I’m done. Absolutely, fucking, irrevocably done.
I’m sitting in French, next to Fern and next to her is Willow. Willow was (IS?) one of my best friends and I trust Fern. And literally all I know is that I hate myself.
Elm: Heyy Fern?
Elm: I, urm, was talking to Holly when she sent you a particular message…?
Fern: Fuck’s sake.
Elm: Well what do you think of her?
Fern: Oh nothing you’ll just tell her anyway. (She didn’t say that in a mean way, just stating a fact).
Elm: Oh okay.
I’m sick with myself because it’s probably true. I spread rumours, all the time, spreading spreading spreading until BANG some shit happens, then I go weeping to my friends like a pathetic fuck.
How can I act like a good friend when I’m KNOWN for doing things like this? For talking to someone, then telling someone about it, over and over? I did it to Ash, Holly, Fern, even RED for god’s sake.
I most likely feel so shit because Fern and Willow are talking and I feel left out. Everyone is laughing around me and I’m sitting here moping with my ears burning and my eyes feeling like they’re going to spill over and it’s DAMN WELL PITIFUL. Ash is in this room and I talked about him with Holly too. God I feel like crying. God god god god
I am DISGUSTING. I am unhinged. What shit I did in the past is catching up to me AGAIN, all the rumours I unknowingly spread and all the stupid things I did.
I thought this was behind me. I thought I could go on trying to be nice to people and helping people but there’s a thin line between that and being A FUCKING RUMOUR-MONGER and crossing the line is something I’ve done. Hahaha good job.
So this is what people think of me now, right? Elm, the rumour-spreading can’t-keep-a-secret BITCH? Shit, and they’d be right. They’d be so damn right. And at least I can admit it, but now I hate myself so much that I want to scream.
I’m jealous of friendships and I want to punch someone and I’m hurting and I HATE writing those posts!
Why did I say anything? WHY do I think it’s okay to say things like this, to talk to someone and juggle friendships and pretend people are my friends and go behind their backs and be horrible and BE ME?! WHY am I so argumentative and upset by this?
I’m really sorry. I just feel so sick because the image of myself I KNEW is shattered. I’m not known as the kind one; I’m known as the backstabbing one. People WILL NOT trust me because I always do this.
I feel shitty now because helping Holly out meant that Fern no longer trusts me. Nothing I can do about it because my past reputation – which HA, isn’t even much in the past because I STILL DO IT – is screwing me over.
Crap, do I deserve this?
God I’m so sorry, I just need to get this out. I haven’t written a violent post like this in a while, but I truly can’t stand me. Fern and Willow are still talking and I’m miserable and bitter at how things have changed.
I’m a stupid fuck. I should accept things and move on but it hurts and every friend I’ve lost leaves a hurt in me and I can’t pretend to be nice any more because I am not. Even though I try to be, I’m not and I’m angry and jealous because of the friendship Willow and Fern share.
Well Fern just talked to me normally and I honestly don’t know what to do any more. Melodramatic, I know.
From Elm 🙂