Trigger warning for mentions of self-harm; this is a hopeful post, though. If you ever feel how I felt, you’re not going through this alone if I have anything to say about it.
A huge part of me wants to blank out what happened today, but a small part of me just wants to remember and scream and cry and let those emotions out.
The large part of me wants to forget the uselessness of how I felt in physics. It wants to forget the violent anger I had at my teaching assistant, when she hadn’t had time to adapt work for me because of my crappy eyesight. It wants to forget that even though it wasn’t her fault, I felt miserable and felt like crying and yelling at her and THAT’s why I was so upset; it wants to forget that the teacher said I should ask my parents for help over the holidays when they don’t understand that’s tricky. It wants to forget that I felt choked and scared and that I could barely do any work, that I felt so frustrated because everybody else understood it, that I was shaking like a leaf with the dawning horror that I am failing at this. It wants to forget that I sat there, for 10 minutes at least, doing nothing because I had literally nobody to talk to and I was too terrified to speak to anyone even if I wanted to.
It needs to forget that I wanted to wrap my hands around my throat and squeeze until I choked, that I applied pressure to the front of my neck so that I felt short of breath, as a PREVENTATIVE measure. It needs to forget that I wanted to break my wrist, my hand, that I bent my fingers back to try and stop myself. It needs to forget that in maths and then physics, my wrists felt weak and I hated everyone and everything, but most of all myself; it needs to forget that I wanted to scream until my throat caught on fire and twist my wrists so hard they snapped.
But you know what, Elm?
Wanting and needing doesn’t always get. You try to forget, and you do it again. You forget and you can’t be strong from it.
If you knock down those foundations, however weak they are, you can’t EVER build on them and make them better. Your house is going to collapse; you’re going to fall over. It’s how it works.
GET UP, Elm. You’re stronger than this.
The small part of me is thinking that if it cries, it will go psychotic, but it’s better than blanking it out. Blanking it means it’ll come back MUCH worse next time.
So, I’ll cry, when I need to. I’ll put my hands behind my back and let the tears fall, WITHOUT going mental on myself. It’s how I calmed down last time. I may still hate myself, but damned if I’m letting anything happen to me, because I know you guys don’t want that. You’ve shown me, time and time again, that you care.
You’ve got two extremes: forgetting about it totally, and remembering it so much that it does damage. I’ve always had difficulty balancing those two, but I’m trying. Now, I just need to collect my thoughts: I’m truly scared because I didn’t understand the work today and I had some pretty bad thoughts, but you know, that’s what happens sometimes.
If you’re going through something similar to this, or you blame yourself for ANYTHING, know that you can always talk to me or anyone else you trust. I don’t care WHAT your story is, what you’ve been through – I’ll ALWAYS listen and not judge you, because I have no right.
Today was a lesson for me. Hopefully, I’ll learn from it.
I need to listen to the smaller part of myself.
From Elm 🙂