I’m going to talk about something that I have talked about, constantly, for the last… Hmm, 9 months? You’re probably sick of it.

Ash got excluded today for beating someone up. A guy took his hockey stick after PE, apparently (heard this from someone else), he asked him to give it back, the guy didn’t, and he punched him right in the face.

Yup, this is the Ash that I fell in love with before, who I talked about in this post, way back then, and in EVERY SINGLE subsequent post, there’s been something negative, something relating to pain. In that first post, I described him as the kindest person you’ll ever meet, someone who you can trust and trusts you back. Because THEN – and not even then, 4 months before that – he was that to me.

And now, this is the Ash that is a drug addict. The one who is failing most of his classes. The one who messed me up so badly, even if it WAS my fault; the one who beat someone up and not just SOMEONE, but multiple someone’s.

I’m horrified. I’m absolutely horrified; I’ve been in a state of pain all day, ever since I found out; it’s sort of numb. He’s so far removed from the guy I used to know, used to fucking LOVE, that it hurts. Where did it go? What happened? WHY is he physically hurting people?

I was in love with that boy. THAT boy. Except, I guess he wasn’t who he is now, if that makes sense? It’s still a shock to the system, though.

I don’t think people quite understand. People who know me will ask WHY I was in love with him, even though he was horrible, even though he’s now gone off the rails even more than I would have expected. Even though he hurt me, and it took me three or more months AFTER that to stop loving him, in about June last year.

God, it’s horrible to remember. I’ve not thought about this properly for a very long time, really considered everything. I realise now that it was a poisonous thing, only bringing me down, but it doesn’t make it less real. I grew the hell up through it, realised that people can be awful.

THESE are the reasons why I fell in love with him. Why, even for his flaws – and I KNEW them, as sure as I knew his good qualities. When you love someone, you don’t ignore the flaws, you just know they’re there because nobody’s damn well perfect. And that’s why I’m in love with Aspen and it’s not damaging, like Ash was.

He helped me. He trusted me. He KNEW what friendship was like, and he could talk to me without treating me like a moron. He was kind, considerate, and he UNDERSTOOD why I felt like shit, and talked it through with me. The one thing I can hold onto is that our friendship WASN’T fake, and in the times he helped me, he genuinely meant it.

I knew him, and there were things I understood about him that other people didn’t; I wish I could say I was boasting about that but the point is, he TRUSTED me. And then he broke my heart, not his fault though.

It’s funny. When you’re dwelling on something, it takes logic out of it. You second guess yourself, looking back on a time long gone and wondering what the fuck happened. THEN, you realise:

Oh god, I’m so glad I got out of that. I know I’m not the cause for what’s going on with him now, but maybe the shit I did – though not SERIOUS – was just another nail in his “coffin”. That makes me feel sick, and so I know that if he ever contacted me again, I’d shut him out. I’ll adopt his philosophy: once I trust, the trust is absolute but once it’s broken, there are rarely second chances.

Now he’s how he is, and though I can safely say I think he’s a pretty terrible person, I still get… Well, it’s not a loyalty I have to him, but rather a CONCERN. I used to be friends with him, and he was a bastard, and people don’t get why I WAS friends with him when everybody else thought he was horrible. There’s got to be a reason as to why he’s like this, something serious – are there still vestiges of the old him left?

As cruel as this is, and as much as I’m shaking violently whilst writing this, I don’t care if there is.

Sorry for writing all that. You probably will be VERY confused, but this is just a way to get my thoughts out. I’ve had almost a year of locked in hurt, but I’m alright. There might be more Ash posts over the next few months, as it starts getting into the year-since-everything-went-to-hell crap.

Thanks again for, well, reading. You’re great.

From Elm ๐Ÿ™‚

50 thoughts on “Looking On, HORRIFIED

  1. Sometimes when you like someone you can become blind to who they really are and fall in love with the person you want them to be, I think I’m guilty of doing that ๐Ÿ˜ฆ At least you have Aspen though! ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Although I could probably never fully relate to this, I do see where your coming from. There was a boy that I used to be friends with for a while that was literally the sweetest person, to me at least, but recently he’s been going down hill. The police were called to break up a fight where knives were being used, and he was there, involved. Honestly, it scares the shit out of me because although I want him to stay in my life, I don’t want people who do things like that around either.
    This doesn’t confuse me at all ๐Ÿ™‚ x

    • I’m so glad you do understand, because you DO, even if you think you don’t. The fact that you’ve been through similar shows me that you KNOW the emotions and it’s painful. It scares me HOW much people change.

