I just hate everything.
No, I DON’T hate everything. I’m just sad.
I’m so, so sad. I’ve got something that feels like a weight on my chest, my heart, and I’m SO DAMN UPSET and I have no idea why.
This probably seems out of the blue, and I haven’t done one of these in a while. I’m sorry. I wish I felt okay. I wish I WAS okay enough, and I wish I could pretend everything was fine. In fact I CAN, because everything is fine and I’m just being so FUCKING DRAMATIC again. God.
I’m fake. I pity myself, then whine about my problems; I’ve got nothing to be miserable about. This is a fucking ridiculous post.
I’m a shit friend. I’m a terrible person. And I DON’T KNOW WHY, I just have this crawling, hateful feeling, and I know people will say I’ll be okay and it’ll make me feel okay for a while.
It’s funny, because I’m not even being true to myself here. I just think I’m not a nice person, which ISN’T news, but everything’s snapped and I feel sick.
Why do I do this? Why do I lock myself into a loop? I feel like everything’s hopeless, pointless, stupid, WORTHLESS, that I’m all of these things and then some. What the fuck is the point in having friends, doing well, BOTHERING? Why am I saying this?
I’ve been sitting here for the past hour, trying to get these feelings AWAY from me, trying to cheer up. It’s failed and I just want to stop, now, and let everything fade into the background.
I haven’t done enough revision over the half term. I haven’t done enough homework. I haven’t payed attention to my friends, or tried hard enough, or been bothered to try. I’ve got a sick feeling in my chest and it’s my fault. I should be able to do this by now.
It’s all so insignificant. I don’t know what to do with my time, with my life, or anything. If I carry on like this, I’m going to get nowhere, but how do I stop? I feel like life’s running away with me, all the time, and I’m helpless but I’m NOT, I’M NOT, I CAN DO SOMETHING BUT WHAT?!
Everything’s happening too fast, too soon, too much. Exams, stress, friends, ME, me being shitty, me posting this shit, me making things about myself. All so damned pointless and I doubt it’s true anyway; I’m making excuses for feeling sad for no reason.
Why can’t I just get a grip and stop acting like a pathetic fuck – why is it that I can’t be happy and why I’m panicking, why I’m saying to myself I’m going to fail?
In the background, I despise myself, because I’m lazy and WON’T do anything and there’s too much. It’s absolutely pathetic and I’m making EVERYONE WORRIED.
Why can’t I get that happiness from yesterday? And now WHY THE Hell do I feel empty?
I’m so sorry, guys. I am acting so negatively and that’s not the image I want to show you, but it’s me right now. I hope you’re all okay, and sorry I’m posting this attention-seeking bullshit again.
From Elm 🙂