I Want to Live First

Very depressing post, but it gets more hopeful later on.

I’m shaking and I feel so sick, and the thing is, I brought this on myself.

I’ve spent the last half hour watching youtube videos about death. About people’s last words, and recorded police phone calls, and GOD, why did I do that?

I’m scared of death. I’m scared of MY death, of other people’s deaths, of witnessing death, of losing people, and of being in pain. Usually I never think about this, and I put it out of my mind, and death is something that happens to all of us.

When will I die? I don’t want to die in agony. I don’t want to be a person on a plane that crashed, that you hear about – “All 200 passengers on this aircraft lost their lives.” I don’t want to be shot in a dark alleyway by a vindictive killer. I don’t want to be lured somewhere and killed. I don’t want to die in a bomb attack, terrified out of my mind.

I don’t want to die NOW.

I’m so scared now, thinking about it, thinking about all the possibilities. You hear about people dying, all the time, and you don’t consider that they had lives. A lot of people, at the point of death, DON’T want to die. They want to live.

I want to live. I want to smile, laugh with my friends, instead of sitting here – nearly in tears – and thinking about when I’ll die and the total paralysing fear of it.

I want to have experiences, to make the most out of my life, and NOT be terrified that it’s going to end. I want to help people, to make people happy, and not contemplate death like I am now.

Living is something I NEED to do. Making the most out of my life, and being as happy as I can; seizing every opportunity and then growing up with those experiences.

I hope that you’ll get something out of this – not that you should be terrified of death, but that you should live for NOW. The present is all we have at any given moment, after all.

I’m 1 in 7 billion, just ONE, with a whole life ahead of me and more memories to make then are conceivable to my mind. All I need to do is be happy, and live.

So I will.

From Elm πŸ™‚

62 thoughts on “I Want to Live First

  1. Wow that is powerful. For me I am not really afraid of death as long as I do not die in pain. I think the worst thing about death is when you loose someone you love to it. Death is a topic every religion has their own way to handle what comes with it but in the end it is your choice. We cannot do anything against it and do not now what happens after it and I think that is what makes us so afraid. As humans we want to know and want to be able to control everything. Well we cannot and we have to find our own way do deal with it. In my opinion being afraid of it and living my life to the fullest is the wrong way

    • Yeah, I know how that feels. I’m just so… SCARED of the concept of it. I’m an Atheist and believe nothing happens after death, but that scares me. I think it’d scare me even if I believed in Heaven and Hell, or Reincarnation. But y’know what, ye just have to deal with it. Death is death and will happen, regardless of whether we want it to or not.

  2. Wow, Elm. I wonder what drove you to watch those videos??
    Don’t think about death. You’re right, you do have your whole darn life right in front of you. You won’t die young, I promise. And you won’t die in agony, for when you die? You’ll have lived a wonderful life of happiness to its greatest, and you won’t have anything to regret. Being afraid of death takes away a small portion of that. Don’t worry, just smile πŸ™‚

  3. Most people are scared of death. I think its more about not knowing what happens. And what it feels like. But instead of thinking about death, think about now, think about what path you want your life to go down. A very interesting post Elm!

  4. It’s actually kinda good that you’re scared about death, because it means you value your life and want to be happy, which is pretty much the key to happiness. I used to be very afraid of death, but now I’m sort of peaceful with it and I just try to live my life the best I can. Coping with other people’s death is very difficult and one of my silly little comments probably won’t help, but once again, don’t let the idea of their death take anything away from the amazingness of their life. Enjoy their company whilst you can and I think that’s all you can do.

    Amazing post, I’m still in love with your blog


    • I’m in love with your comments, and how thought-provoking they are. Thank you so much. I’m trying to just reconcile myself with it – death is inevitable, and I might as well enjoy my life, and help other people enjoy theirs so that they, and I, have a happy life to look back on.

      • that wasn’t thought provoking, but thank you anyway! And you already make everyone’s lives a little better, I can’t imagine what you’ll do in an entire lifetime – something incredible!

