SCREW that title.
I’m feeling oddly bitter today, and synnical and also unloveable/unaffectionate, if that makes sense. Prepare for a lengthy post that will just go round in circles. WOOOOO 😀
I feel quite sick. Not physically but emotionally, like something’s crawling through my insides or clenching the emotional part of my heart. That makes no sense, but I guess I just feel ill with myself. And guess what? I don’t bloody know why.
I think I’m frustrated at people, and how people think. It all started when my friend Holly told me that one of our friends “wants to experience the feeling of having your heart broken.” She understood how ridiculous that was and then I went on a tiny rant, but I couldn’t rant to her even though she knew what had happened. Actually, I don’t even know what happened; I only remember feeling my world flip upside down as I grew the hell up. I thought I’d grown up before, but I was wrong; I did childish things even in May but THEN I grew up. Goddamnit.
Heartbreak teaches you things, guys. It helps you in a way. But you know – you DON’T WANT to feel it. Why would you put yourself through that? It seems poetic when you haven’t gone through it, like it’s some sort of journey, but it isn’t. THAT’s why I’m bitter, because now I’m remembering things that weren’t even serious.
When you’ve had your heart smashed, left at the side of the road, kicked and put through a blender, you end up feeling sick when you remember it all, ESPECIALLY when the person didn’t even know they broke your heart. It’s sad when I think on it now, REALLY sad, because I haven’t grown up yet. We never will; we’ve still got lessons to learn and we’re going to get hurt and the fear of that ALSO makes me feel ill. It’s how life works – how WE work, and we just have to live with it and take it as it comes.
Where the hell is this post going? I don’t know. I’m irritated because people just don’t understand, but neither do I; I don’t often understand the things my friends go through. The heartbreak thing – it’s bothering me. One of my friends seems to think that love can fix everything, but it can’t.
Love’s an emotion, carried by humans with HUMAN emotions. It’s not infallible, because WE’RE the ones feeling it. Love’s not some magical thing, because it just is; heartbreak isn’t an adventure, because even though you learn from it, you want to scream and cry and burn things when it’s happening.
I’ve got the best boyfriend I could ever ask for, for god’s sake, but for some reason I’m unhappy right now. Like I’m twisted or something, or my heart’s gone on holiday for a while. I’m not sure where this all stemmed from, because by ALL logic, I’m happy. I’m content and I’m NOT considering my first heartbreak or feeling cynical about everything, or getting angry at people who don’t understand even though that’s hypocritical of me. But I AM feeling those things.
Is it okay to have bad days? Is it alright to feel as though those shitty “wounds” that my heart decided to have opened again, for NO reason. I’m not all that upset about Ash right now, just sad because I’m hurting. That’s weird, right?
Sorry, it just occurred to me that you guys will be reading this, but that doesn’t bother me. I’ve learned that it’s okay to post this because who’s judging me? I need to let it out. I’m scared to tell my friends because I don’t want to ruin their evening with something worthless, old, not important enough to be mentioned because IT’s OVER.
I still feel bitter and sick and my heart’s thumping rapidly, but why? WHY am I not okay, and why now? ARGH. Rationally, this is stupid, but your heart isn’t rational.
Are you all okay? I miss reading your blogs.
From Elm 🙂