Err, well then. That title’s too long and just…
I’m not sure how this post is going to turn out. Whether it’s going to be a manic freakout or thoughtful or whatever – so just warning you in advance, but I’m going to write it and see where it takes me.
I am extremely harsh on myself.
I’ll give a little example. In an argument, the last person I blame is the person who hurt me. In a test, when I have to mark it myself, I will literally never give myself full marks – not even ONE off full marks – even when I KNOW I deserve it. I think I’m being arrogant. I think I’m being selfish. It’s just something that is, but I’m TRYING to work on it.
I’m not sure why I’m writing this now. Things only got terrible inside my head in maths, when I didn’t understand something and everything built up. I know miss was going to ask me if I was okay, and I would have said no, because it’s true. I’m not. I WASN’T then – I’m a little better now, but to be honest, I think I’ve just been pretending to be alright recently. Again, it’s something I need to work on.
I’m really tired, and the thing is, I’m sleeping reasonably well. That’s not the issue. The work, my laziness, my inability to do it – that’s what makes me tired. Everybody else is doing loads of work, and I’m sat here doing NOTHING. It makes me angry to the point of self-loathing.
But back to my original point. I’m so harsh on myself that I don’t even see the good qualities I KNOW I have, that I’ve been told countless times I’ve got. People say I’m loyal, lovely, friendly, helpful, beautiful, amazing, but I just CAN’T believe them because if I do, I tell myself that’s too good – WAY too good – and I’m being too nice to myself. Which is SO FUCKING STUPID.
Whenever I get into an argument with my mum, I blame myself. I think I’m CONSTANTLY the one in the wrong – and when I don’t, I hate myself for thinking I’m right. When there are sides to an argument, I get it into my head that MY side is always the wrong one.
You know what? I don’t understand it. It irritates me, because I’m never giving myself credit. Even when I’m writing this post, I’m thinking it’s pointless and that I’m just an attention-seeker with no purpose, and that I SHOULD be doing work otherwise I’m going to fail everything.
I think my message to myself is just to calm the fuck down. I have a concentrated hatred for myself that won’t bugger off, but if I write down one positive thing about me every day, then maybe I’ll start to believe that I’m not a terrible person. Maybe I ALREADY believe it, but I’m just pretending I don’t. ARGH, see what I mean?!
I hope you don’t mind reading that. It’s just a thought process and didn’t turn as self destructive as I thought it would. Thank god.
Oh, fuck. Fucking shit oh my god.
No, no, no!
Okay NO. NO. CALM DOWN.
My dad just called me and said a present had arrived, presumably for my birthday, and that it was from S. If you don’t know who that is… Hmm… Look at have a look at this. There’s not much there, and we NEVER talk any more, but I feel so guilty and I actually can’t do this. Oh god. I’m SUCH A MANIPULATIVE BITCH! I have zero feelings for him – that’s NOT THE POINT – the point is that I screwed with his feelings jesus christ…
Alright. I’m going to post more about the S thing tomorrow to explain why I’m feeling so horrendously guilty. I feel ill and oh my god. For now, I’m just going to… Sleep. No, do homework. I have history coursework tomorrow and I feel vaguely ill and I’ve overworked myself.
I think I need to be so much nicer to myself. It’s getting… Tiresome.
From Elm 🙂