  5. So many great insights from your post. l have watched things and then been so spooked. Just got the date for my knee operation and it scared me. But l have my will sorted and my loved ones know they are loved, so now l feel somewhat calmer. Enjoy life and remember time is precious.

  6. Who isn’t afraid of death? I certainly am! It’s one of those things you have no control over and it’s a scary prospect!! But you know what I have learnt, just to live life, happy and smily:) don’t worry about death, cause to be honest we probably have a while left yet:)xxx love your blog btw!!❀️

    • Thank you so so much xx ❀ I guess I just have to LIVE with the idea of death, as weird as that sounds. And whilst I'm doing that, I have to live my life, for now, for the present.

  7. You always hear about young people dying and you never really consider if it happens to you because we all expect our lives to be full and lengthy. However quite recently I’ve had that put into perspective for me. I’ll not go into detail but someone close to me died and although her life was short-lived, she lived it to the fullest. She may not have been the most well behaved teenager but she certainly made sure her life was worth living. Never forget that life isn’t just existing; it’s about LIVING.

    • Thank you so much. I’m glad she had a full life, because that is the best we can do with our lives. This has inspired me to just keep LIVING, and not just survive, but embrace life. Because you’re right – it’s not about surviving. It’s about living, whilst you can, when life’s uncertain.

  8. I love how you say it’s improtant to live for The now becaus yes it actually really is and i guess so many people ne included don’t really live at the moment.. They just speed by and don’t realize what they Miss when they stay at home doing nothing.. Your post Kind of opens eyes

  9. I feel like we’re the same person. I came across those videos… and i was scared. I’m not allowed to think about negative things. But it’ll happen someday. and we have no idea what happens after…. i’m terrified. But i guess that if we spend our time worrying about the future, we won’t enjoy the NOW. πŸ™‚ This was so powerful. Thankyou ^^

  10. Ha. Ha. Ha. My good ‘ole friend Death.
    Honestly when it comes down to it, the pain (because it does hurt like pure hell sometimes) and the thoughts and worries and all of that utter crap doesn’t even matter. It’s inevitable.
    But I’ve always been a big believer in the bad always having a good.
    Honestly, I don’t even know what to say…

  11. You know that death will come in the future and that’s inevitable. My suggestion is that don’t spend a freaking second or minute or hour or day of crying, of being sad, of overthinking and of worrying because that’s not good. Laugh, smile, join with your friends, blog, learn, read, write, do what makes you happy and then when the day comes, you don’t have any regret in your life! πŸ˜‰

  12. Death is something even I fear, but one of my close friends whom I lost to cancer exactly a MONTH before she started showing symptoms was, “You never know when your time on Earth is up, Amulya. So it’s always better to live it now, than regretting it on your death bed.”
    And that is something I follow, knowingly/unknowingly. πŸ™‚

  13. Powerful post. Yeah, death is inevitable, but we shouldn’t try to dwell on it too much ya know? I agree with you; we should just make the most out of our lives and see where that takes us. Great post, Elm. πŸ™‚

    • Thank you so so much! πŸ™‚ Yeah, you’re right – making the most out of life, now, whilst we still can, is the best thing to do. We can’t dwell too much on the future, because it’s uncertain.

  14. You’re right. The chances are that you won’t die, until you’re about eighty. Some people die a bit younger, but you’ll probably have over sixty years left until you die. Often by that time, people welcome death, because they know that they are old and tired, and have lived a long happy life. But imagine if you spend your whole life worrying about death, and then when you’re really old, you realise that you could have spent your life enjoying yourself , and living life to the full. I have anxiety and I’m like this as well, but instead of worrying about bigger things like death, I worry about lots and lots of tiny things, that in reality are either unrealistic or in the past. I hope you’re okay Elm, get out there and live life to the full! Xx

  15. You never know when your time is up. And no one really wants to die, everyone wants to live a full life. It’s okay to feel like this, Elm. Just make sure you don’t drown in your feelings. And remember- you’re awesome πŸ™‚

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