I’m not in the mood to write this kind of post, but EH, screw it. It’ll be short because I’m tired and I’m SUPPOSED to be sleeping (Rebel I know).
I know my dad’s worried about me, because he asked me if I was sad today. I said I was alright, that I’d manage, that I was just tired – but I KNOW he knew there was something up. He distracted me from it, which helped a little.
But, this is weird. I don’t KNOW what’s up. Or rather, I do, but it’s too stupid to explain.
Today, I cried over Ash for the first time in a very long time. I was speaking aloud, to try and get my thoughts in order, and I just… Cried. Ash was my ex-best friend,and I know I go on about him a LOT, but I can’t help it.
A year ago, Ash was everything to me. How am I supposed to erase that part of my life? I’m not ashamed of it – just so, so sad. That was a beautiful friendship for three months, then it went to shit and carried on going downhill. I’m half glad it’s over because he’s horrible now, but I miss the old Ash.
For now, I’m going to stop thinking about him. It’s safer, because that empty space I seem to have inside of me just feels hollow. Usually, I’d want myself to think about it, but not now. It’s not needed.
Is THAT why I’m upset? Perhaps. Maybe it’s because my sister’s having one of her bad days. I haven’t explained about her, but I’m too scared in case my dad finds out. I heard she was sad, so I got sad, then got angry for feeling sad, I also felt sad because I snapped and was rude to my mother and didn’t talk at dinner. THAT was just horrible of me.
Hmm, I’m alright. I’m not sad any more – missing old friendships, confused and trying to calm down my nasty temper I ALWAYS seem to get at the slightest provication, but I’m okay.
See what I mean – this post is short, and disjointed and jumbled, but I’m so fucking tired. I’ve got no right to be sad, and I’m NOT sad, but I think I need sleep. I’ll write WAY more coherently tomorrow.
Dad just came into my room, saw I hadn’t got changed, and I know he thinks I’m lazy/hopeless. It kind of makes me disgusted, though I’m too tired to hate myself right now.
Thanks for reading, everyone. How was your day – I feel like I’m ALWAYS talking about mine.