Very depressing post, but it gets more hopeful later on.
I’m shaking and I feel so sick, and the thing is, I brought this on myself.
I’ve spent the last half hour watching youtube videos about death. About people’s last words, and recorded police phone calls, and GOD, why did I do that?
I’m scared of death. I’m scared of MY death, of other people’s deaths, of witnessing death, of losing people, and of being in pain. Usually I never think about this, and I put it out of my mind, and death is something that happens to all of us.
When will I die? I don’t want to die in agony. I don’t want to be a person on a plane that crashed, that you hear about – “All 200 passengers on this aircraft lost their lives.” I don’t want to be shot in a dark alleyway by a vindictive killer. I don’t want to be lured somewhere and killed. I don’t want to die in a bomb attack, terrified out of my mind.
I don’t want to die NOW.
I’m so scared now, thinking about it, thinking about all the possibilities. You hear about people dying, all the time, and you don’t consider that they had lives. A lot of people, at the point of death, DON’T want to die. They want to live.
I want to live. I want to smile, laugh with my friends, instead of sitting here – nearly in tears – and thinking about when I’ll die and the total paralysing fear of it.
I want to have experiences, to make the most out of my life, and NOT be terrified that it’s going to end. I want to help people, to make people happy, and not contemplate death like I am now.
Living is something I NEED to do. Making the most out of my life, and being as happy as I can; seizing every opportunity and then growing up with those experiences.
I hope that you’ll get something out of this – not that you should be terrified of death, but that you should live for NOW. The present is all we have at any given moment, after all.
I’m 1 in 7 billion, just ONE, with a whole life ahead of me and more memories to make then are conceivable to my mind. All I need to do is be happy, and live.
So I will.
From Elm 🙂