I’m scared because I’m angry and I feel sick and I’m so so so incredibly angry. I don’t like anger. It hurts to hell, and just why now?
I can’t summarise my thoughts, because I hate writing this, and thoughts are funny things.
Right, I shouldn’t. I just shouldn’t. It’s illogical and I want to SCREAM, and why the FUCK am I posting this?
I hate negativity with ME. People should genuinely, and I do mean that, FOCUS ON OTHER THINGS THAT AREN’T ME. This is just me screaming my thoughts onto a screen.
I feel like I’m whining. Scratch that, I AM whining because there’s nothing to be angry about, nothing to be miserable about, like my heart’s tearing in two and I just can’t. I feel like I’m not allowed, when everyone has worse problems, when I’m trying to do so many things and I’m overloaded and then BAM, I freak, and this shit comes out. Kinda pathetic.
Am I doing this for attention, because I’m attention-deprived, because I’m throwing a hissy fit, GOD I hate I just HATE damnit, I can’t say I hate myself any more.
What. The. Hell. People are gonna worry, so why am I posting this, I don’t want attention, I don’t want I JUST DON’T WANT, and RL people are reading this and they’ll ask me and I swear I’m actually making no sense. It’s funny when I think about it because whenever I do this it just ends up with me disgusted because I wrote THIS shit.
What’s the purpose of doing this? Is it to get my thoughts out, when I’m still so upset and so miserable, and I have been throughout the day, and I’m overreacting to GOD KNOWS WHAT. I wish I could formulate this in a sensible order. My heart hurts.
I’m violent and I upset people without knowing. I don’t WANT to do that and guilt fucking kills. I have no right at all. To say I’m angry, to say I want to punch something, to scream, to say life isn’t fair, to say I’m SAD. Why? Because I need to focus my attention on helping other people.
I am doing everything wrong, and I can’t even say that any more because I’m NOT. That’s so unfair. I’ve got to the point where thinking about myself sends me into a whirlwind of thoughts.
This is selfish. Pointless. Attention-seeking because other people deserve your love right now. They deserve to be comforted and I’m here, bitter and angry and writing a BLOG about it.
How the fuck are people able to put up with me like this? Why can people stand me, when I go from happy to manically angry in a post where I yell at the world?
And DAMN IT, why can’t I just help other people without then whinging and posting something negative on my blog which will make other people feel shit, and then pity me, when there are so many others out there who need you, more than me?
I want you to go out there and speak to someone. Ask them how their day is – it’ll make them happy. Smile at them, or if they’re going through a rough patch, tell them that no matter what, you’re going to stick by them. Go out there and do something amazing, because you all deserve to smile.
From Elm 🙂