ve got a list of who’s most likely to do things – be a model, be a dictator, have the nicest personality, that sort of thing.
We filled out our sheets for the nominations today, and it made me realise how much I don’t know my year, and how little I talk to people.
As in, seriously. I couldn’t think of anyone for some of the things, and there are 300 people in our year. Here are the ones I struggled with.
Friends with everyone
Best friends forever
It’s really, really sad. I don’t know the people in the year apart from my friends. I mean, recently, I’ve started to branch out a bit more, but if you ask me who’s well liked in our year, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. I don’t get that camaraderie with the people in the yeargroup – I wish I did, because everyone else seems to. But well, I just don’t.
I can laugh at a joke someone says, but not be the one telling it. I’m not popular at all – and I don’t care, really I don’t. It’s better for me that way. Our friendship group’s closed off, if you think about it; we don’t mix with other people. Usually, that’s fine.
But I’m sad. I’ve missed out on so many opportunities to talk to some great people – in class today, people were throwing around names and I just thought, “God, I’ve never spoken to these people.” I felt overwhelmed and confused, because EVERYONE seemed to know a common answer and I was sat there thinking that I had no idea. And the ones I DID say, the person helping me to fill out the sheet thought were weird, when I understood them.
Really, I shouldn’t complain. People like Birch and Cedar and Cedar’s best friend know me for how I actually am – or close enough. I can think of people who I don’t hang out with in the playground, but who have spoken to me and don’t think I’m some reclusive moron. People who have spoken to me that are outside my friendship group, who I speak to, are the ones that I get confused about. I judged so many people in the past and that’s REALLY bad.
Again, I’m just a little upset. I wish I’d got to know my year more. I wish I’d spoken to people more – I spoke to this girl on the stairs earlier, randomly, but it wasn’t comfortable. I’m being more open, and I KNOW it’s not too late to make more friends or just make an active effort to be nice, but part of me thinks “What’s the point?”
I’m staying on for sixth form, but loads of people aren’t. And I don’t want to be the one set in her ways and I WANT to talk to more people. I wish I knew how, because I’m awkward and unindependent as fuck and I WISH I wasn’t, because then I could walk the halls freely and just walk around talking to people if that’s what I WANTED. Technically, nothing’s stopping me now, but I have no idea what people think of me on the OUTSIDE because I can’t see their faces, and they know that.
Wishing and wanting gets me nowhere. I SHOULD do something, but I don’t know what. I feel like it’s too late, like if I make an effort now, I’ll just get laughed at because social groups have already been established.
It’s sad. It shouldn’t be, but it is. It’s not that I’m excluded – I just don’t really make an effort to INCLUDE myself in the year’s happenings. I don’t even know who’s in a relationship within the year, or what happened at that party on Saturday I don’t go to – Birch said it was partly good and partly bad and he was acting nice and talking to me normally, not like I was some antisocial idiot, which was good. Even though he’s changed a LOT, but no matter. Making friends with him in year 10 – friends? Are we even friends; I don’t know? – showed me I COULD branch out and talk to people, even if our friendship was circumstancial as we sit next to each other in history.
For you guys, it’s not too late. Talk to someone you wouldn’t ordinarily chat to. It’s scary as hell, but give it a go. Don’t act like I do; I see my year as separated when everyone else sees it as interconnected. Does that make sense? WELL, some people see it as separated, but I feel like I’m the minority. ARGH, I’m rambling.
I hope this has made you think a little bit, because I’ve thought whilst writing. I STILL feel rather sad and EVEN a bit ashamed, which is RIDICULOUS. What’s done is done and all I can do now is just be nice to as many people as possible.
From Elm 🙂