      • Yes, I feel like everyone else is changing but I’m not, although I probably am and I just don’t notice it. Either way it scares me too.

  3. I’m so sorry! But it’s a good thing you have Aspen, right?

    I have a friend who once dated this one guy. Then the guy broke up with her, but he changed her forever. She kept thinking and complaining about him. Over the time she got better, but not completely “healed.” She kept telling me she was done with him, but later shed talk about him again. Then one day, he hurt her ex-friend, and even though it was her ex-friend it placed a hate along with the love she had for him. Then today, he said something to her and one of her friends told him that if he talked to her again, she would beat him up. Now I’m glad, cuz my friend can now stay away from that guy and heal quicker. She’s glad too.

    Sorry, this is about you not about my friend’s ex-bf

  4. Toxic relationships can make you wonder why you ever liked or even loved that person. I’ve been in a kind of similar situation too, but I am so glad I’m out of that situation now. You’ll keep thinking about Ash and keep wondering about the past and the present and that’s totally fine. Writing about this is good. The only thing you need to remember is that you are in a better place now without him in your life and that he’ll always be a part of your past but not a part of your present of future. You deserve better xx

    • YES, exactly. That’s such a good thing to say, and it’s true. He was part my life, and NOW he’s not. Now’s what matters. I just need to remember that, and not feel sad whenever I think of him. I’ll get there. Thank you so much for that comment ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. Even though I’ve never been in a situation like this myself, I’ve had a friend who dated a guy for about 9 months and at the time she thought he was perfect, but he was horrible in the way that he, being 16 and much older than her then, got her mixed up in drugs & alcohol, which was so irresponsible. Obviously this didn’t happen to you, but I guess people are are not always who they seem. People change and the world changes and you change to and I’m glad you have found Aspen, who I hope makes you happy as you deserve to be. I’m sorry I wasn’t very helpful, I just always want to talk to you because you deserve all the love in the world. I’m sorry Ash was so horrible to you and I feel he is a true product of the society we live in. Take care and lot’s of love,

    Alex x

    • Alex, you ALWAYS help me, no matter what. Your comments just cheer me up because it shows me people ARE here, and people DO understand or are willing to understand. Thank you. Ash is very much a stereotype now; it makes me sad because a year ago he was kind – still flawed as hell – but not violent. Never violent. And yes, he’s a product of society.

  6. That really, really sucks. I think I kind of get at where you’re going- it’s awful to see someone you were friends with (not even necessarily in love with, though that totally exemplifies it all) and cared for just…go downhill. I have a friend who I’ve been friends with since about second or third grade, so it’s been nearly 7 years, and she’s gotten so rude and degrading and just a crappy person since then. It really sucks. I’m sorry.

    • And I’m sorry for what YOU went through; that is so terrible. It breaks my heart when friends become like that, no matter what from.

  7. Ugh, that sucks! I know exactly what you mean (I think…) you love someone, they hurt you, but then there is still this connection between you and you feel awful when something happens to them or they do something to you. One of my really close friends is dating a guy right now, and he is not the right guy for her. She is a little Christian girl, going through her teenage years, and he is a drug-addicted guy who does a lot of stuff that she isn’t comfortable with. I keep telling her to break up with him, but she still says that she loves him. I’m sorry you two both have to go through this crap.

    • Oh my GOODNESS, that’s awful! ๐Ÿ˜ฆ She should never do things she doesn’t want to do. ARGH. And yeah, I’m so happy you understand me; it’s heartbreaking and sad but I’ll always “care”, in a way, deep down. It’s almost an unconscious reaction.

  8. I feel for you elm . Trust me I do but I also want you to consider that get might he going through something bad that’s making him act like that and we are not our mistakes. I know he broke your heart and for that I’m sorry. Because your are a wonderful person but I just want you to not judge him too quick because there might be a reason he’s acting like he is. I want you to know that I’m not coming at you in any disrespectful way nor do I agree with what he’s doing but I just want you to see him acting out in a different way .
    Maybe should not have said . This because I Don’t really know happened between you guys in real life . I’m sorry if I disappointed you.

