I’m scheduling this post because I’m an absolute REBEL.
It is L‘s birthday. AND my birthday.
I’m 16 years old. WHAT THE HELL I’m 16 YEARS OF AGE.
I don’t often care, or even bother mentioning, that I’m shocked I’m still alive and ONLY with vision loss. I SHOULD have more problems. This girl, who’s a few years older than me, was born 16 weeks – or maybe a bit less – early, and her internal organs don’t really work. I’m blind. That’s it. And I’m so fucking thankful for that, but just WHY?
Survival rate was low when I was a baby. I was in an incubator for ages. BUT SURVIVING FOR ME WASN’T SOME MIRACLE. I just did. I just am, and that’s all there is to it.
People say I should be lucky that I’m alive. Maybe they’re right, but I’m NOT lucky. I just am. I’m here, I’m alive, and it’s not something to be celebrated. Yeah, I had a high chance of dying or developing other problems. Maybe I still WILL develop those.
It might seem weird that I’m so nonchelant about it, but I’ve never really had to think about the fact that I’m still here. It was NEVER an issue, never raised as one, never really celebrated except when my parents got emotional.
But for now? I’m living. I’m breathing. It’s not ASTONISHING – it just is. That’s how I often describe my life.
I’m not some inspiration. I’m just a human, a 16-year-old human in this messed-up world who’s trying to get by as well as any other human. I’m ME.
I guess I’ve never had an overappreciation for life. Life’s what it is, but now I’m starting to realise what living really is. I’m not philosophical about it; I don’t go round telling people they should live while they can and be thankful for life, because hell knows that it’ll make no difference – people live their lives how they want.
I want you to know that I’m just me. Whatever happens, I’m me. It strikes me as strange that I’m still here, still alive, but then I realise it’s just something that is. I may have been BORN 16 weeks early, but now I’m just me.
Thanks so much for reading. I don’t say it enough. You KNOW how deep-thinking I get at this time of night; it gets especially strong when I’m contemplating life and death and everything in between.
From Elm 🙂