So, throughout my day, I planned to write an absolutely furious post on this topic, because I was really really angry. My friend Robin, who left today and stayed over for 2 nights, understood me and had a chat to me about it, and so did Robin’s mum, so I’m more calm now – still pissed off a little, though, at the SUBJECT rather than the SITUATION. ARGH, let me explain.
I’m blind, but SERIOUSLY, it should not excuse this whatsoever. I’ve got no independence.
I can’t do the most basic things. Cooking? HAHAHAHAHAHA! Walking around by myself, getting trains, getting busses, being ABLE to go places on my own without having to clutch someone’s arm? OH, forget it. And THAT is what pisses me off.
My friend Robin goes to a college for the blind. We were out today, in London, and she discussed with me and my mother about me coming to visit her. That involves going on a train by myself, but really, I could most likely manage it. My mum thinks I can’t, and YEAH, she might be right now, but I can learn.
It honestly upsets me that I haven’t been independent. When I was younger, people did things for me, which means that NOW, I can’t do the basic things other people – BLIND OR NOT – can. That’s no one’s fault, but then my mum turns around and says I won’t be able to manage it. Poor little blind, helpless, unindependent Elm can’t go on a train by herself, when her friends Robin and L can! She didn’t SAY that, but I know that’s what she’s thinking. I KNOW we’re going to have an argument later, but obviously, I’ll be so angry and she doesn’t understand that it’s not at her, but rather that she can’t and won’t get the anger at MYSELF.
Robin’s mum understood. She said that I should go and talk to my mobility officer (person who helps me move around and learn ways to get to new places) but my mum had already suggested it. I’ve got to show her I CAN do this, but seeming as she’s sheltered me for so long, I don’t know HOW. It’s kind of my fault too, because I never bothered to TRY and learn ways to get to places – well done, Elm.
I don’t have the manic anger I had earlier. I just wish I could do more things, because it’s kind of pathetic how I am now. It’s not my mum’s fault, but I wish things had turned out differently. I find it easier to learn things from my dad, because he knows when I get angry, it’s frustration at MYSELF rather than him.
I’ve put off thinking about this, and now – in the midst of revision and thinking I’m going to fail – I get THIS as well?
I haven’t read blogs today and I feel a little guilty. I don’t think I can, not now. I just feel upset because I’m me and I have to rely on OTHER people to help me, when everyone else can do shit and it’s no excuse that I can’t.
Wishing gets you nowhere, I suppose. It just hurts. I hate doing these posts because they never go anywhere.
How are you doing, anyway? It’s nearly back to school time, which is going to go crappily, but we’ll deal.
From Elm 🙂