URGHNNNHHHGGGRRR I have NOT had a good day! SIGH. Just calm, Elm.

Yeah. In physics I felt goddamned excluded and I don’t know why – I focused on learning but felt just so incredibly miserable because I didn’t understand it, had to get the teacher to help me and felt awful because my VI helper TA person (blind thing urgh c’est compliquΓ©) sitting next to me so I couldn’t talk to anyone and when I tried – butting into a conversation – this boy told me I wasn’t even included and then laughed in a joking way but it hurt like hell and argh.I STILL don’t understand the work and nearly cried in the middle of it and my lovely Physics teacher knew I wasn’t okay but she didn’t ask too much, she just KNEW, which was good because otherwise I really would have burst into tears.

I have a test tomorrow and I need to revise for it and I feel sick, because I haven’t revised much yet. I got a maths past paper I have to do for next week and if I don’t do it NOW I’ll do it at the last minute, and I have to think through my history coursework – you know what? Screw that; I have enough notes that I can plan it a little tonight and just write tomorrow.

So, I’m stressed, and I’m angry; nothing knew – but it’s not a self-loathing anger. I just feel a little sad.

Because I was bored, I messaged Palm saying “Hii” – Palm’s my ex-boyfriend who I went out with for two weeks in the summer. PSH. I’m not sure why I did that, because as much as he’s a nice person, we don’t really speak. Ever. And he’ll probably end up reading this and he’s just sent me a voice message and urgh…. This is ACTUALLY stressing me out for no good reason.

Not sure if I mentioned this, but now – on Thursdays (not on Tuesdays thank God) Ash sits directly behind me in French and I felt sick because he was actually here today. Goddamnit, I STILL can’t hate him even though I try, because of that knowledge I have that he DID appreciate my friendship. BASTARD. SOOOO immature, Elm!

I’m tired. REALLY tired. Whenever anyone asks me if I’m okay, my response is always “Yeah, I’m just tired.” That’s true, but not the whole truth. I shouldn’t lie.

The thing that’s keeping me together is that on Saturday, I’m having my birthday party and Aspen is going to meet all my school friends and it will be amazing. Less than two days to go – and the people there are my close friends, and I’m so happy that there are ones there that I would never have confided in last year. It shows you how friendships can grow.

Has your day been okay? Like I said yesterday, I started the Kik group and it’s going really well so far! I went a little hyper yesterday because of it.

From Elm πŸ™‚

23 thoughts on “He Sits BEHIND ME

  1. AWWW ELM! Okay, stop and breatheee. In and out. Now scream a little bit and get your frustration out. Now breath again (probably should’ve done that first, thinking about it). Now get yourself some chocolate or tea or whatever your comfort food/drink is (or the closest thing available) and put your favourite music on. Make a list and a rough timetable. Maybe have a short break. Now give the homework another go.

    IT’LL ALL BE OKAY I PROMISE EVERYONE FEELS LIKE THAT SOMETIMES. and also yay birthday party happy birthdayyy!!! Have fun and eat lots of cake, parties with your favourite people are the best thing ever. And good luck introducing Aspen to your friends. I’m doing something like that at new years eve with my school friends and music friends which I’m excited about, yay! Good luck, and remember I’m here to chat if you want πŸ™‚

  2. I totally understand how your day has been…It sounds very familiar to me. But just relax and don’t overthink about what’s going on around you bcoz trust me, its never that complicated (you’ll see this at the end of it all). By the way, if you need someone to talk to, please feel free to message me. I somehow feel like we could talk about so much. But anyway, please take it slow… You WILL be alright in the end. πŸ™‚ ❀

  3. I know a little too much about exclusion . I feel that way all the time , even with my friends . I’m sorry you’re stressed. You’re going to get trough it , you strong person you πŸ™‚ and happy early birthday ! I hope you get everything you want at the party and have fun πŸ™‚

  4. I went out with this boy for two weeks in the summer too but of course, it ended badly. He doesn’t talk to me either and completely ignores me at school. Don’t worry! You can always get help and save your maths test for later πŸ™‚

  5. Math is a subject that remains a mystery in my world. But do not fear, if I can pass, you can pass! And don’t let that boy get to you, I think all of this tricky business was stacking up on your shoulders and his snarky comment just knocked you over… Breath (eat chocolate ice cream) and just do your homework. Then you cargo to sleep. Sleep=answer to everything.

    • Exactly. I think you’re right – it’s just tricky to remember that. But honestly, your words are amazing. I’ll TRY and not let him get to me, because it does me no favours if I do.

  6. Every day can never be perfect, and a group of days sometimes makes up A Series of Unfortunate Events. Keep your head up Elm, because every day is a new day, and with new days come new beginnings, chances and opportunities to open more doors. And what may not seem like an open door today, might be a door wide open tomorrow, next week, next month or even next year; you wait and see XXX

    • Argh, thank you so so much πŸ™‚ I’m honestly going to copy that quote down, because it’s amazing. Well, that WHOLE COMMENT. I just need to realise which doors are open.

  7. Sorry you’re feeling so stressed 😦 just try to relax a little and get enough sleep. and try hard at the homework. Good luck with your test as well! Every day you get through counts toward something better. πŸ™‚

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