I’m exhausted and shouldn’t be writing a post and why does the top of my arm ache a LOT? Argh.
Today, I felt really bloody miserable – this was about an hour ago. And so, I wrote what I call an ‘inner blog post’, talking to myself about how I feel. It’s a good way for me to realise what my thoughts are, and to get them out if they’re WAY too messy to go on a post on here.
Usually, I write them when I’ve had a breakdown, and I feel self-destructive and violent towards myself. In the ‘posts’, I often rant at myself, calling myself a ‘fucking idiot’ or such things. All in all, I beat myself up.
EXCEPT TODAY, I DIDN’T. I wrote it in second person, calmly (mostly calmly anyway) talking it through, and telling myself that I HAVE learnt from the situations I was talking about. The ‘post’ isn’t finished, but I’m going to leave it as it is, because otherwise I would have just rambled on and ON.
And it’s okay to be proud of myself for this. It might not seem much to you, because it wouldn’t to me if I had no idea of the context, but if I Ever show you guys any of the ‘posts’, you’ll understand me when I say it’s not pretty at all. It’s horrible. This one, though? I can read it without crying.
The ‘post’ was on the Ash situation. As in ASH, who I’ve cried over multiple times – who, whenever I talk about him, makes me WANT to cry. But I didn’t and I don’t want to and I’M OKAY. After 6 awful months, I’m OKAY with it. Not good, but okay. GOD.
Maybe I’ll show you it tomorrow, if you want to read it.
When you achieve something, no matter how small, be proud of yourself. You deserve to be, especially if it’s something you did for yourself and something you just felt happy with. THAT’s more important than anything else. So remember: don’t just think, “This was bloody insignificant and I shouldn’t be talking about it.” Think, “This is GOOD, and I will be okay, one step at a time.”
From Elm 🙂