  9. Ah. This sucks, to be honest. People change and sometimes those changes aren’t so good. I’m sorry you have to watch him changing so fast and turning into such a different person but I definitely understand what you mean when you say that you still worry about him and stuff. It’s okay to still care. But try not to dwell on the topic. It’ll only cause you more pain, so even if it’s hard try your best at it (yup so cliche). PS you’re awesome.

  10. Oh my god Elm, did you look into my mind or something? Because reading this post, I felt like you’ve just written out my own thoughts and feelings. That whole part about feeling that concern for a person whom you don’t even recognise anymore? I know all about it. When your BEST FRIEND — with whom you had the STRONGEST BOND EVER — when that person changes so drastically you feel like the person you knew is gone, far away, it just hurts so bad. So, so bad. You feel like something precious was taken away from you without you even knowing about it. And then, even when that person hurts you or others around you, when that person keeps going more and more down the wrong path, you still have this… weird kind of hope, you know? You just can’t let go. You just can’t stop LOOKING OUT for that person, even though you want to — god, you SO want to. You wish you could do something, ANYTHING about it, but you CAN’T and that makes you feel like the most. helpless. person. EVER. And it hurts you and makes you feel this weird kind of heartache and makes you ask yourself why you even care, even though deep down you already know the answer to that.

    Yeah. I know all about it.

    • I can tell. My god, you’ve just summarised it. Put it into words. All the hurt I feel, ALL OF IT, you know. You understand. God, you’re amazing.

      • Guess how I know? Guess with whom I had this experience? My EARLIEST best friend. The one with whom I spent my entire childhood. The one who I thought would remain in my life forever. The one who I thought would remain my best friend forever. Ha. See how wonderfully THAT turned out.

        Every time I think of her, I just want to laugh and cry at the same time. It hurts. God, it hurts.

      • I know, and it’s so painful, but you’re managing. I know you are. Friends come and they go and they leave scars and pain, but they heal. It HURTS LIKE HELL when someone so close changes, leaves, just GOES.

      • Sigh. How depressing, isn’t it? I think what makes it all the more painful for me is that she’s mixed in with EVERY SINGLE childhood memory of mine. Wherever she went, I went. Wherever I went, she went. Whatever memories I have — at school, at home, road trips… All the damn memories have her in them. Laughter and pranks and being utter idiots like the kids we were. She went, and in doing that, she tainted all that with bitterness. She just took all the happiness from my childhood and turned it into a horrible, horrible mess. I mean, I can’t think about my OWN CHILDHOOD without feeling a stab of pain, without feeling this terrible loss and betrayal. How pathetic is that??

      • It’s not pathetic. What I’d say is, remember them as happiness. She was a different person back then, and though she’s awful now, you were happy back then.

      • Not at all. But you had a good friendship with her, throughout your childhood years. Treat that as a separate entity. Yes, it’s SO difficult because you associate her with pain.

      • Well, let’s both try, then. We both lost people we loved, and right now, we’re both hurting. So… let us both try and recover from it, huh? ๐Ÿ™‚

  11. Omfg where was I why have I not read this (ok i mean i know why but still)
    It’s so strange how people change so fast when you’re not around them for a while. MY former best friend was all quiet and nice until he stopped talking to me for no obvious reason and a year later he was with the bully gang that has a combined IQ of 31 and smokes and beats people up. I was so amazed as to how that happened but I took more of a ‘remember me when you end up in jail’ position (I don’t think like that now, I just don’t care completely).
    I guess it must feel ten times weirder if you loved that person… It’s like the one you loved is dead in a way. That sounded depressing.
    Im really glad you are moving on steadier and I hope if he is really no good he won’t approach or hurt you at all. Although in my ideal fanfictioned world you two will one day make up and be best friends again, but that’s just the fantasy of a boy who always had the same dream about himself.
    I am blabbing way too much

    • No, your comments are amazing and cheer me up so much. Yeah, Ash has gone totally… Well, he’s taken a u-turn on thepersonality road. And I get what you mean about the friends changing bit.

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